


Lawndale 2021 - Season 01

by Anguirus1955



Series: Lawndale 2021 [1]
Category: Daria (Cartoon), Sealab 2021 (2001)
Genre: Complete madness, Crossover, Daria & Sealab 2021 Crossover, F/F, F/M, Gen, Godzilla - Freeform, Happybake Oven, Humor, Loads of characters, Loose Continuity, Multi, Other, Parody, Sealab 2021 - Freeform, Underwater, daria - Freeform, scifi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-14 00:38:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 65,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7992160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anguirus1955/pseuds/Anguirus1955
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deep under the sea, there is an advanced research facility called Sealab.  It is home to some of the most intelligent men and women of science.  It is also home to some of the most deranged maniacs to ever grace the Earth.  When the residents of Lawndale are chosen to live in the newly modified Sealab, Daria and Jane discover that, while Lawndale may have sucked, at least they weren't in constant mortal danger because of incompetent and insane naval officers under the ocean. Join Daria, Jane, Aunt Amy, Anthony DeMartino, Captain Murphy, Dr. Quinn, Sparks, and others as the madness unfolds!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface And Stuff

The Sealab Daria Crossover Universe-0001-AAAA uses the International Fixed Calendar, established (within the series universe) on January 1st, 2017. If I'm going to make any attempts at continuity at all for the few episodes which _will_ be connected, I might as well make it as easy as possible to avoid a headache. Please note that for any Daria stories which I may set in the future, I will probably use the International Fixed Calendar to save time and make things easier for myself while writing.

Preface:

Deep below the surface of the ocean, there is an advanced scientific research facility known as Sealab. Its sworn purpose is to study and maintain a viable habitat under the ocean for humanity, as the planet's natural resources are being depleted. As such, only the most trustworthy and brilliant men and women of science are supposed to be in charge of Sealab.

However… the people in charge of processing applicants were extremely lazy and scientifically illiterate. Because of this, the brilliant minds in Sealab are forced to live alongside self-destructive sociopaths and morons so stupid that they cannot be trusted with a burnt-out match.

The people assigned to live in Sealab are numerous and vary in terms of intelligence, ranging from slightly smarter than a sack of ham to slightly less fact-filled than an up-to-date encyclopedia. Here is a list of the most prominent members of the Sealab crew, in no particular order:

Captain Hazel "Hank" Murphy: First in command of Sealab, most prominently in Pods 01-18, Murphy is a Navy veteran. He has a very strong sweet tooth, and can be easily distracted. His sanity after being underwater for an extended period of time, coupled with his past, has become questionable in recent years.

Commander Anthony DeMartino: Second in Command of Sealab, DeMartino is a no-nonsense military veteran as well. Originally a member of the United States Marine Corps, he was transferred to Sealab and had his rank changed to reflect this. Before being transferred to Sealab, he was a teacher at Lawndale High School. He occasionally serves as a History teacher at the Sealab Pod 17-District high school, which was nicknamed New Lawndale High by the crew, much to DeMartino's chagrin.

Commander Angela Li: The head of Sealab Security, Angela Li is ruthless, scheming, and possibly mentally unstable. She often focuses much of her attention on the school area and serves as a co-principal, hoping to imprint on the minds of the students and make them loyal to her in the future.

Daria Morgendorffer: A young replacement for a recently deceased member of the bridge crew, Daria is one of the few people working in the control area who actually knows how to use their brain. She has a cynical outlook on life, and she is very honest to a fault. She is also very sarcastic. She has the rank of Lieutenant Junior Grade.

Jane Lane: Not technically an official control member, Jane was accepted onto the bridge crew after Daria convinced Captain Murphy that Jane could use her artistic skills to quickly fix equipment problems. Jane also is sarcastic, and shares a similar cynical view on life, but she has a slight sense of optimism, although she rarely shows it.

Commander Jodene Sparks: Head of Communications, and very sarcastic. He is a convicted felon serving time working for Sealab as part of his sentence. Sparks and Daria get along well and have similar personalities, but they are both on opposite ends of the morality spectrum. He is one of the saner crew members, although he is almost morally bankrupt, with his conscience only showing itself in the most absolutely dire of situations. For this reason, while Daria may get along with him, she is also extremely cautious and wary around him as well. He also convinces orphans and other small children to pee on Captain Murphy's bed at random intervals to drive the man insane.

Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: The head Science Officer on Sealab, Quinn is on good terms with most of the more intelligent people in the station. He has an IQ of 260, and Daria looks up to him as a mentor, although their outlooks on life are very different. He has multiple Ph.D's and is often the voice of reason among Sealab's senior staff, especially since he has a far greater sense of morality than Sparks. Rank of Lieutenant Commander.

Quinn Morgendorffer: Younger sister to Daria, Quinn is very much a typical teenager, and she goes to the Sealab school, specifically at New Lawndale High School. She is very intelligent, but hides this from others by indulging in her obsessions with fashion and dating. She is sometimes referred to as "White Quinn," or "Female Quinn."

Kevin Thompson: A teenager on the New Lawndale High football team, Kevin may or may not have hit his head a few times too many. He is mentored by Derek "Stormy" Waters, with whom he is tied in the intelligence department. He is quite possibly one of the dumbest individual organisms, of any species, living in the station.

Derek "Stormy" Waters: An air-headed pretty boy. He and Kevin Thompson get along very well. It is unknown exactly what Stormy's job is, but since he is strong enough to do basic manual labor, no one complains. He is matched by Kevin Thompson in terms of intelligence, both in book smarts and in street smarts. He once released a grizzly bear into Sealab, thinking it was an abnormally large ferret. Rank of Lieutenant.

Brittany Taylor: A seemingly air-headed blonde, Brittany is the head cheerleader for the school. She has an on/off relationship with Kevin Thompson. She also has an excellent understanding of military tactics and basic mechanical engineering. She is a yellow belt in Karate and has a mild grasp of Kung-Fu, although she occasionally confuses the two styles. She is also builds flamethrowers for fun.

Michael James "Mack" McKenzie: Captain of the high school football team, and a friend of Daria and Jane, Mack is also one of the saner people in Sealab. He sometimes gets roped into helping the maintenance team and Dr. Quinn on occasion, much to his annoyance. He is the only true "Average Joe" in Sealab because of this.

Jodie Landon: Daughter of Andrew Landon, the inventor of the Landon Folding Coffee Cup, Jodie Landon used to be very conscious of her behavior and image, as she used to be one of only a handful of black students at her old school, which used to be in Lawndale. With Dr. Quinn being as well respected and prominent as he is, Jodie no longer feels the need to be a role model or a token. However, much to her annoyance, people still ask her if she can give them free folding coffee cups when they discover who her father is.

Amy Barksdale: Daria and Quinn's aunt and guardian while living in Sealab, after their parents, Helen and Jake, got their transfer forms mixed up and were sent to a ground-side research station. She has an appearance and personality similar to Daria, and is often mistaken for her mother, while no one questions that Quinn is her niece. She gets along well with most of Sealab's crew, especially Sparks. Has a rank of Lieutenant, after passing a course for becoming an official part of the Sealab crew, like her niece.

Stacey Rowe: A close friend of Quinn. Stacey lives in a residential housing unit directly across from Daria, Quinn, and Amy because her parents were eaten alive by a pack of ravenous mutant koala bears that Kevin Thompson thought were large plush toys when he released them from their holding cage.

Debbie "White Debbie" Dupree: A blonde marine biologist, Debbie has an on/off relationship with Dr. Quinn. She often uses Stormy or Kevin as meat-shields when someone goes crazy or a dangerous animal is on the loose, even though she has knowledge of Kung-Fu. Rank of Lieutenant Commander.

Lt. Commander Marco Rodrigo Marquez: Chief Engineer of Sealab. He is very strong and muscular, but sometimes overestimates his strength and chances. He once won a fight with a grizzly bear that some idiot *coughStormycough* had smuggled into Sealab's forest dome in Pod 09 before Angela Li was assigned to the station's security team.

Timothy O'Neill: Another teacher for the Sealab school area. He is very in touch with his emotions, but is not very good at controlling them.

Janet Barch: Another teacher, she is also in charge of maintenance for Pods 01-04. She is a very bitter woman, having been divorced by her husband after 22 years when she discovered he was cheating on her. Rank is Lieutenant Commander.

Samantha* Morris: Another teacher at New Lawndale High. She serves as a gym teacher and the occasional health teacher.

Diane Bennett: Serves as both an economics teacher at the school, and as a budget manager for Sealab itself. She hates pennies and loves the sound of chalk on a chalkboard. Rank is Lieutenant.

Claire Defoe: A teacher for the Sealab school area, located in Pod 17, she is usually calm and collected, and often serves as a voice of reason, using logic, compassion, and reason when voicing her opinions on how to navigate various crises. As a result, no one ever listens to her.

Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks: A former football coach in charge of Pods 19-36, Tornado Shanks is only slightly more self-aware than Murphy. Unfortunately, he has no experience in being a commanding officer of an operation such as Sealab whatsoever. Luckily, most of the people in Pods 19-36 are much more rational than the people in Pods 01-18, meaning that he is able to keep things mostly under control in that area with their help. He is the only person who is truly aware that he's a fictional character.

Jake and Helen Morgendorffer: Daria and Quinn's parents. Accidentally sent to live and work at a ground-side research station, they keep in touch with their daughters through Sealab's communications systems and monthly mail systems. Helen is mostly level-headed, while Jake is somewhat eccentric and prone to outbursts wherein he angrily shouts at his deceased father, who traumatized him as a child through horrible parenting.

Trent Lane: Jane Lane's older brother. Part of the station's maintenance crew, he and several other maintenance personnel are part of a band called, "Mystic Spiral." He has the ability to sleep through most of the station's emergency alarms, with only the Imminent Destruction and Reactor Meltdown alarms having the proper frequency and pitch to wake him. He and Jane live in a housing unit only one housing block away from Daria, Quinn, and Amy.

Vincent and Amanda Lane: Jane and Trent's often absent parents, who are constantly traveling the world. They are gone so much, that when Trent and Jane were sent to live in Sealab, Vincent and Amanda didn't even notice that they weren't living in Lawndale anymore until the fourth time they returned home. After discovering their youngest children's whereabouts, they make occasional attempts to contact them via mail, usually sending them money along with occasional pictures from their latest travels.

Tom Sloane: Tom Sloane is a resident of the Sealab Pod 21-District High School, nicknamed New Fielding by its residents, all of whom came from Lawndale before they moved into Sealab. Tom is friends with Daria and Jane, and he has the book smarts and wit to match Daria. His father, Angier Sloane, of Sloane and Page, donated money to the construction and renovation of Sealab's newest Pods. He is the only member of his family who is somewhat normal and he does not care for his family's wealth or status.

Kay Sloane: Mother of Tom Sloane, Kay resides in Pod 21 with her son and daughter. Not much is known about her, although she is somewhat fond of Daria and Jane, if only because they aren't gold diggers using her son for his name and money. She is a closet telepath and uses this ability to speak with dolphins.

Elsie Sloane: Sister of Tom Sloane. Elsie is a mysterious entity who hides in the shadows of Sealab, keeping to herself and only interacting with other students at New Fielding. Very few people outside of her immediate and extended family have ever heard her voice, and most non-family members have been driven insane by hearing it without proper ear-protection. To avoid this, she uses a voice modulator with an attached breathing apparatus when outside of her family's housing unit.

Angier Sloane: Tom and Elsie's father. He is rarely seen, and he speaks even less. He loves money, and will put only his family before it, although even then it can be a gamble depending on his mood and the time of day. When he gets drunk, he pulls his shirt over his head and calls himself Cornholio the Second, as a youth in Highland once inspired him with a speech about scoring chicks and money to the point that he shed tears.

Debbie "Black Debbie" Allison Love: A teacher in the Sealab school area, mostly for the elementary age students and the orphans. She is one of only two people who are mildly tolerant of Dolphin Boy, although she still does not care to be in his presence when she can avoid it.

Dolphin Boy: Persona Non Grata of Sealab. Everyone, even Claire Defoe, hates Dolphin Boy. He speaks with dolphin noises, eats lunches marked with other people's names, hides the remote controls to people's TV's, neglects to flush the toilet after using it, and wears a bright ugly yellow uniform. Sparks often uses him in experiments for determining which BBQ and/or steak sauce will attract carnivorous animals the fastest.

David Van Driessen: A former teacher of Daria's from Highland, Texas. Van Driessen joined the Sealab Project in order to regain his sanity and escape from depression and anxiety caused by years of teaching in the cesspool known as Highland. He serves as a teacher at New Lawndale High. He resides in a housing unit diagonally across from Amy Barksdale. He is the only other person who doesn't hate Dolphin Boy, although on some occasions, Dolphin Boy's chirps will remind him of two particular youths from Highland, and he will have flashbacks similar to a veteran suffering from PTSD.

Sharko: Half shark, half human. A hideous bastard love child formed when Marco had sexual relations with a female shark. He is treated with only slightly more dignity than Dolphin Boy, given that being part shark means that he has teeth capable of ripping people's limbs from their bodies. He has average grades in math and science, excelling in arts and crafts. Well, the crafts part, anyway. He is able to detect electric currents surrounding objects and living things.

Dr. Ilad Virjay: The station's Chief Medical Officer. He practices Manduism, and he is the station's in-house surgeon. He also speaks with a deadpan tone, regardless of the topic, and has a relatively normal personality, at least when compared with his colleagues. He has three Ph.D's. He occasionally mentors White Quinn, as he calls her, on her rare outwardly visible learning binges, which happen once a month.

Tommy Sherman: A former football player turned security guard. Tommy Sherman often speaks in third person due to brain injuries suffered from his days as a football player at Lawndale High School. He joined the Sealab project because he thought it would help him pick up chicks or get him access to discounted booze. Working under Angela Li, former principal of his old school, Tommy has become very cynical, mellow, and depressed. He only smiles when tap-dancing while wearing a kilt and a fedora, a secret passion of his. Rank of Lieutenant.

Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III: A self-proclaimed ladies' man and all around pervert, Upchuck is a source of annoyance for most females age 15 and above living in Sealab. He does not, however, go after anyone who is below Sealab's age of consent, which is 15 years old, according to an unfixed typo in the official charter. Upchuck also helps White Debbie with recording the sounds of various marine organisms, as he has an ear for acoustics, and he serves as a DJ and professional recording man for Mystic Spiral. Usually works around the reactor room and in engineering. Rank of Lieutenant Junior Grade.

Andrea LaGotha*: A goth girl of very few words, Andrea can be found wandering the halls of Sealab during after-school hours. She occasionally helps Dr. Quinn and Dr. Virjay whenever they try to experiment with hemp and marijuana plants for scientific experiments or medical usage, respectively.

Hesh Hepplewhite: A member of Engineering. Hesh works around the station's reactor, and he often speaks about himself in third person. He is nasal-voiced, smart-mouthed, and whiny. Very few people, if any, like him. Many people prefer to spend time with Upchuck over Hesh.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler: A classmate of Quinn. She is also in the fashion club. She has a tendency to change her speech patterns from day to day, depending on her mood.

Jamie White: A classmate of Quinn's. He is one of the Three J's. When alone, everyone can remember his name, but when together with Jeffy and Joey, no one can remember his name properly.

Jeffy: One of the Three J's.

Joey: One of the Three J's.

Linda Griffin: Works for Sealab's in-house news reporting team. Mother of Sandi Griffin. All-around unlikable person.

Sandi Griffin: Classmate of Quinn Morgendorffer. Stuck up, head of the Fashion Club. Very competitive.

Lieutenant Sasha Winters: A member of Sealab's security crew. She is more level-headed and rational than Commander Li or Tommy Sherman. As a result, when one or both of them are incapacitated, she ends up taking charge of Sealab's security forces. She is an original character (OC).

Commander Oats: Serves as the other part time principal for New Lawndale High School. He also oversees the handling of Sealab's supplies and inventory. He is also an original character (OC).

The calendar system used in this series is the International Fixed Calendar, because if there's going to be some way of making the few connected episodes have any proper sense of continuity, this makes it easy.

*Ms. Morris has no given first name in the canon Daria series, so I made one up for her.

*LaGotha is a name I made up for Andrea, as she has no given last name in the canon Daria series, as far as I am currently aware.

This was originally posted on PPMB, and later on FanFiction.net. Also, please note that some episodes will be presented here with a few minor edits and differences from their PPMB and FFN versions.


	2. The Great Happy-Bake Trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Murphy's Happy-Bake oven has gone missing, and so he has taken drastic measures to find it.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC

* * *

 

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 1-02: The Great Happy-Bake Trial 

* * *

Date: Saturday, Sol 28th, 2021 

Inside of the main control room of Sealab, several personnel were tied up to a couch and several chairs. Captain Murphy paced back and forth in front of them, while Brittany Taylor stood by, holding a flamethrower, along with a concerned look on her face.

"Um," Brittany began, "Do I really need to hold a flamethrower?" "Yes!" Captain Murphy exclaimed as he briefly looked in her direction before turning his attention to the people strapped to the seats. Jodene Sparks looked up from his spot and rolled his eyes.

"Come on, Captain," Sparks said, "I don't think anyone here knows the location of your tasty-cake oven, and most likely, it's probably in your quarters." "Oh, that's what you _want me to think!_ " Murphy retorted. "Well, yeah," Sparks replied.

"Captain," Daria Morgendorffer spoke up, "When was the last time you saw your Happy-Bake Oven, and where was that location at?" Daria asked him. "Hmm, I remember it like it was yesterday," Murphy began. After a minute of silence, everyone looked at each other. "Um, okay, and…aren't you going to finish that thought?" Daria asked him.

"Finish what thought?" Murphy asked her. "The time and location of when and where you last saw your Happy-Bake Oven," Daria replied. "Why would I think about that?" Murphy asked her.

"Because it's missing," Daria replied. "What!? My Happy-Bake Oven is missing!? I'll bet one of you bastards stole it!" Murphy said, pointing his finger at the people who were tied up. Brittany just shook her head and stayed quiet. "Good going, Morgendorffer," Sparks reprimanded her. "Sorry," Daria said quietly.

"Actually," Jane Lane began, "We're tied up here because the thief didn't want us to interfere with his plans to take your oven." Murphy gasped in shock. "If you were to untie us right now, we could help you look for it," she said with a smile. "Really?" Kevin Thompson asked.

"Yes, _Kevin_ ," Jane said firmly. "Huh. I thought that-" "Shut up, Kevin!" Brittany shrieked as she aimed her flamethrower at him. "Yeah, wise guy, shut up!" Murphy said as he walked over and smacked Kevin across the mouth. "Um, ouch, that hurt!" Kevin protested.

"Keep it up, and it'll hurt again!" Murphy said with a manic grin. Just then, a console screen turned on and Upchuck's face appeared on it. " _Um, excuse me, but could someone-_ " "Not now, Upchuck!" Jane shouted. " _But there's a-_ " "We said, not now!"

Upchuck sighed and turned off the connection. "Um, we could have asked him to send someone up here to help us," Daria said to Jane. Jane blanched at the realization that she'd blown their best chance of getting out of this mess. "What did he want to tell us about, anyway?" Daria asked rhetorically.

Five minutes later, the console came back to life. This time Hesh's face was on it, while Upchuck was wearing a Hazmat suit in the background. " _Hey, some idiot plugged a-_ " "Not now He-" Daria stomped on Jane's foot. "Hesh, what's the problem?" Daria asked him.

" _Some idiot plugged their Happy-Bake oven into the reactor!_ " Upchuck shouted through his Hazmat suit. " _Yeah, what he said!_ " Hesh shouted. "Say what?" Murphy asked. " _Someone plugged a toy oven into the reactor!_ " Hesh shouted.

"That is _not_ a toy! It is a _real_ oven! It makes cookies, cupcakes, and so much more! It even comes with little sprinkle packets! But the secret ingredient, that makes it all work, is _love!_ " Murphy proclaimed. " _Uh, yeah, but you still aren't supposed to plug it into the reactor!_ " Upchuck shouted, holding the oven with a pair of large tongs.

"Well, why not!?" Murphy asked.

Two minutes later, Sealab exploded.

* * *

 

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a much longer version of this chapter available for viewing on the Paper Pusher's Message Board. But, you have to join them in order to view it.


	3. VIP - Very Insufferable Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A self-absorbed narcissist named Val visits Sealab to impart her wisdom and views on everyone. Thankfully, our cynical heroes know how to handle this kind of situation properly.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…  
_ _  
I guess I'll have to be direct  
_ __  
If you're gonna' stand on my neck

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 1-03: VIP

* * *

Daria Morgendorffer sat in her chair at the communications console, a few feet away from Jodene Sparks, doing her weekend homework. Meanwhile, Sparks was using his console to watch some TV while checking for notable communication transmissions.

Sparks was watching an episode of an old cartoon, with two characters walking down the sidewalk side-by-side. " _I don't know, Zorak. I don't think my parents want me drinking beer,_ " said Brak. " _That's why we're doin' it!_ " Zorak replied. " _Oh, okay!_ " Brak said. "So... anything exciting happen at school lately?" Sparks asked Daria nonchalantly. He'd already seen this episode.

"Mm," Daria replied as she worked on some algebra problems. "Oh, hey, do you remember when that VIP is supposed to arrive?" Sparks asked her. "Um, wasn't that _your_ job?" Daria asked him. "Well, yeah, but I can't find the log of the transmission," Sparks replied.

"Hold on," Daria said before checking her console for saved files. "When did the transmission come in?" Daria asked him. "I think it was yesterday," Sparks replied.

"Okay, I found it," Daria replied. "Hmm, oh, they'll be arriving in three hours," Sparks said. "Then we take into account an hour for decompression," Sparks added.

"Is that enough time to prepare for their arrival?" Daria asked him. "Probably not, but we're not the ones who will be escorting the VIP through the station," Sparks said with a shrug. "True," Daria said in agreement.

"Who won't be showing who around?" Jane Lane asked as she entered the bridge. "Um, _we_ won't be escorting some VIP who's coming to Sealab today," Sparks replied.

"Oh. Who's the VIP?" Jane asked him. "Uh, Daria, did the transmission log say who the VIP is?" Sparks asked him. "Let me check," Daria said. "It's some magazine writer named Val."

"Val? From VAL magazine?" Sparks asked her. "Yeah-wait, how do you know about a shallow magazine for teenagers?" Daria asked him. "I get bored sometimes, so I read whatever I find lying around," Sparks replied.

"Okay, but I'm certain that VAL magazines wouldn't be found lying around the bridge, where very few teenagers, myself and Jane excluded, would ever venture," Daria said. "True, but who says I pick up only what's lying around the bridge?" Sparks replied.

"Hmm, he's got a point," Jane said. "Well then where did you pick up a copy of VAL?" Daria asked him suspiciously. "I found it on the floor outside of someone's housing unit on my way to the bridge one morning," Sparks replied. "It had a picture of a bikini model on it, so I thought it was something else," he explained after seeing Daria give him a disbelieving look.

"Um, that bikini model was probably a seventeen year-old girl," Jane said. "Hey, seventeen is legal, isn't it? Besides, that girl was found only on the cover. Believe me, I checked the magazine," Sparks said firmly. "You were hoping it was a porn mag, weren't you?" Jane asked him.

"What was your first clue?" Sparks replied. "The bikini model," Jane replied. "Smart girl," Sparks said. "So, why would a writer for some kind of teen magazine want to come to Sealab?" Daria asked. "Who knows and who cares?" Sparks replied.

"Um, you did remember to inform the rest of the crew about the VIP, right?" Daria asked Sparks. "I think so. I know I sent a memo to Dr. Quinn about it, and I think I told the captain, but I don't remember anyone else being present. Oh, wait, Debbie was in here," Sparks said.

"Which Debbie?" Daria asked him. "I think it was White Debbie," Sparks replied. "Maybe," he added. "Stormy was in here too, but he got confused when I tried to explain that the magazine was named after its editor... or writer. Anyway, he ended up thinking that an actual talking magazine was coming to visit us," Sparks said with a smile.

** Four Hours Later... **

"So, like, where is everybody?" Val asked as she exited the airlock. Val was a woman in her thirties who had makeup that made her look like a woman in her thirties trying to look like a teenager. Her choice of clothing did not help in this matter.

"Hi, you must be Val," Debbie Dupree said as she extended a hand forward, which Val eagerly accepted. "So, I was supposed to meet some girl named Daria," Val said. "Really?" Debbie asked, confused. "Yeah. One of her essays was submitted to us by teacher at the Sealab primary high school, O'Neil I think his name was," Val explained.

Val turned to her left and stepped back after seeing an Asian woman staring at her with wide eyes. "Hello, I am Angela Li, part-time principal of _Neww Llaawwndale Hiigh_ and head of Sealab Security," she said.

"Cool!" Val said. "Being safe is super important! I am so _down_ and _jiggy_ with that!" Val added. Debbie cringed at the woman's slang. "Anyway, you mentioned one of the students here, allow me to help you find her. Apparently, she was not informed of your visit through proper channels," Li said as she and Debbie led Val through the halls of Sealab.

They soon entered the bridge, finding Daria and Sparks at their consoles, monitoring the communications of some research submersibles that were re-docking at Pod 02. "Ah, Miss Morgendorffer," Li said. Daria turned around and looked at the trio.

"Hello," Daria said, slightly annoyed. Sparks turned his head to take in the sight of the three women before returning his attention to his console. "Hi, Daria, I am super excited to meet you! My name is Val, of VAL magazine!"

"Okay, Val of VAL Magazine," Daria said. "I received your essay the other month an I thought it captured exactly the kind of edge that our magazine needs to keep up in today's world," Val said, causing Daria to raise an eyebrow. "What essay?" Daria asked her.

"The one that your English teacher, Mr. O'Neil sent in to our magazine," Val explained. "Which one?" Daria asked, growing irked. "It was that parody essay that compared the outlooks of young people today with the outlooks of young people from ten years ago. Despite being a parody, I think the edgy tone you gave it was excellent!" Val explained.

"Hold on a second," Daria said before accessing her console. "Would Mister O'Neil please report to the bridge? Would Mister Timothy O'Neil please report to the bridge," Daria said into her microphone. "Now, Miss Morgendorffer, surely you realize it may take a while for him to reach the bridge from Pod 17," Angela Li said.

"Oh, but I wouldn't want the man who submitted my essay to miss out on the glory that he's allowed me to have," Daria said in monotone, using subtle sarcasm in a way that only Sparks was able to catch. Sparks smirked as he realized what Daria was going to do as soon as O'Neil would arrive on the bridge.

"Oh, Daria, that is _so_ sensitive and caring of you, to make sure that Mr. O'Neil gets to see the fruits of his efforts," Val said with actual sincerity. "I'm just doing what I feel is appropriate," Daria said. "You know, not a lot of people would be that caring. I am totally jiggy with that kind of behavior," Val said, causing everyone else on the bridge except Miss Li to cringe.

Forty minutes later, when O'Neil arrived at the bridge, he gasped in surprise at seeing Val talking to Daria. Daria, for her part, had been trying to tune out Val when she began talking about... stuff. Daria did not care one bit for anything that Val had to say, and listening to the woman for over forty minutes was driving her to the edge.

"And that's why girls shouldn't put out unless the guy actually _does_ own a proper sports car," Val said. "Ah, Mister O'Neil!" Angela Li said in relief as soon as she spotted O'Neil, for she too had begun to feel worn after listening to Val talk about her magazine for so long non-stop. "Miss Val? From VAL Magazine?" O'Neil asked in surprise. "That's right!" Val exclaimed with a smile.

_Please, someone, anyone, kill me now,_ Sparks thought. There hadn't been a single transmission or communication line that required his or Daria's attention since Val had visited the bridge. He already had a low opinion of Mr. O'Neil, having been sent to his crew self-esteem classes twice after making dark jokes that two people had taken the wrong way. Knowing that he would have to listen to O'Neil _and_ Val speak with each other in the same room as himself was making him feel sick and hopeless.

"O'Neil, can I call you that?" Val asked him. "Sure!" he said. "Okay, anyway, O'Neil, Daria here gave me the impression that she was actually unaware that you had submitted her essay to my magazine! The poor girl, being surprised by a visiting celebrity during work hours," Val said.

"Oh my, I had thought that perhaps she might be given the day off for this!" O'Neil said nervously. "Wait, did you inform anyone else of this girl's wonderful accomplishment?" Val asked him. "Well, I read the response letter and it said that you would be arriving incognito, so I assumed that meant you wanted to see things without people acting differently if they knew your identity," O'Neil said.

"That's right! But I guess someone was going to be taken by surprise either way, right?" Val replied excitedly. "Oh yes," Daria said flatly, "I am just overflowing with emotions of shock and delight at this turn of events." "Do you have something in your throat?" Val asked her. "I have some throat lozenges with me," Val offered.

"No, the sheer intensity of my emotions has proven to be too much for me to handle. This is how my body compensates," Daria lied. _Just wait till I introduce you to Dolphin Boy, Val. Even O'Neil doesn't like being around that tubby little toad_.

"So, I assume that you're here to take a tour of the station, since coming down to Sealab isn't something that you do on a whim for just an hour," Daria said. "That's right, D! Is it okay if I call you D?" Val asked. "Sure, why not," Daria replied in monotone.

"So, when do we begin the tour?" Val asked her. "Right now. Please follow me as we make our way to the orphans' quarters, so that you can introduce a young generation to your magazine," Daria said.

After grabbing a long-distance travel cart, which was set to auto-pilot for non-licensed drivers, Daria, Val, O'Neil, and Li made their way to Pod 02, where the orphans were housed.  Val had spent the majority of the tour rambling about fashion, her affair with a married man, and her own high opinion of herself.  "So, these orphans... do they, like, wear rags or do they have proper clothes?" Val asked as they approached the housing block for the orphans.

"Miss Val, these orphans live inside of Sealab! They have proper uniforms," Angela Li said. "Besides, rags would present a security risk if they got caught in a door." _Almost there,_ thought Daria as the cart pulled up to the housing block that housed the orphans.

"Wait here, I'm going to grab one of the most _precious_ of our orphans," Daria said as she hopped out of the cart. _I need to get a license for those things._ Daria walked inside of the unit where Dolphin Boy lived, and after negotiating with him, returned to Val and the others.

"Miss Morgendorffer, I'm sure that there are others who would appreciate being around Miss Val much more," Li said. "Val, this is Dolphin Boy. Dolphin Boy, say hello to Val," Daria said. Dolphin Boy emitted a series of chirps and squeaks. "Oh my god, what is he saying!?" Val screamed. This was actually what a normal person's typical response to meeting Dolphin Boy would be during the first meeting.

Dolphin Boy chirped again. "Now, young man, what have I told you about telling people that their clothes look too young for them?" Li reprimanded Dolphin Boy. Dolphin Boy looked slightly ashamed, and he promptly returned to his quarters.

"I'm sorry Val, but Dolphin Boy _assured me_ that he _really_ wanted to meet you," Daria said in a false-apologetic tone, or as much of one as her monotone could convey. Val quickly recovered from her trauma. "I'm okay. I don't blame you. Anyone who's _anyone_ will say whatever they can to get close to someone like me," Val said.

Daria mentally frowned at this. _There is one other option that I can use to get rid of her_ _ **and**_ _hurt her without bodily injury or killing her,_ Daria thought. "Hey, Val, I know another person, who's actually around my age, who might appreciate meeting you," Daria said.

"Are you perhaps referring to your sister?" Li asked her. "No. I'm referring to someone I met a little while ago during that school dance that someone said was mandatory for all students to attend," Daria replied. "It was the cross-school dance between New Fielding and New Lawndale," Daria clarified.

Silently, aside from Val spouting off about how girls should be proud of their bodies but be ashamed of their sexuality and her other affairs with married men and more outdated slang, the group rode in the cart as it made its way through the pods, eventually coming across the Pod 21 Housing Block. "Here we are," Daria said as the cart parked outside of Housing Unit 21-AA-0034.

_The Sloane residence. Tom, that was his name, right? Yeah, and his sister...Eliza? No, Elsa? Elsie, yeah, that's it. Elsie Sloane. Say goodbye to your sanity, Val, and goodbye to Sealab as well. You'll be scrambling for the nearest airlock after we're done, you double-standard setting hypocrite,_ Daria thought as she pressed on the doorbell of the somewhat ornate entrance.

After a minute, the door was answered by Kay Sloane. "Hello, Mrs. Sloane, is Elsie home?" Daria asked. _Miss Li is with you, does she want Elsie for something? I know that she's been using her voice guard at all times,_ Kay asked telepathically.

_No, I just want Elsie to share her voice with someone..._ _ **worthy**_ _of being exposed to it without warning,_ Daria thought. Kay looked at Val and recognized her. She smiled a sweet, welcoming smile, although Daria could tell that it was an act.

"Please," Kay said warmly, "Come on in, Miss Val." "Hey, thanks!" Val replied, not even thinking about the fact that she hadn't told Mrs. Sloane her name. Daria and Val both walked into the Sloane Unit. "So, _is_ Elsie home today?" Daria asked Kay again.

"Yes, she's in her room, doing some studying. Shall I retrieve her?" Kay asked. "No, I'll do it. I think she might appreciate having a friend say hello before she meets...my guest," Daria said as she walked around the living room and over to the Bedroom Hall. if her memory served her correctly, Elsie's room was on her right, while Tom's room was on the left.

She saw the sign saying earplugs or headphones needed as knocked on the door. Elsie slowly opened the door, her frown quickly turning into a smile. "Hello," she whispered, the only way that ordinary mortals could hear her voice without going mad.

"Hi," Daria said in her usual tone, although with a Mona Lisa smile. "Elsie, I have a favor to ask of you."

Line Break

Daria and Elsie made their way into the living room. Kay noticed that Elsie didn't have her voice modulator with her and almost frowned, but then she remembered hearing Val speak to her while Daria was speaking with her daughter for the past ten minutes, and allowed herself to smile at what was to come.

"Hi, Elsie, I'm Val! You know, from VAL magazine!" Val said. _She is so self-absorbed and vain. But I must hear her speak for a short period before deciding to use my voice. I must make sure that she is worth the damnation that I may unleash_ , Elsie thought as she listened to Val speak.

Ten minutes later, after hearing Val's speech about girls being proud of their bodies but needing to be ashamed of their sexuality, which brought a frown to everybody's face, Elsie narrowed her eyes. "Um, I hate to break it to you, Val, but you're setting up an unfair double standard by telling girls to be proud of their bodies but to also be ashamed of their sexuality. This sends a confusing message, and honestly, we don't need something like that causing additional confusion, pain, and suffering to what teenagers already go through," Daria said.

"Oh, please!" Val retorted. "I thought you were cool, Daria!" Val said, angered by the fact that Daria disagreed with her. "I thought that you were _smart_ , and I wanted to show that smart is also hot and _in_ , but someone as lame and uncool as you couldn't possibly get that or be hip and happening," Val said, her awful use of slang being the final straw for Daria. "Very well. Elsie, why don't you tell us what you think," Daria suggested.

" **Your soul is but an empty, hollow shell which surrounds a seemingly endless void, and your life is but a lie and a sham. You know nothing of the truth that exists within the universe, and your shallowness is so complete that it almost resembles depth, yet that too is but an illusion. For this, and the hypocrisy which you seek to spread and the messages which you use to manipulate people into buying and reading your garbage, you shall endure eternal suffering by my decree,** " Elsie said.

Val's eyes had widened and her pupils had dilated. Her mouth was open in a voiceless scream. Her ears were bleeding and her mouth was contorted into a painful passage of despair. "W-wwwhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?" she finally screamed to the heavens before she ran out of the room.

Elsie smiled as she heard a thud outside as Val collapsed onto the hallway floor. " _Miss Val!_ " they heard O'Neil say in alarm. Daria smiled at Elsie and nodded her head. "That'll do, Elsie. That'll do," Daria said. Elsie then grabbed Daria and pulled her into a kiss before dragging her onto the floor. "Now, now, Elsie, remember to mind your hands when saying thank you," Kay said with a gentle but firm tone. "Yes, Mother," Elsie said, her voice sounding normal to her immediate family. "Okay, Daria, you should be immune to my voice now, but I need to make absolutely certain," Elsie said before dragging Daria into another kiss.

* * *

 

"So, do you think she'll ever come back to Sealab?" Sparks asked the next day as he, Daria, Jane, and Elsie Sloane watched the submersible vessel transporting Val slowly return to the surface. It would be several hours before it broke the surface and properly re-pressurized itself, but the menace had left Sealab, and all was right with the station.

"Eh, as long as she's in that coma? Probably not for a very long time," Jane said. "I can't believe I wasn't there to take a picture," she added.

"Don't worry," Elsie said, her voice sounding fine to the girls and Sparks, "I'm sure you'll see something cool next week." "If you say so," Jane said. Daria simply smiled at her success.

* * *

 

Ending theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel. Why? Because it's a great song, that's why.


	4. Debbie Goes Maternal And Stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, the title says it all. Debbie Dupree decides that she wants a baby.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

 

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 004: Debbie Goes Maternal and Stuff _  
_

* * *

Date: Wednesday, August 04, 2021  


A small birdhouse stood in the middle of a bright, swirly vat of orange and blue and yellow and green liquids. Suddenly, the mechanical cuckoo bird sprang out of it, performing its ritualistic and timed dance.

Debbie Dupree's eyes shot open as she lay in bed. She gasped. "I've gotta' have a baby!" she shouted at the ceiling. "I've gotta' have a baby!"

* * *

 

Inside Housing Unit 12-AF-0034, Amy Barksdale and her two nieces sat down for breakfast.

"I hate wearing these uniforms," Quinn Morgendorffer said with distaste. "Well, they're standard issue, and we're required to wear them," Amy said as she read the latest news on her data tablet. "There's no rule saying that you can't _customize_ the uniform, so long as it doesn't violate regulations," Amy said after a moment.

"Really?" Quinn asked in a hopeful tone. "Sure, but, as I said, you need to make sure that it doesn't violate regulations," Amy replied. Daria finished eating her cereal before taking the bowl and spoon over to the sink to wash them. After she was finished, she made her way into the living room. She checked the clock on the wall.

She still had an hour before school started, so she decided to turn on the TV. " _Just in: Bobo, the monkey whose brain was transplanted into a robot body last week, died a few hours ago after drinking his own urine. Doctors say that it royally screwed up his circuitry and artificial digestive system. A terrible tragedy._ " Daria turned off the TV and headed to her bedroom to change into her uniform.

Ninety minutes later, on the bridge, Captain Murphy stared out at the ocean, watching the unique organisms that called it home swimming around. Behind him, Angela Li read over a report on the previous week's security issues.

" _And_ , I might add, two of those girls had hair that was _five_ _ **centimeters**_ longer than allowed by regulations! They must be detained or sanctioned, I don't care which, but they must be shown the error of their ways!" Li said.

"Uh huh, whatever," Murphy said as he watched two little fish swimming side-by-side. He raised his right hand and formed a hand-mouth and pretended to bite the fish. "Eh-heh, watch out, Captain Murphy's gonna' get ya'!" he said with a chuckle.

"Angela, don't you think that you could just, you know, calmly remind them of the dangers of long hair getting caught in the station's really powerful mechanical equipment?" Amy suggested as she fixed a broken scanner.

"That's the _easy way!_ " Angela barked at Amy. "They won't _care!_ I must use force and proper discipline if I want to make them understand!" Angela continued. "Uh huh, and you're sure that won't make everyone plot against you in the future?" Amy asked with a smirk.

"What are you talking about? They'll be too _afraid_ to plot against me! They will respect my authority!" Angela exclaimed. "Whatever you say... _Cartman_ ," Amy said, finishing the last part quietly.

Just then, the doors to the bridge opened and Marco, coupled with Stormy, Kevin, and Dr Quinn, walked over to the observation post. Kevin was wearing crutches, having been injured during football practice after performing a stunt that Mack, the team captain, had warned him to to attempt. "But how do I tell which Debbie someone is talking about without some kind of descriptor? Calling the other Debbie Black Debbie makes it easy to remember, and the white Debbie is just Debbie Dupree," Stormy said. "But then why call her _Black_ Debbie instead of just her name?" Dr. Quinn said.

"Well, I know she's black," Stormy replied. Dr. Quinn put a hand to his forehead. "Okay, Stormy, how would you feel if everyone called you White Stormy?" he asked him. Stormy gasped. "You mean..." Dr. Quinn smiled. "There's a _black_ Stormy?"

Dr. Quinn's smile faded. "Sure, why not?" he replied, ready to give up. "Hey, wait, does this mean that there might be a black Kevin too?" Kevin Thompson asked. "Do you mean a black person with the name Kevin or a black version of yourself?" Marco asked him. Kevin was silent as he processed this question.

"So... are you saying that there are _two_ black Kevins?" he asked. Dr. Quinn slapped his forehead in frustration. Now he understood why Commander DeMartino hated being around this boy. "Um, not to interrupt," Amy Barksdale said, "But could someone help me remove this panel so that I can reach the wire connectors? I need to pull them out and then reconnect them properly."

"Sure thing!" Marco said as he walked over. "Let my muscles be your handy-men!" he exclaimed as he helped Amy pry the panel off of the wire box for the scanner. "All right, now is it the green wire, or the red wire?" Marco asked. "Actually, I can take care of it from this point," Amy replied. "But thank you for your help," she added as she began carefully disconnecting the various wires.

A minute or two later, Debbie Dupree marched onto the bridge. "Okay, I need to have a baby, and I need one of you to help make it happen!" she declared. Amy almost pulled out a wire too forcefully as she processed what she just heard.

"Say what?" Murphy asked slowly, still keeping his gaze on the ocean. "I need to have a baby! My biological clock is ticking, and I won't have much time! Maybe another ten years at the most!" Debbie said quickly. Amy's eyes narrowed as she stood up to look at Debbie.

"Debbie, do you really think that these men are the best candidates for the job?" Amy asked her. Angela Li was still quiet, having a eyebrow raised at Debbie's outburst, but otherwise merely watching the proceedings. "Having a child is a huge responsibility, even when it isn't your own. If you're going to have a child, you need to make sure that it's with the right person and for the right reasons," Amy said calmly. "Oh my god, you're right! I need to make a list of qualifications for applicants! I'll be back!" Debbie said as she ran out the door.

"Now, was that the, uh, white Debbie or the black Debbie?" Murphy asked as he turned his head. Amy just shook her head.

* * *

 

Debbie ran up to Tommy Sherman, who was guarding a corridor where maintenance work was being done. "Sorry, but Tommy Sherman cannot allow anyone to pass through here until the maintenane work has been completed and the corridor is safe," Tommy said firmly. Debbie looked him over, shook her head, and then walked off.

"Tommy Sherman is good at his job. Very good," Tommy said with a smile.

A few hours later, as Daria and Jane were leaving their final class, they saw Debbie Dupree running toward them. "Daria," Debbie shouted as she came to a stop in front of the girls.

"Is there a problem on the bridge?" Daria asked, retrieving her Crew ID Badge from a pocket in her thin green vest that she was wearing overtop her uniform. "No, but I need to have a baby, and I need your help to make a qualification list for applicants!" Debbie said.

"Um, what?" Daria asked her, confused. "Potential baby daddies!" Debbie explained. "Okay, but why do you need _my_ help, and anyway, aren't you banging-I mean, in a relationship with Dr. Quinn?" Daria replied. "Yes, but I need to make sure that he isn't the only person capable of helping me raise a child!" Debbie exclaimed.

"There are lots of men on Sealab! Dr. Quinn is just one of them! I mean, yeah, he's smart, but smarts are only part of it!" Debbie said as she grabbed Daria by the shoulders. By now, several people had gathered around the trio to watch them.

"Please, Daria, I need you to help me have a baby!" Debbie pleaded.

* * *

 

Quinn Morgendorffer looked at the list she was typing. "You know, it's a shame that my sister didn't want to help you," Quinn said as she turned to look at Debbie Dupree. "As a member of the Fashion Club, I _excel_ at making lists of guys who qualify for dating," Quinn said with a smile. "But I'm not concerned about dating," Debbie said, "I just want someone who can [quack] me until I can't walk anymore and knock me up! And who knows how to cook, clean, make funny jokes, braid my hair, fix mechanical and electronic equipment, solve world hunger..."

Quinn and Stacey Rowe both looked at Debbie with wide eyes as she kept talking. "Can get that crease out of the bottom folds of the uniform, can clean headlights without leaving marks, can divide by halves, can multiply by fractions..." "Um, Quinn-" "I already said I need more than just him, oh and can make the wireless printer in the office work with any computer-" Debbie interjected before continuing her rant. "Anyway," Stacey said, "Maybe we should get your Aunt Amy to help us. She seems smart enough to help Debbie with her... quest."

"She was called in to fix a lot of malfunctioning equipment on the bridge today. She may not return home until late," Quinn said in reply. "Oh," Stacey said sadly.

* * *

 

"I told you," Daria said to Angela Li, "Debbie asked me to help her make a list of potential applicants to knock her up. I was _not_ propositioning her." "Hmm, yes, given her actions on the bridge earlier today, this would seem to make sense. Very well, Miss Morgendorffer, your story checks out. You may return to whatever it is you have planned for the evening," Li said as she un-cuffed Daria from the interrogation chair.

Daria quickly got up and left the room without looking back.

* * *

 

"So how was your date with Miss Li?" Amy asked Daria as she and Jane sat around the dinner table. "She actually thought that _I_ was _propositioning_ Debbie Dupree," Daria said disgusted. "Say _what?_ " Amy asked her. "Let me start at the beginning," Daria said.

"Okay, that does it! Daria, you and Jane stay here while I go find White Debbie and straighten her out!" Amy said after Daria finished her story. Amy got up and grabbed her access card from the counter before heading out the door. "So...does that coffee maker of hers really make three separate cups of three different flavors at the same time?" Jane asked Daria as she eyed the Coffee Lover 3000 on the counter next to the sink.

* * *

 

Debbie Dupree opened the door of her housing unit to see Captain Murphy. Quinn and Stacey both looked at him with horrified faces. "Oh, Captain Murphy, are you here as a potential father?" Debbie asked him. "Potential fa-oh! Oh, I, uh, thought that you wanted to... _adopt_ one of us as your baby," Murphy said.

Quinn and Stacey's faces now showed confusion at the man's statement. "No, Captain, I want someone to impregnate me so that I can have a baby," Debbie explained. "Oh, sorry about that," Murphy said as he turned around and walked away. Debbie closed her door and sighed.

There was another knock on the door a few minutes later and Debbie pressed the open button for it to slide open, revealing Amy Barksdale on the other side. "Hi, Amy. I don't have any broken equipment in my quarters today," Debbie said. "That's not why I'm here," Amy said.

* * *

 

"This coffee is the best [horn honk]ing coffee I've ever [Guitar riff]ing tasted!" Jane exclaimed as she downed a cup of Hazelnut Cream flavored coffee before preparing to pour herself an Amaretto flavored cup. Daria watched Jane with an amused expression as she recorded her antics. "More, I need more! More, More, MOAR!" Jane shouted as she prepared more cups of the life-giving beverage.

* * *

 

"So, now do you understand my point?" Amy asked her. "I do," Debbie said, "But I also don't care! I need to have a baby! My clock is ticking, and I haven't gotten laid in three weeks! Three _weeks!_ " Amy sighed. "Stacey, Quinn, I recommend that you leave Debbie's quarters for a while and go back to mine. I'll be here for a while trying to help her," Amy said.

As soon as the girls had left, she began undressing. "I think I know what the real problem here is," Amy said as she dropped her shirt to the floor and slid her pants off. "Debbie, let me help you," Amy said.

* * *

 

"Daria, what is going on in here?" Quinn asked as she looked around the kitchen and saw Jane frantically dry-humping a chair in a desperate bid for release while multiple cups of coffee sat around the counter. "Let me show you a video," Daria said. "You see, when a woman loves a chair very much _and_ drinks an absurd amount of coffee..."

* * *

 

"That was wonderful," Debbie said as she and Amy laid back on her bed. "But... I still want a baby," Debbie finished. "Dammit!" Amy said in a manner not unlike her niece. "I thought for sure that sexual frustration was the cause of all of this!"

* * *

 

** The Next Day... **

"So...calling her Black Debbie to her face didn't work out for either of you, did it?" Dr. Quinn asked Stormy as he told him about his and Kevin's quest to win over Debbie Love the previous evening. "No, and Kevin now has to use _two_ crutches instead of one!" Stormy said.

"He was _already_ using two crutches," Dr. Quinn said. "Really? Huh, I didn't notice," Stormy said. "I'm not surprised," Quinn said as he sighed and shook his head.

Just then, Debbie Dupree walked onto the bridge. "Okay, everyone, I have a list of qualifications for potential fathers, and I'm going to need everyone to get in a line!"

She walked over an grabbed the microphone from Sparks. "Okay, everyone, Debbie Dupree is fertile and needs a baby. All potential fathers please form a line starting on the bridge!" Debbie shouted into the microphone. "That thing's turned off," Sparks said. "Dammit," Debbie grunted as she turned on the microphone and repeated her speech verbatim.

Soon, multiple males, not all of whom were adults, had shown up on the bridge. Captain Murphy was busy staring out the observation windows at the sea life. It calmed him.

"Okay," Debbie began, "Mr. Ruttheimer, why do you think you would be a good father for my child?" "Um... I actually didn't think through that far," he admitted before walking away. "Wait, don't you have school today?" Debbie asked him. "Whoops!" Upchuck yelped before running away from the bridge. Debbie looked at the next male in line.

"Okay, Hesh, why would you make a good father?" Debbie asked. "Hesh wants sex!" he answered. "Anything else?" Debbie asked him. "Um... well... _sex!_ " "Next, please!"

"Marco, why would you be a good father?" Debbie asked. "My rugged Latin looks and physique mean that I would be great in bed and I would have the strength and stamina to handle being around a little rugrat," he answered. "I would also be able to teach the child how to wrestle with a grizzly bear and walk away while missing only _one_ limb!" "Next!"

"Quinn, why would you make a good father?" Debbie asked him. "Well, for starters, I'm already very knowledgeable about you, _and_ I have an IQ of 260. I can give you and help raise one of the smartest children who will ever live! I also know how to fix a wireless printer," he added. "Hmm... I'll put you in the top ten list, but I still need to see the rest of the applicants. Can't afford to leave out anyone," Debbie said.

"Okay, next in line!" Debbie said as Quinn reluctantly stepped to the side. "Um, aren't you three supposed to be in school today?" Debbie asked Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, collectively known as the Three J's. "Um, we heard Quinn's name," Jeffy said. "You mean _my_ name?" Dr. Quinn asked them with a frown.

"Oops," Joey said. "You boys are supposed to be in school, now go back to class before I drag you back there myself," Quinn said firmly. "Jeffy, I _told you_ that was the wrong Quinn!" Jamie White said accusingly. "Well, no one said why it was the wrong Quinn!" Jeffy retorted. "I told both of you that I saw Quinn in the hallway going to her math class before we left for the bridge!" Joey yelled. The Three J's soon began fighting each other.

"Break it up!" Quinn shouted as he rushed in to pull the boys apart. Hesh watched with mild amusement. "Amateurs," he muttered. Ignoring the fighting lads, Debbie looked at the next person in line.

"Stormy why do you think-I mean, why would you be a good father?" Debbie asked him. "Uh, I don't know," he said. "Do I get a prize?" he asked her. "Stormy, do you even know where babies come from?" Debbie asked him. "Sure, two people have sex and the woman gets pregnant. That's, like, grade-school knowledge!" he said.

"Only if you live in the northern half of the United States!" Quinn shouted as he held Jeffy back from Jamie while Joey tried to gnaw on his arm. "Hmm, well, you at least know the basics," Debbie said. "Not just the basics; I also know advanced positions, like the Lotus, and the Wheelbarrow!" Stormy said with a smile.

"Stormy, I may not choose your for a father, but if I need a good time, I _will_ give you a call," Debbie said. " _Stormy Waters,_ " boomed Commander DeMartino's voice over the intercom, " _Please move your POSTERIOR to the MOTOR POOL as SOON as POSSIBLE! Thank YOU!_ "

"Aw man, I wanted to see who would win the fight!" Stormy said as he left the bridge.

Debbie looked back at the rest of the applicants in line. There were many of them. She looked over at Sparks. "Sparks, how come you aren't in line?" "Huh?" he asked, turning his head away from a Japanese women's wrestling match on one of his console screens. "Oh, um, I'm... uh, sterile. Yeah, I'm sterile. Can't have children even if I want them," he lied before returning his attention to the wrestling watch.

"Then why did you wear a condom five weeks ago?" Debbie asked him. "Um, better safe than sorry, regardless of medical test results that have been misplaced and can't be found," he replied, not taking his eyes away from the fluid motions of the Japanese women on his screen. "Yeah, take her down!" he cheered. "Oh, um, I was telling someone to take their sub down in a proper docking procedure, in case anyone was wondering," Sparks lied.

With a sigh, Debbie returned her attention to the long line of men in front of her. "Okay, Mr. Van Driessen, why would you make a good father?" Debbie asked the blond-haired man in front of her. "Well, I actually wanted to ask you about why you would pursue a method such as this for choosing the father of your child," he replied.

"Um, it helps me make sure that I find every possible candidate and eliminate the possible sex-offenders or immature candidates from my finals list," Debbie said. "Quinn Morgendorffer helped me make a list last night, but I don't that anyone here drives a sports car in Sealab, so I had to edit her original list to something more in line with what's actually available," she added.

"Um, I'm going to have to ask you to not drag my students into your schemes in the future," David Van Driessen requested politely. "Bringing impressionable youth such as them into a situation that forces them to observe and bear witness to an otherwise respectable adult such as yourself engaging in this kind of behavior will only cause problems for them down the road," he said. "Hmm, cares about well being of the youth," Debbie wrote on a notepad. "Next!"

Tommy Sherman pushed David out of the way. "Tommy, why do you think that you would make a good father?" Debbie asked him. "Tommy Sherman was once a star QB! But now Tommy Sherman works for an Orwellian-inspired wannabe dictator. Tommy Sherman hopes to pass his knowledge of football onto the next generation!" Tommy Sherman declared.

"Um, okay. Next!" Debbie called.

"Okay, Jessie Moreno, why would you make a good father?" Debbie asked him. "Uh...I don't remember," he said. Debbie growled in frustration.

"Okay, is anyone actually here so that they can be a father, or are you all just trying to get a chance at banging my brains out!?" Debbie screamed. "Mommy, don't talk like that!" Murphy admonished in a hushed tone.

"None of you are good candidates! I don't know why I even tried to do this!" Debbie shouted.

Tommy Sherman pointed his finger at Quinn and the Three J's. "This was all your faults!" he shouted accusingly. "Our fault?" Jeffy asked defensively. "No, it's the fault of an irresponsible environment that fosters-" "Shut up!" Marco cried as he punched Van Driessen in the face, before being tackled by Sherman. "Hesh wants sex!" Hesh shouted.

"I don't believe this! Not one person here is fatherhood material, and I can't even begin to wonder why I wanted a baby so much int he first place anymore. I mean, why would I, when I already have a bunch of big babies right here!?" Debbie shouted before running off.

Everyone who had been watching her stayed quiet before resuming their fight, except Sparks, who didn't even notice what was going on behind him.

* * *

 

"So," Amy asked Debbie as she chatted with her in the hallway outside of the Botany Lab, "I guess you don't want a baby after all." "Oh, I'm just going to have to wait until I get a chance to go back on land and find someone who isn't insane up there," Debbie said with a sigh. "Good luck," Amy said. "Yeah, I'll need it," Debbie said before wandering off.

* * *

 

Later that night, Debbie laid back in her bed looking at the man in front of her as he slowly took off his uniform. "So, do you want the mustache on or off?" he asked her. "Off, please," Debbie replied. "Too bad," Murphy said with a chuckle.

* * *

 

Ending Theme: Fallen Angel featuring Aimee B, from Panty & Stocking With Garterbelt OST.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the title of this episode was inspired by the Invader Zim episode, GIR Goes Crazy And Stuff. I am a big fan of Invader Zim.


	5. We Can Forget It For You Wholesale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daria, Jane, and Sparks discover an interesting aspect of time and space.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

 

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 1-05: We Can Forget It For You Wholesale

* * *

Date: Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Daria Morgendorffer slowly walked past the motor pool of Pod 03 as she made her way to the bridge. She saw Jane standing at the corner, waiting for her. "Hey, how'd you get here before me?" Daria asked her.

"Eh, you'd be surprised at how spacious those air vents are," Jane replied. "Find anything interesting in those vents?" Daria asked her as they entered the mid-level service tunnel between Pod 03 and Pod 01. "Well, unless you count some spare uniforms that are over ten years old as interesting, then no," Jane said.

"I also found a box with a soda machine in it, but the damn thing was surrounded by scorpions. I think we should tell somebody about that," Jane said. "Scorpions?" Daria asked her. "Yep. Vicious little bastards," Jane replied.

After finally arriving at the bridge, Daria and Jane looked around, seeing Sparks sitting with his face on a console, drooling. "Does he _ever_ leave this room?" Jane asked as she studied the sleeping man. She tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey, Sparky, wake up," Jane said. "Huh? when did you get here?" Sparks asked. "Just a minute ago," Daria said. "Did you keep the door open?" Sparks asked her. "No, why?" Daria asked him. "Shit. We're going to be stuck in here for a while," Sparks said.

"What do you mean? Is the door broken?" Daria asked him. "Not exactly. Daria, what is today's date?" Sparks asked her. "Today is Saturday, August twenty-first, year 2021. Why?" she replied. "Because before you got in here, the date on these clocks and throughout the rest of the station was August 17th. And it had stayed that way for ten weeks," Sparks replied tiredly.

"Um, care to explain what your talking about?" Jane asked him. "It's simple; this room is caught in some kind of time loop," Sparks said. "We need to wait for someone to open a door from the outside, because opening it from in here doesn't do shit to how time passes every twenty-four hours. We can leave this room, but time will still repeat itself for us unless we leave when someone opens the door from the outside," Sparks explained.

"Um, Sparks, what are you smoking?" Jane asked him. "Cause I could really use something to get my creativity flowing for my paintings," she finished. "Oh, you'll see eventually, after you leave this room. Go on, leave the room and then come back. My watch works, but only because it's an old fashioned one. It doesn't take the _date_ into account," Sparks said, slightly unhinged.

"Right. We'll come back later," Daria said as she and Jane exited the bridge. "Go on, don't believe me! But when you wake up and find that the date hasn't changed, you'll see that I'm right! You'll both see!" Sparks shouted at their retreating forms.

* * *

 

"Okay, now, Stormy, I need you to-what are you doing with that toaster?" Dr. Quinn asked Stormy, who was standing by the edge of the pool. "I want to see if it's shinier in the water than out of it!" Stormy said with a goofy grin.

"Well, wait until I-" Quinn was interrupted as Stormy lost his grip and the toaster fell into the pool. For a split second, he could see that the toaster was plugged into the wall. "Stormy, no!" Quinn cried as the machine sent electric currents throughout the pool.

"Aaack. Aarrg," Quinn gasped out. Daria and Jane entered the motor pool just in time to see him take his last few breaths. "Stormy...why?" he rasped before he sank beneath the surface. "What the hell just happened!?" Jane screamed at Stormy.

"I dropped my toaster into the pool by accident. I forgot it was plugged in. I wanted to show Dr. Quinn that it was really shiny!" "You killed Dr. Quinn!" Jane shouted at him.

"I wha-oh crap!" Stormy exclaimed. He ran out of the room crying.

Daria and Jane looked into the pool before using the intercom to call for someone to help retrieve Dr. Quinn's body.

* * *

 

"Damn, and he was one of the sane crew members," Commander Anthony DeMartino growled as he hefted Dr. Quinn's body onto the floor of the motor pool. He took of his suit's helmet after leaving the pool. "Dammit, where the HELL is STORMY!?" he demanded.

"He ran out crying into the hallway," Daria said, allowing sadness to actually enter her voice. She actually respected Dr. Quinn, since he was one of the few intelligent adults stationed on Sealab.

Debbie came into the room and burst into tears at the sight of Quinn's body. Then Quinn Morgendorffer entered the room. "Smart Quinn is dead?" she asked hesitantly. "Smart Quinn dead," Daria said. "Now, me only Quinn?" Quinn asked, pointing at herself.

Daria nodded her head solemnly as Quinn turned around and walked out of the room while a line of people formed. "Okay, who's next in line!?" DeMartino asked as Janet Barch stepped forward.

"He... he was a male who _wasn't_ always arrogant and stupid. He was one of two exceptions to the rule," Janet said before she turned around. "Oh my," Mr. O'Neil said as he looked at Quinn's corpse.

The process continued into the night until Daria and Jane both returned to Amy Barksdale's housing unit for the night.

* * *

 

Daria woke up, went to the living room and turned on the TV. " _Heeeyyy-ooohhh!_ " Chopper Dave shouted before his chopper exploded. Daria felt that something about this was familiar, but shrugged it off.

As she met up with Jane later after passing the Motor Pool, the duo encountered a weary and crazed Sparks ranting about time loops on the bridge. On their way back, they found that Stormy had accidentally killed Dr. Quinn by dropping a hair dryer into the pool of water with him.

Both girls went back to Amy's housing unit after everyone had lined up to see Dr. Quinn's corpse.

* * *

 

Daria woke up, went to the living room and turned on the TV. " _Heeeyyy-ooohhh!_ " Chopper Dave shouted before his chopper exploded. Daria felt that there was something familiar about this nagging at the back of her mind, but shrugged it off.

As she met up with Jane later after passing the Motor Pool, the duo encountered a weary and crazed Sparks ranting about time loops on the bridge. On their way back, they found that Stormy had accidentally killed Dr. Quinn by dropping a damaged electrical cable into the pool of water with him.

Both girls went back to Amy's housing unit after everyone had lined up to see Dr. Quinn's corpse.

* * *

 

Daria woke up, went to the living room and turned on the TV. " _Heeeyyy-ooohhh!_ " Chopper Dave shouted before his chopper exploded. Daria felt that there was something familiar about this nagging at the back of her mind, but shrugged it off.

As she met up with Jane later after passing the Motor Pool, the duo encountered a weary and crazed Sparks ranting about time loops on the bridge. On their way back, they found that Dr. Quinn had accidentally killed Stormy by letting him hold a wet electrical cable that had been damaged.

Both girls went back to Amy's housing unit after everyone had lined up to see Stormy's corpse and make fun of him.

* * *

 

Daria woke up, went to the living room and turned on the TV. " _Heeeyyy-ooohhh!_ " Chopper Dave shouted before his chopper exploded. Daria felt that there was something familiar about this nagging at the back of her mind, but shrugged it off.

As she met up with Jane later after passing the Motor Pool, the duo encountered a weary and crazed Sparks ranting about time loops on the bridge. On their way back, they found that Stormy had accidentally killed Dr. Quinn by unknowingly opening a door to a room with a captured shark and letting the animal into the pool of water with him.

Both girls went back to Amy's housing unit after everyone had lined up to see what was left of Dr. Quinn's corpse and the shark that Commander DeMartino had dragged out of the water with his bare hands.

* * *

 

Daria woke up and looked over at the clock and saw that it was exactly the same time that she had woken up the day prior. She went into the living room and turned on the TV. " _Now Chopper Dave!_ " Daria slowly turned to look at the TV. " _Heeeyyy-ooohhh!_ " Chopper Dave shouted before his chopper exploded. This was exactly what had been on TV the previous morning. Daria remembered Sparks' words. "It's just a coincidence," she told herself.

She walked by Amy's room and saw her aunt exiting the bathroom in the exact same state of undress as she had been yesterday. "Morning, Daria," Amy said with a wave. Daria sat down at the table as Amy opened the fridge and pulled out some milk. "Saturday mornings are the best, aren't they?" Amy asked her niece.

"Don't you mean Sunday?" Daria asked. "No, today's Saturday," Amy replied. "No, yesterday was Saturday," Daria said. "Um, sure, Daria, sure," Amy said. "Well, I'm gonna stop by the Motor Pool to help Dr. Quinn out later on today," Amy said.

_Wait, Dr. Quinn died yesterday. Didn't Amy hear about it?_ "Um, Amy, do you remember what happened yesterday?" Daria asked her aunt. "Yeah. You and Quinn went to school, I fixed a couple of broken doors throughout the station, and then you went to the bridge for your shift at the communications area," Amy replied.

Daria looked at the clock over above the microwave. The date was Saturday, August 21st, 2021. Daria blanched as Sparks' words resounded in her head. _I sometimes pay the orphans to pee on Captain Murphy's bed at night._ _Wrong words,_ Daria admonished herself. _We're stuck in a time loop!_ _Not his_ _ **exact**_ _words, but close enough,_ Daria reasoned with herself.

* * *

 

Sparks looked over his shoulder as he saw Daria and Jane enter the bridge. "So...Believe me yet?" he asked them. "We believe you," Daria said. "So, how do we get out of this loop?" Jane asked him. "My best guess is that we exit the door as soon as someone opens it from the outside, someone who didn't enter the bridge on the same day as the rest of us, too, just to be safe," Sparks reasoned.

"So, who isn't scheduled to be here on the bridge today?" Daria asked him. "Well, Captain Murphy said that he would be listening to rap music all day in his quarters, while Miss Li and Marco are heading out to a supply boat today. White Debbie is probably boning Dr. Quinn, unless he dies _again_ , which, given how many times it's happened, is quite likely."

"Wait, how many times has Dr. Quinn died?" Daria asked him. "Well, it took you guys twenty loops to finally start suspecting that I was right before today, and your brains are only now catching up fully. I'll be honest. I haven't spent ten weeks here. I've spent ten _**years**_ here," Sparks said angrily.

"I've spent ten years in this same damn loop, and only after you guys come in twenty days ago do any changes take place and the thing synchronizes itself at all!" Sparks ranted. "T-Ten _years?_ " Jane asked. "Yeah! Ten _fucking_ _ **years!**_ " Sparks declared angrily. "I've heard Captain Murphy sing the same yodel ten years in a row, day after day, and I've listened in on Barch and O'Neil banging on Miss Li's desk in the school the same number of times!"

"Wait, Barch and... O'Neil are-" "Who cares about them!? They haven't felt the negative effect of realizing that they're in a time loop! _I have!_ And now, so have the two of you! We. Are. _Trapped_. Until someone from a date after today opens that door, we will be trapped in this day for years and years to come, and we will slowly be driven insane," Sparks ranted.

* * *

 

"Hey, Female Quinn, check this out!" Captain Murphy said as he spotted the red-head walking past his quarters. She really didn't want to spend time around the eccentric old man, but she decided that she might as well humor him. The sooner she got this over with, the better.

"Alright, what do you want to show me?" Quinn asked the captain. "Watch this!" Murphy said as he pressed play on a CD player. Rap music from the 1980's began playing, and as he sang along, Quinn saw a remarkable transformation take place.

Facial hair began growing on Captain Murphy's face every time he sang a lyric. By the end of the song, he had a full beard, with a nest of birds living in it to boot. "Pretty _snazzy_ , dontcha' think?" Murphy asked Quinn. She stared at him in amazement.

_I'm going to charge people money to watch this!_ Quinn smiled at her plan.

* * *

 

"Hey, what are you guys doing in here?" Dr. Quentin Quinn asked as he opened the door to the bridge. "Don't let that door close!" Jane screamed as she lept forward. It was too late.

"God damn it, Quinn!" Daria shouted. "Hey! Watch yourself, young lady. First off, you need to calm down and tell me why you're all so upset. The door isn't broken, cause I just opened it. Or are the controls on the inside broken? I guess I should call your aunt to come look at it some time today or tomorrow," Quinn asked her.

Sparks saw the date and time change on his console. "Quinn what's today's date?"

* * *

 

In a small submersible heading to Sealab, Marco Rodriguez and Angela Li sat next to each other.

"Did they ever tell you why, Marco? Why they want to terminate my command?" Angela asked Marco.

"They told me you had gone... totally insane, Ma'am, and that your methods were... _unsound_ ,"Marco replied.

" _Are_ my methods... unsound?" Angela asked in a thoughtful tone as she reached for her gun.

"I don't see _any_ method. At all, Miss Li," Marco replied honestly.

"Are you an assassin?" Li asked him.

"I'm a soldier," Marco replied.

"You're neither," Li said. "You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill."

"So..." Marco said. "So," Li said, pulling her gun out. "WET WILLY FOR YOU!" Marco shouted as he surprised Miss Li.

They struggled in the submersible, causing it to go out of control.

* * *

 

Daria looked at the small vessel approaching Sealab. She saw that it was out of control, and it was approaching the bridge. Suddenly, she had an idea. "Sparks, can you contact that sub and have them ram the bridge?" Daria asked him. "I'm sorry, but WHAT did you just ask him to do!?" Quinn asked her incredulously.

"It's the only way," Daria said. "Um, I don't think it will make any difference if I call them or not. They're still heading right for us," Sparks said. Daria looked up and saw that he was correct. Not only that, but the sub was picking up speed.

"Quickly, we have to get out of here!" Quentin shouted at the trio. "Not yet!" Sparks retorted. "If we leave now, before someone from the outside makes their way in, then we'll just wake up on the same day again. Daria's right; this is the only way to break the cycle, as...well, as awful as it sounds."

"What are you talking about!?" Quinn asked them. "This room exerts some kind of recurring time loop onto the people inside of it. I've been stuck here for over ten years and three months now," Sparks replied. "Say what?" Quinn asked. "Look, this is the kind of thing that _you_ would normally figure out and try to convince the rest of us about, but not this time! This time, _we_ are the ones who have no mouths and must scream!" Sparks shouted.

"You know, that was actually kind of poetic. That last part, I mean," Jane commented.

"Jane, go stand by the door. If anyone opens it from the outside, we have to prevent it from closing before that sub crashes here!" Sparks ordered her. "Got it!" Jane said as she ran over to the door that Quinn had entered from.

The sub got closer, and it was almost upon them when the bridge door opened and Quinn Morgendorffer entered the room. Jane immediately stepped into the doorway and blocked the door from closing. "Hey, guys, I need to make an announcement about Captain Murphy! I just found the coolest way to make money while having him do something weird," Female Quinn tried to explain.

"Move, now!" Sparks said as he and the others ran to the door. They managed to reach the door just as the sub collided with the windows of the bridge.

Then Sealab exploded.

* * *

 

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.


	6. Tonight Is What It Means To Be Dumb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's trouble under the sea when Stormy and Kevin do something incredibly stupid with one of Dr. Quinn's experiments.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

 

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 1-06: Tonight Is What It Means To Be Dumb

* * *

Date: Friday, September 06, 2021

"No. I need to adjust the formula a bit more," Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn said to himself as he observed the results of his latest experiment. "This one only improved _marginally_ , and even then, it could be a result of conditioning from the other experiments. I need more specimens," he muttered.

The door to the lab slid open and Derek "Stormy" Waters walked inside. "Hey, Quinn, whatcha' doin'?" he asked him. "I'm trying to make a serum that will boost people's intelligence," Quinn replied.

"Oh, then what's with the mouse? Does it turn people into genius mice too?" Stormy asked with complete sincerity. "No, Stormy. The mouse is a test subject, because as a mammal it and humans share many qualities, such as-you know what, it has a similar enough genetic code to humans that testing on it will let me know if the serum will have any effect at all. It's called genetics; try studying it sometime," Quinn said, knowing that most of what he was saying was flying right over Stormy's head.

"Genetics... wasn't that a book by that Hubbel guy?" Stormy asked. "No, that was Dianetics, written by L. Ron Hubbard and it was complete drivel. The work of a complete lunatic and a scam artist. Even though it _was_ used as the foundation for a cult that managed to harass the Supreme Court into giving it Tax-Exempt status as a religion, which it _isn't_ , but I digress," Quinn said.

"Uh, does the Supreme Court decide if the serum is safe?" Stormy asked him. "No, the FDA will decide if it's safe, and I'm still a long way off from getting anything even close to that kind of approval yet. I'm still in the testing phase," Quinn replied as he studied his notes, trying to find places to make adjustments.

"So... what does it do again?" Stormy asked. Quentin sighed as he prepared himself for a long afternoon.

* * *

 

After school, Daria and Jane made their way to the bridge. Daria already had her Crew ID Badge applied to her light, thin green vest as she entered the authorized personnel corridor. It was really just a corridor like any other, but making it so that only authorized crew could use it made things easier for the crew when they had to move from place to place without running into too many people.

Daria's thin green vest was also a placeholder for her green flack-jacket, which she wasn't allowed to wear while on duty, unless it was a special occasion. The vest was waterproof, and it had a zip-lock pouch for her ID badge.

Jane prepared her ID Badge as well, although she was wondering how long it would be before someone realized that she didn't actually have an assigned position on the Bridge.

Well, anyone other than Sparks, who knew about her status but didn't care. He had made it clear that, as far as he was concerned, she could be on the bridge so long as she didn't intentionally cause any catastrophic damage to essential equipment. Otherwise, she could do whatever she wanted. Sparks had explained this to her while playing a game of Solitaire on his computer console.

The door to the bridge opened as Daria and Jane walked inside. "Ah, Lieutenant Morgendorffer," Commander DeMartino said as he watched Daria approach her console station. "And... Miss Lane," DeMartino finished. "I didn't know that you were part of the Bridge crew," DeMartino said in a slightly perturbed manner.

"Yeah, she can use her art to, um, fix things... or something," Captain Murphy said as he walked over. "I don't suppose that exposing paint fumes to our air supply would count as fixing anything, would it?" DeMartino asked. "Um, those paint cans don't leave my quarters," Jane said. "I should _HOPE_ so," DeMartino replied.

Listening to Jane and DeMartino converse, Daria sat down at her post and put on her headset.

* * *

 

"Finally," Quinn said as Stormy left the lab. "Now, where was I? Oh, right, labels," he said as he looked at the various test serums he had inside of a container. "Hmm, I'm gonna need to get permission to have more test mice. I'd better go tell Captain Murphy, or at least Commander DeMartino. His head seems screwed on properly...most of the time," Quinn said to himself as he exited his lab and made his way to the Bridge.

* * *

 

"Stormy, I need you to go back to Dr. Quinn's lab and get him," Debbie said. "Can I take Kevin with me? I might need the extra help to drag him back here," Stormy asked.

"Sure, just make sure that he doesn't wander off," Debbie said. She looked over at Brittany Taylor sitting on her couch. "Now, when Quentin-I mean, Dr. Quinn gets here, you are going to explain _everything_ to us, understand?" Debbie said. "Yes, Ma'am," Brittany said, embarrassed.

* * *

 

While Jane was busy sketching a panoramic of the view of the bridge, Quinn entered the room, looking for Captain Murphy. "Hey, Captain, I need to ask you a favor," he said. Captain Murphy and Commander DeMartino paused their conversation as Dr. Quinn strode over to them with a nervous smile on his face.

"How can we help you, Dr. Quinn?" Commander DeMartino asked. "Well, I need some lab mice for my latest research project, and there are only a handful of control mice left. We need more. Now, I think that I can make the few that we have left last until the next supply shipment comes in, but I do hope that perhaps you will heed my request," Quinn replied.

"Um, couldn't you just... let the mice breed? That would give you plenty in a short amount of time," DeMartino suggested. "Um, see, the thing is... the only mice left are the sterile ones from when Miss Barch broke into the lab during that strange fit she had two months ago and tried to neuter all of the male mice," Quentin explained.

"Oh. Well that _is_ unfortunate," DeMartino said. "Well, we'll put in a request for more lab mice, since you seem to know what you're doing, unlike CERTAIN other PEOPLE on this STATION," DeMartino said.

"So, what kind of research are you conducting?" Daria asked Dr. Quinn as he walked past her to the door. "Well, I'm currently working on a serum that will, hopefully, boost people's intelligence," Quinn replied. "Hmm, I know a few people who could benefit from that," Daria quipped. "As do _I_ , Miss Morgendorffer," DeMartino commented quietly, thinking of a certain young man and his blonde girlfriend, both of whom often tested the limits of DeMartino's patience when he would teach their history classes.

"So, who are you going to test it on?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. "What? I'm not ready to move onto human trials yet. I'm still testing it on lab mice," he replied. "Yeah, but the sooner you put it in humans, the faster you can see how much it actually works," Sparks replied.

"I can't do that. I can't test on humans without proper approval, and my tests haven't shown enough promise yet. I need to conduct more experiments," Quinn said, causing Daria to subtly smile at his reverence for ethics. "But, if you were to test on humans _now_ , you could show your results much sooner, and get grant money or even a Nobel prize." "No! There are rules, _procedures!_ It has to be tested on animals first!"

"Why!?" Sparks retorted. "Why does everything we consume have to be tested on animals first?" "I-" "Ah-ah! A _ferret_ doesn't need eyeliner! A _rabbit_ doesn't wear lipstick! A _monkey_ doesn't need _pills_ to get hopped up for some _hot monkey sex!_ It's people, man! We're miserable, so why shouldn't we try it all first!?" Sparks ranted.

Quinn just sighed and shook his head, waiting for Sparks to calm down. "This is why I'm a scientist and you're a convicted felon serving your sentence as a radio operator," Quinn said as he turned around and left the bridge. "So... who was saying what about monkeys?" Captain Murphy asked. "Don't ask," Commander DeMartino said as he looked at Sparks with disappointment.

* * *

 

"Hmm, I don't see Dr. Quinn in here," Kevin Thompson said as he and Stormy walked around the lab. "He must've left before we got here," Stormy surmised. "Hey, look! It's those flavor drink things that people use to make ice poppers and stuff!" Kevin said as he grabbed a vial of orange liquid from on Quinn's lab desk.

"Oh, all right!" Stormy said as he grabbed some more vials. "Wait... Dr. Quinn said something about making people smarter with this stuff. Oh, I know, if we can pour this into the water supply, then _everybody_ will be smart! We'll turn into complete geniuses and get more chicks than Dr. Quinn!" Stormy said.

"But... then we'd be _brains!_ " Kevin complained. "No, no! We'd have brains that are _smarter_ ," Stormy said. "No, I mean, a brain is a term for, like, a smart person at school!" Kevin said with disgust. "Um, Kevin, you do realize that Dr. Quinn is, like, really smart _and_ he's banging Debbie Dupree on a nightly basis, right?" Stormy replied.

While both Kevin and Stormy were indeed idiots, Stormy at least had a small amount of common sense, although he rarely used it. Kevin, however...made Stormy look like Albert Fucking Einstein in comparison. Well, okay, he made Stormy look moderately intelligent in comparison, but that's still more intelligent than he truly was.

"Yeah, but White Debbie is also a brain. A hot brain, but still a brain. So of course they're together!" Kevin said. "Hmm, maybe you have a point..." Stormy said. "Well, let's take these drinks back with us. I get thirsty while walking," Kevin said as they left the lab.

* * *

 

"And how many metal doors did it rip through?" Debbie asked Brittany. "I-I don't know! It ripped Sue Bentley to pieces with its teeth, cut Bobby Hoover in half with its lasers, and poor Craig Summers had his arm shoved right down his throat!" Brittany sobbed.

Now she was getting the full picture. Claire, one of Dr. Quinn's earliest mechanical creations from his days working with Dr. Davidson, had been reactivated by Kevin and Brittany during a make-out session when they had snuck into one of the old containment pens. How they had gotten in there was anyone's guess, but that little detail wasn't at the front of Debbie's mind.

"Now, Brittany, how did you guys manage to keep Claire locked up so that you could escape?" Debbie finally asked the sobbing girl. "We... we just hid from it and ran as fast as we could to get here!" Brittany choked out. Debbie's eyes widened. "That _thing_ isn't contained!? It's still running loose!? Dammit, Brittany, I thought you at least knew how to close a door!" Debbie admonished.

"Waaaahh! It's my fault that they're dead! I'm so sorry!" Brittany screamed as she threw herself at Debbie, hugging her chest while sobbing almost uncontrollably. "Brittany, you can stay in my quarters until I come back. I need to go to the bridge. Now, we'll probably have to seal off the old half of Sealab from the new half, just to be safe. Claire can't have gotten too far," Debbie said.

"C-Claire?" Brittany asked the older woman. "That was what Dr. Davidson had called it. He name it... and then it killed him. Quinn had managed to shut her off and and lock her up in containment five years ago, just about a year after we had gotten started down here, but four and a half years before you guys had arrived."

"So, what do we do?" Brittany asked Debbie. "You'll stay in my quarters, and I will go to the bridge," Debbie said, walking back into her bedroom for a few minutes before reappearing with a riot shotgun and a handful of electro-shock taser-shells. The box had a warning label saying to keep away from water. The shotgun also had a laser-assisted sight on it, in addition to its iron sights. "Brittany, do you know how to use a gun?" Debbie asked her.

"Sure! My dad would take me hunting with him in Africa before we moved down here. Now he goes out hunting various sharks and large mutant crabs on the ocean floor... without me," Brittany replied. "So... you know how to use a gun?" Debbie asked her again. "I know how to use a hunting rifle," Brittany said. "I also know military tactics and karate!"

"Good, then come with me, and we'll both go to the bridge to warn everyone. We'll also take care of Claire if she comes across us," Debbie said.

* * *

 

"Hey, we should, like, add these things to water jugs so that we can make them last longer!" Stormy said as he and Kevin walked through the hallways of Sealab. "Yeah. Hey, what did Debbie want us to do at the lab again?" Kevin asked. "Um... I don't remember," Stormy replied. "I guess we can just ask her when we get back to her room," Kevin said.

"Hey, we could ask that robot thing over there to carry us to Debbie's room. We'll probably get there faster," Stormy said. "Wait, that robot thing looks familiar," Kevin said as he and Stormy slowly came across a massive mechanical hammer-head shark, with additional robot arms and legs, all of which had razor-sharp metal claws and talons.

"Hey, look over there," Stormy said, something shiny having caught his attention, "I think I see a valve for the main water supply! We can put the juice flavors in there and then pour the water into some jugs!" Stormy said happily. "Great idea!" Kevin chimed in sincerely.

They were ignored by Claire as she tore a hapless maintenance worker to pieces.

* * *

 

"You did _**WHAT!?**_ " Commander DeMartino snapped. "We accidentally activated a horrible death machine! I needed something to grip with my hands while Kevin was pound-um, while we were making out!" Brittany explained. "I don't want to know what you were about to say," DeMartino growled.

"Wait, you mean there's a killer robot on the loose throughout the station!?" Captain Murphy asked in excitement. "YES! That is what SHE JUST explained to US!" DeMartino exclaimed. Captain Murphy shuddered. "Oh, my nipples are hard just from thinking about it!"

DeMartino slowly backed away from Captain Murphy.

"We should contact Dr. Quinn," Daria said. "Debbie, you said that this was one of _his_ creations, right? Therefore, he must know of some way that we can stop it," Daria concluded logically. "Yes, but we have to warn everyone first! What if he runs into Claire in the hallway while being totally unprepared!? Then his knowledge won't amount to anything because he might be dead!" Debbie exclaimed.

Daria snapped her mouthpiece into place. "Attention, will Dr. Quinn please report to the bridge as quickly as possible? There is an emergency regarding a robot named Claire that requires your expertise. Thank you," Daria said into the com.

"I bet another robot could fight Claire," Murphy said with a dreamy look on his face.

"Captain, I don't think we have time for building another robot to fight this one. And anyway, why the hell did ANYONE even BUILD a robot such is THIS in the FIRST PLACE!?" DeMartino asked. "You'll have to ask Quinn when he gets here," Debbie said.

" _If_ he gets here," Sparks commented. Jane, who had been sitting on a couch, looked up with a worried frown on her face.

* * *

 

"That ought to do it!" Stormy said as he poured the last of the vials into the water supply. "Now we just need to get some jugs and fill them up," Kevin said. "Yep!" Stormy concurred. "Hey, Stormy, Kevin, I need your help to get to the bridge," Dr. Quinn said as he rushed over to them. "Oh, hey Doc!" Stormy said.

"Hi, what kind of help do you need?" Kevin asked him. "Stormy, I need your keys to the travel cart cage. There's one just past that junction, and I need to get to the bridge as quickly as possible!" Quinn said. "Okay, by why not just run?" Stormy asked him as he handed his keys over, dropping one of the vials in the process.

"Because I-um, what was that?" Quinn asked as he looked at the broken vial on the floor and then the ones in Stormy and Kevin's hands. "Guys...where did you get those?" Quinn asked them. "Oh, these juice flavors? We got them from your lab," Kevin said. Quinn frowned. "I don't keep juice in my la-oh my god what happened to their contents!?"

"Um, we poured them into the water supply! That way we can put them into water jugs without too much trouble," Stormy replied. "May I please see the vials?" Quinn asked as Stormy handed his over. Quinn checked the labels. "Oh god no," he said.

"Stormy, do you remember that experiment I told you about earlier today?" Quinn asked him. "Sure! Your serum makes people smarter!" he said. "Stormy, these vials all contained failure serums. None of them worked," Quinn said.

"Then what's wrong?" Stormy asked him. "They _lowered_ the intelligence of the mice that I injected with it! This would make people stupid if they drank... did you say water supply?" Quinn asked as he looked at the valve for the water supply of Pods 01-18.

"Dammit, Stormy," Quinn muttered. "Okay, follow me, we're going to the bridge, and then we can contact the necessary personnel to take care of the water supply," Quinn said as he dragged Kevin and Stormy with him.

* * *

 

"Hey," Marco said as he took another sip from a fountain in corridor 03-AD. "The water tastes a little different from normal."

* * *

 

Dr. Quinn entered the bridge with Kevin and Stormy in tow. "Okay, we have a problem," Quinn said. "Yeah, there's a killer robot on the loose," Jane said. "Okay, we have _two_ problems," Quinn reiterated. "Well, we know about the robot, so what's the other problem?" Debbie asked.

"Dumb and Dumber here poured some of my failed intelligence serums into the main water supply for Pods one through eighteen," Quinn answered. "And what effect do those failed serums have?" DeMartino asked him. "They made the lab mice stupider," Quinn said. "And how will this affect the residents of Sealab?" DeMartino asked.

"I'm not sure. I haven't tested _any_ of my serums on humans yet. I don't know what will happen!" Quinn said frantically. Captain Murphy walked over, sipping some water from a cup. "Hey, does anyone notice that the water tastes a little funny?" Murphy asked.

"Great, we'll have to stick with bottled water and soda until the station's filters can do their job," DeMartino grumbled. "Um, well, given that the filters on our side are rather old, it may take a few days. "So, we'll have to get water from Pods nineteen through thirty-six in the meantime?" Daria asked him.

"Yes. I don't think that the two main water supplies are physically connected, so those people should be safe," Quinn said. "Okay, so with the stupid water out of the way, how do we deal with the robot?" Jane asked from her spot on the couch.

"Robot? Oh, right, Claire!" Quinn said. "So... how do we stop Claire?" Debbie asked him. Quinn saw the shotgun in her hands. "Well, if those are electro-shock stun-shells, then we can immobilize her while we find the shut-off switch," Quinn said.

"How did she get turned on anyway?" Quinn asked. "Brittany and Kevin wanted some private time, so they somehow got into the old mining cage. The one that has dozens of locks on it," Debbie said. "What the- _how_ did you guys even get _in_ there!?"

"A miracle of science, I'm sure," Daria commented from her console. "Um, Dr. Quinn," Commander DeMartino began, "I would like to know something very important. Just WHY would ANYONE build a GORRAM DEATH MACHINE like THIS ONE!?"

"Well, Claire was actually designed for digging purposes," Quinn explained. "She would use her talons and jaws to dig through hard rock for mining purposes, and her lasers would help carve up stone and other rocks to make things easier for us to analyze and move around. But a fatal flaw in Dr. Davidson's programming caused her to go haywire, and she killed him after the third week of operation. I had to shut her down on my own, with help from Hesh and several others. Hesh and I were the only ones who survived."

" _Hesh_ helped you?" Daria asked. "Yes. Hesh Hepplewhite. See, Hesh was such an imbecile that Claire decided he wasn't a threat, so she ignored him. I would use him as a shield and she would back off from attacking me while everyone else distracted her. Of course, I told everyone to stay on the catwalks where she couldn't get them, but no! They had to be macho heroes and leave the safety of the catwalks!"

DeMartino cleared his throat. "Oh, so anyway, the incident was extremely traumatic for Hesh, so I wiped most of his memory of the incident, except for the location of Claire's off-switch. That way, if something were to happen to me, Hesh would be able to stop her in my absence," Quinn said. "But... why Hesh?" Sparks asked him.

"Like I said, Claire never saw Hesh as a threat because he was so incompetent at everything he did. He could probably walk up to her right now and flip the switch on his own without any trouble," Quinn replied. "No, I mean, why not tell anyone else about the off-switch? Don't you think that would be useful information for other people to have?" Sparks asked him.

"Um, guys," Daria said, "I'm getting reports of accidents in the hallways, and only two of them involve a murder-bot." "Can you show us what's happening on your screens?" Quinn asked her. "Sure, give me a few seconds," Daria replied. The five screens on her console, which were arranged horizontally as opposed to vertically for Sparks' console, showed numerous people engaging in acts of stupidity.

Amy Barksdale's face came into view on one screen. " _I don't know what's happening, but everyone's turned into a drooling moron! Just look!_ " she screamed, pointing at two men licking wrenches and laughing stupidly.

Two other men, one blonde and the other brown-haired, laughed in a manner that Daria found disturbingly familiar.

Suddenly, Upchuck's face appears on one of Sparks' monitors. " _Guys, there's something seriously wrong here! Everyone is turning into a complete idiot! Hesh and I are trying to keep things under control in the reactor room, but there are too many morons pressing buttons! We need help to keep them from doing something catastrophic!_ "

"Damn, I never thought that Upchuck would be one of the most competent people working in the reactor room...ever," Jane said. "Okay, I'll head down to the reactor room and help Lieutenant Ruttheimer and Hepplewhite keep things under control," Commander DeMartino said. "Dr. Quinn; you, Dupree, and Stormy-well, you and Dupree will hunt down that mechanical shark. Lane, you just stay here with Taylor and Thompson. Stormy, you come with-actually, stay here with Captain Murphy. Morgendorffer, Sparks, stay here and keep us posted on the locations of the shark and the status of the stupidity outbreak."

"Yes sir," Daria replied while handing out headsets to Debbie and Dr. Quinn. "Actually, Commander, if I can get to my lab, I can try to find a way to stop the stupidity from spreading by making an anti-stupid serum," Quinn said.

"Dr. Quinn, you need more lab mice for that, and I am _NOT_ diminishing the number of COMPETENT reactor room STAFF to help you do something that you do NOT have the RESOURCES to do right now. YOU know the LOCATION of that MURDER-BOT'S off-switch! So YOU get to TURN HER OFF! Take Stormy with you, as a shield," DeMartino replied.

"So... what about building another robot?" Murphy asked. "We don't have the time to do that," Quinn replied. "Come on, let's find Claire and shut her down," Debbie said as she, Quinn and Stormy left the bridge. DeMartino left the bridge using the other door at the far end. "Morgendorffer, I want you to keep Dr. Quinn alerted to the whereabouts of that machine. Sparks, keep ME posted on the status of the reactor room situation," DeMartino said before finally exiting the room.

* * *

 

DeMartino grumbled as he made his way to the reactor room, brushing by multiple people engaging in acts of stupidity. One guy was licking his finger and then pressing it to an electrical socket. "Yeah, it _burns!_ " he cried with joy. Anthony DeMartino kept walking, trying to ignore the chaos around him.

* * *

 

" _Okay, it's two corridors away from you,_ " Debbie heard Daria say quietly on her headset. Quinn was holding a metal pipe, as was Stormy. Debbie had the shotgun aimed carefully ahead of her, keeping her finger near the trigger, but not on it, just in case another crew member were to walk in front of her.

"Which Corridor?" Quinn asked her. " _Corridor AA-15,_ " Daria said. " _Wait, it just took out the camera! I can't see it now!_ " Daria said with a hint of panic in her voice. "We're close to the drill bay, where all of our drilling equipment is kept. That room has three levels of half-floors and catwalks in it," Quinn said.

"Cool!" Stormy said.

Soon, the trio approached the corridor where Claire had last been seen. There was blood on the floor and the severed arm of a crew member near a corner.

"Hey, I found an arm! Do I get a prize?" Stormy asked as he picked up the severed arm and held it up. He didn't notice the metallic talons rising up behind him.

* * *

 

"Okay, they're all tied up now," DeMartino said after letting out a breath. "So... what now?" Upchuck asked. They had managed to keep everyone from causing a reactor meltdown, but now they didn't know what to do. "Do we just... go about our business as usual?" Upchuck asked Commander DeMartino.

"We can try," he replied. "I have to go potty!" one of the tied up crewmen said.

* * *

 

"Look out!" Debbie shouted as Quinn ducked one of Claire's claws. She fired a stun-shell at the metal beast, but it only paused it for a few seconds. Quinn as able to swing his pipe at Claire's laser emitter, knocking it out of commission, but then she swatted him to the side after emitting a metallic roar.

Stormy had already been ripped to pieces by Claire.

Debbie kept firing until she was out of bullets. "Dammit!" she yelled as Claire approached her menacingly. Debbie threw the gun at Claire, who merely swatted it out of the way. Taking a deep breath, Debbie took a fighting stance. _Time to put those lessons to use,_ she thought as she leapt at Claire, kicking the metal shark in the face.

Quinn watched in fascination as his girlfriend began using Kung Fu to fight Claire. "Go, Debbie, go!" he said with a pained groan.

"Hiyaah!" Debbie shouted as she blocked Claire's right arm with her own before pushing the robot back. "Take this!" she shouted as she delivered a series of kicks to Claire's torso region, sending the death-bot staggering back.

* * *

 

"So, how long will it take to filter the stupidity from the water supply?" Jane asked Sparks. "How should I know? I just know that my stash of bottled water will finally come in handy," he replied.

"Holy crap," Daria said as she saw Debbie fighting Claire on a monitor. The dueling woman and machine were nearing a Grizzlebee's restaurant entrance. "Woah!" Brittany said as she looked at the monitor. "White Debbie kicks ass!" Kevin said.

 

* * *

 

Debbie coughed as Claire pushed her back with a fist. Debbie quickly ducked and rolled over as Claire swiped at her with her other arm. Debbie swung out her leg as she spun on the floor, knocking Claire over.

Debbie quickly got up and looked at Claire's underside for the off-switch. _There_ , she saw, right where a real shark's cloaca would be. _Damn men,_ Debbie thought as she reached for the switch, only to leap out of the way when Claire's foot and arm came swinging at her. They knocked into each other as Debbie avoided the metallic limbs.

* * *

 

"Go Debbie!" Jane shouted as she pumped her fists in the air.

* * *

 

Debbie delivered a series of kicks to Claire's face, damaging its visual processing nodes.

Claire kicked back, sending Debbie crashing into a closet, revealing Janet Barch and Timothy O'Neil engaged in coitus. "Aah!" Barch screamed, although the exact cause was unknown.

Debbie leapt forward at Claire, grabbing an arm and ripping it off.

* * *

 

"All right!" Brittany shouted.

* * *

 

Debbie leaped forward one more time and ducked under Claire before shooting her arm forward into the switch. The lights lining Claire's body began to dim, and then it collapsed, on top of Debbie. "Um, could someone please get this thing off of me?" she called out.

"Sure," Janet Barch said in a state of euphoria. "We'll be right over."

* * *

 

Back on the bridge, a few days later...

"Well, I guess we all learned a valuable lesson," Dr. Quinn said. "Never ever leave dangerous machinery intact after it's proven to be unstable." "Amen," DeMartino said before everyone, except Daria and Sparks, started laughing.

Then Sealab exploded.

* * *

 

Ending Theme: GUNHED Theme, composed and conducted by Toshiyuki Honda from the music score for the movie GUNHED, which is owned by TOHO.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two characters in this story are references to Roentgen's superb Hallowed Halls of Fielding series.


	7. It Is... Bizarro!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sealab's crew is taken hostage when a group of strange beings enter the facility.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Daria looked over at Captain Murphy with scorn. Both of them were tied up in chairs on the bridge. "Why did you let them on board in the first place?" Daria asked him. "I, uh, well, at first they _seemed_ nice, but it turns out they're, uh..." Murphy replied. Then, another Murphy, with an eye-patch and a scar running down his face, leaned in. " _ **Bizarro!**_ " he said loudly.

* * *

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_  
_  
Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 1-07: It Is... **_Bizarro!_**

* * *

Date: Sunday, September 08, 2021

"So... um, could you, like, untie us, please?" Jane Lane asked the bizarre doppelgangers standing in front of her and the other members of the Sealab crew who had been unfortunate enough to be on the Bridge that day.

"No," Bizarro Murphy stated. "Now, once again, cretins, where is... the Destructo Beam?"

"We told you already; we don't have one of those!" Dr. Quinn said. Jane looked over at him and the others who were tied up, including Daria, Captain Murphy, Sparks, Marco, Commander DeMartino, Commander Li, Debbie Dupree, Stormy, Amy Barksdale (there were ten other women named Amy on the station), and Quinn Morgendorffer. There were also the same number of Bizarro's as well.

A dark blue-haired Daria stepped forward, with a green-lens thing over her left eye. "If you will not talk willingly... then I shall _force_ you to speak," Bizarro Daria said with normal emotion. It wasn't normal emotion for Daria, but the normal way of speaking for a normal person... with a hint of intimidation on their voice.

"Oh, just give them the damn beam," Murphy said to Quinn. "We _don't_ have one!" he said once more, becoming quite sick of the current situation. Bizarro Sparks, who was just a head and neck with cybernetic implants in a hovering glass jar with nutrients and a voice projector, flew over and looked at him.

"You know, he might be telling the truth," Bizarro Sparks said in a thoughtful tone as he turned to face Bizarro Daria. "Hmm, perhaps, but we must be absolutely certain before we let them go," Bizarro Daria said in slight agreement. Jane frowned.

"Listen, the Destructo Beam is the most powerful destructive weapon ever wrought by man!" Bizarro Murphy declared. "It has the destructive power to vaporize the entire Earth into... _vapor,_ " he finished, putting emphasis on the last word.

"Why would we blow up the Earth... where we are... right now?" Sparks asked them. Bizarro Murphy stepped forward. "Because it is... bizarro!" Bizarro Murphy stated, as though that somehow made perfect sense. "It's stupid," Sparks retorted.

"Bizarro!" Bizarro Murphy shouted again. "It's stupid!" Sparks shouted back, before Bizarro Murphy punched him in the face and pushed his chair over. "Jodene!" Amy exclaimed. Daria raised an eye brow slightly. "Ouch," Sparks muttered in pain. Bizarro Jane snickered at his pain.

"Let me go you cowards! Untie me! I'll take you all on myself!" Marco shouted. "You really think so?" Bizarro Jane asked him. Bizarro Jane had black and yellow striped hair, and a visor over her eyes, much like the one worn by Giordi from Stark Trek: The Next Generation. She also had a robotic left arm and hand.

Bizarro Marco and Bizarro DeMartino stepped forward. Bizarro Marco had a completely metallic mouth and lower jaw. Bizarro DeMartino looked normal, except for his purple hair, until he opened his mouth, revealing a set of razor sharp metal dentures. "I JUST wanna have FU~UN!" he sang.

"Oh god, is he going to _annoy us_ to death with his singing?" Quinn Morgendorffer asked, forgetting about the razor-sharp dentures for a few seconds. "Be silent," Bizarro Daria said as she stepped over to look Quinn in the face. Quinn gulped as Bizarro Daria smiled a large, toothy smile, one that seemed almost unnatural.*

" _That_ is why I don't show my teeth while smiling," Daria commented. "Hey, we are _trying_ to _intimidate you!_ " Bizarro Marco shouted as he took a magic-8 ball out of his pocket. "Um, what do you plan to do with that?" Jane asked him. Bizarro Marco held the ball up to his mouth... and took a bite out of it. He chewed before swallowing.

"What-what's that supposed to mean?" Marco asked, trying not to let his fear show. "Are you freaking out?" Bizarro Marco asked him. "N-No, I'm just pissed off!" Marco retorted angrily. "So, you see now how hopelessly outclassed you are?" Bizarro Murphy asked them. "Hey, I don't really see a Bizarro version of Dr. Quinn here, or one of me," Amy Barksdale said.

"Oh, they're here. We just have Bizarro Amy bringing Bizarro Quinn here with the proper transportation," Bizarro Quinn Morgendorffer said. She voice was much lower in pitch than regular Quinn Morgendorffer, and she had jet black hair, which was arranged as a Mohawk. She had a green lens over her right eye as well.

"I am Bizarro Stormy," said Bizarro Stormy. "I'm regular Stormy," said Stormy. Ice cubes fell out of Bizarro Stormy's mouth every time he spoke. He also had light blue hair. "Now, once again, give us... the Destructo Beam!" Bizarro Murphy demanded. "We already told you; we don't have one of those!" Quentin shouted.

"Just give them the damn beam!" Murphy said. "I just told them and everyone else that we don't have one! How is that so difficult to understand!?" Quentin screamed in frustration. "Hmm," said Bizarro Daria. "My Intelligence Scanner shows that he has an intelligence level of almost nine thousand. He may be smart enough... to _lie_ to us!"

"My Intelligence Scanner shows that the one called DeMartino has an intelligence level of seven thousand and five hundred," Bizarro Female Quinn said. Bizarro Amy finally entered the bridge, pushing a large egg in a small wagon. "Bizarro Mother!" Bizarro Daria exclaimed happily. "Bizarro Aunt!" Bizarro Quinn shouted. Another Bizarro appeared behind Bizarro Amy.

Daria's eyes widened in recognition of the face. It was a face that she'd hoped to never see again after leaving Highland. "Bizarro Brother!" Bizarro Daria said to Bizarro Butthead, causing Daria's brain to temporarily shut down to protect itself. "Hey," Bizarro Butthead said. Bizarro Butthead had the same dark blue hair as Bizarro Daria, and a red lens over one eye, along with a robotic right leg.

"Where is... Bizarro Beavis?" Bizarro Daria asked him slowly. "He was eaten by a shark on the way here. It was cool," Bizarro Butthead said. "You mean, _bizarro cool!_ " Bizarro Daria corrected him. Bizarro Jane chuckled.

"Did Bizarro Beavis have time to transform into Bizarro-holio?" Bizarro Jane asked Bizarro Butthead. "Yes, but that did not save him," Bizarro Butthead replied. "Bizarro Butthead, that sounded awesome," Bizarro Jane said as she snickered. Other people's pain brought her delight.

Quinn looked over at her sister and saw the look of disbelief and terror on her face. She understood, though. A universe where Butthead was their sibling; it was almost too much to bear. "And, for the record... the name is Buttholomew," Bizarro Buttholomew said, his voice sounding that same as regular Butthead, but which the usage of more intelligent words and concepts.

"Perhaps, if they do not wish to talk, we should use some form of persuasion," Bizarro Buttholomew suggested as he scratched his chin contemplatively. "Oh, dear god, this one knows how to think!" Daria spat out in mix of amazement and fear. "Um, could you, like, shut up," Bizarro Buttholomew said. While his intelligence was higher than regular Butthead, his manners were about the same.

"Who here knows the whereabouts of the Destructo Beam?" Buttholomew asked. "We _do not_ _ **have one of those!**_ " Quentin shouted. "I shall go retrieve the proper information-extraction equipment," Buttholomew said before he left the room. "I do hope that these subjects will be kept intact before I return," he said as he exited the room.

"No promises," Bizarro Jane said with a wicked smile as the door closed. She snickered again as she retrieved a marker from her pocket and began drawing on the walls.

"He-he used words with more than two syllables..." Daria said quietly. "He truly is a Bizarro," she heard her sister say quietly as well. "Um, does anyone want to help me up?" Sparks asked from the floor. Commander DeMartino looked down at him.

"Eh, you're probably better off down there anyway," DeMartino told him. "They might forget about you if they don't notice you," he added. "You should give us the Destructo Beam now, before he returns," Bizarro Li said. "Alright, alright, we'll give you the damn beam!" Murphy said. "Good idea," Quentin whispered. "You distract them while I think of a plan."

"You will think of _nothing_ ," Bizarro Murphy called out as he watched the giant egg wobble, "Once your mind is blown by the razor-sharp intellect of... _Bizarro Quinn!_ "

"I thought I was Bizarro Quinn?" Bizarro Quinn asked. "I am Bizarro Stormy," said Bizarro Stormy. "I'm regular Stormy," said Stormy. "Shut up, idiots," Bizarro Debbie said to them. "I am Bizarro Idiot," said Bizarro Stormy. "I'm regular idiot... wait a minute," said Stormy. "This is a complete _failure_ of security protocol," Commander Li whispered to herself as she observed the proceedings from her chair.

Quentin looked at the egg. "Wait, so my guy's an egg?" he asked, before the egg hatched and an abomination sprang forth. "How is that gonna-oh sweet god!" Quentin exclaimed.

Bizarro Quentin had a somewhat pear-shaped body, with flippers for feet, and hands that seemed more like deformed flippers than anything else. He had a beak for a mouth, his skin was white, and his afro was orange. Somehow, he was born with a full Bizarro Sealab uniform already on his person, though.

"Bizarro!" Bizarro Quentin exclaimed happily. "Holy crap!" Stormy said. "Keep THAT THING away FROM ME!" DeMartino exclaimed. Bizarro Quentin continued saying "Bizarro!" as he hopped around the room. "Please let this just be a nightmare," Quinn whispered to herself as she watched the deformed creature hop around the room.

"Now," Bizarro Murphy demanded, "Where are the diamonds?" Everyone looked at him blankly, except Bizarro Quentin. Even Bizarro Daria was scratching her chin in confusion at Bizarro Murphy's request. "Um... diamonds? I thought you wanted a laser beam," Commander Li said.

"Now, we want _both_ ," Bizarro Murphy said. "And to show you just how serious we are..." Bizarro Murphy turned his head to look at Bizarro Stormy. "Bizarro Stormy?"

"I am Bizarro Stormy," said Bizarro Stormy. "I'm regular Stormy," said Stormy. "Show them just how serious we are," Bizarro Murphy said as he handed Bizarro Stormy a laser gun. Bizarro Stormy aimed it at himself and pulled the trigger, blowing up his head.

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Amy. Bizarro Stormy continued standing up, despite the loss of his head. "Jesus!" exclaimed Debbie. "What the hell!?" cried Marco. "Holy _crap!_ " Murphy exclaimed. "Why is this happening!?" begged Quinn. "Now, do you see how serious we are?" Bizarro Amy asked them. Bizarro Jane looked over at Bizarro Stormy and began laughing.

Daria closed her eyes and took deep breaths to calm herself. Beside her, Dr. Quinn just shook his head in disbelief at what had happened. "This is insanity," he muttered. "No, this is _Hell_ ," Daria corrected him. "Well, either that or Purgatory, I haven't decided which just yet," she added. "What did I miss?" Sparks asked from the floor.

"Bizarro Stormy killed himself by accident," Daria explained. "Somehow, I'm really not surprised," Sparks responded. "Shut up, you," Bizarro Daria said as she walked over and kicked Sparks. "Ow!" he yelped as she kicked him repeatedly. Bizarro Jane could be heard laughing again.

Bizarro Quentin hopped over to the tied up crew and jumped onto Captain Murphy's lap, flapping his arms. "Bizarro!" he cried happily. "Okay," Murphy said, taking everything in stride.

"And there's plenty more where that came from!" Bizarro Murphy said proudly. "I bet there is," Daria said flatly. Bizarro Daria walked over and slapped Daria. "Be quiet! Your insolence will only be tolerated for so long," she said with narrowed eyes and a dangerous tone in her voice.

"Now, who's feeling... talky?" Bizarro Murphy asked the crew. "Somebody give him the damn laser... diamond... beam thing," Murphy said. "We don't have-" Quentin said, pausing as Bizarro Quentin started hopping and squawking on Murphy's lap, "A laser beam!" Bizarro Debbie walked up behind him.

"My breasts are sensing that this one knows something," she said with a mischievous smile. "I already concluded that he was the smartest of the bunch earlier," Bizarro Daria said to her. "Yes, but you have not interrogated him properly in order to determine the full contents of his knowledge!" Bizarro Debbie pointed out. "Hmm, that is true..." Bizarro Daria said in a tone that was a mix between embarrassed and contemplative.

Bizarro Sparks flew over to Dr. Quinn and Bizarro Debbie. "Let's cut his entire body off!" Bizarro Sparks suggested. "That's _stupid_ ," Bizarro Quinn said. "I think you mean bizarro stupid," Bizarro Amy said.

"I will interrogate him... with my breasts!" Bizarro Debbie said as she grabbed Quentin's chair and dragged him away from the others over to a closet. "Yes, Bizarro Debbie! Take him away for interrogation, _Bizarro style!_ " Bizarro Murphy said.

"You get your hands off him, you bitch!" Debbie shouted. "Don't talk, Quinn!" Marco shouted at him. "I don't know anything!" he said as the door slid shut. "Why does no one listen to reason around here?" Commander DeMartino asked himself quietly.

"If you would JUST TALK, then WE could LEAVE ALREADY!" Bizarro DeMartino told him. "But we DON'T KNOW anything! We don't HAVE ANY LASERS or DIAMONDS!" DeMartino exclaimed.

"If you will not talk willingly, then perhaps his screams of torture will convince you otherwise," Bizarro Li said with a maniacal grin. "We're doomed," Quinn wept.

"They'd better not smudge the drawings I made on those walls," Bizarro Jane said with a frown. "I'd hate to have to redraw them."

"What are you gonna' do to him!?" Debbie asked them. "Don't you worry about tha-hey!" Bizarro Sparks said as Bizarro Quentin grabbed him. "Let go of me! Be careful with my head jar you ass!" Bizarro Sparks exclaimed.

"It is bizarro!" Bizarro Murphy declared as he watched Bizarro Quentin drop Bizarro Sparks onto the floor, smashing open his jar. "We're friends!" Bizarro Quentin declared as he flapped his hands in the air.

"Aack! I can't... bizarro breathe! I-I can't..." Bizarro Sparks rasped out. Bizarro Quentin started jumping on Bizarro Sparks' head. "Bizarro! Bizarro!" he shouted. "Help, help!" Bizarro Sparks tried to scream. Bizarro Jane began to snicker as she watched.

Commander DeMartino leaned over to Captain Murphy. "Come on," he whispered, "Now is our chance to escape." "Uuh, I'm too freaked out," Murphy said uneasily.

Bizarro Murphy walked over to him. "Don't you mean... bizarroed?" he asked Captain Murphy before he started laughing. Captain Murphy soon joined him. "Aha-ha-ha-ha!" he laughed with his bizarro counterpart. Marco, DeMartino and Daria all watched their captain with frowns of disappointment and trepidation on their faces.

Meanwhile, Bizarro Quentin had grabbed a box of salt and had begun pouring it onto Bizarro Sparks's head. "Bizarro! Bizarro! I'm helping! I'm helping! I'm helping you!" Bizarro Quentin said as Bizarro Sparks finally died after being covered with salt.

Just then, Bizarro Buttholomew returned with some torture devices in his hands. "What has become of Bizarro Sparks?" he asked. "Bizarro Quentin over there killed him," Amy said tiredly. This whole situation was getting to her.

"Hmm, I always thought that he would be... where is Bizarro Stormy?" Buttholomew asked as he looked around. "He's right over there," Stormy said. Buttholomew turned around to see the headless Bizarro Stormy sitting in a chair with a magazine open in his hands. "Cool," Bizarro Buttholomew said.

"This is an episode of Sick Sad World gone horribly, _horribly_ wrong," Daria muttered to herself. Soon, the sounds of Bizarro Debbie's interrogation of Dr. Quinn in the closet began. " _Aaah! Aaah!_ "

"Dr. Quinn's bizarro torture begins!" Bizarro Murphy stated. "You _animals!_ What are you doing to him!?" Debbie cried. " _Aaauooh yeah baby!_ " " _Yes! Yes!_ " " _Oh yeah!_ "

"That _bitch!_ " Debbie hissed when realization dawned on her. "Good lord, she's killing him!" Murphy exclaimed, mistaking Quentin's moans and shouts for those of pain and agony. "That's one way of saying it," Daria commented flatly. It was usually times like these that her sarcastic attitude helped keep her from falling over the edge into madness.

" _Yes! More, more! Bizarro more! Bizaaarrroooo!_ " Bizarro Debbie cried. " _Yeah baby! Take it! The doctor... is in... the house!_ " Quentin yelled. "That _bastard!_ " Debbie growled. Quinn felt sorry for her... and disgusted by the sounds.

"This is worse than when I walked in on Mom and Dad back when I was in middle school," Quinn muttered. "At least then I could run away." Daria heard her sister and nodded her head in silent agreement.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I would rather be in the company of Brittany and Kevin right now," Commander DeMartino said, causing Daria to look at him in shock.

"You were right, Morgendorffer. We're in Hell," he said somberly. "It could be worse," Jane commented. "How?" DeMartino asked her. "Well, we could have bizarro versions of Kevin and Brittany in here with us," she said. "That WOULD be worse," DeMartino said in acknowledgement.

"Hmm," said Bizarro Amy as the shouts from the closet continued. "I do not hear any words that relate to the Destructo Beam. I shall join the interrogation to add extra incentive for him to talk," she stated as she walked over and entered the closet, closing the door quickly behind her.

"Whoa! Dr. Quinn has displayed an impressive ability to score with two targets at once, despite clearly not using any direct methods of pursuing them," Bizarro Buttholomew said in awe. "I shall learn his secret, after the interrogation, and apply this knowledge after returning home," he said.

" _Round two begins now!_ " Bizarro Amy shouted. " _Hell yeah it does!_ " Quentin shouted in agreement. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to skin him alive," Debbie growled under her breath.

Bizarro Quentin hopped over onto Debbie's lap. "Bizarro! Bizarro!" he squawked happily as he looked at Debbie's face. "You want make him jealous? Get delicious bizarro revenge okay? Mmm!" Bizarro Quentin asked. "Eew! Get off me you freak!" Debbie spat at him.

" _Yes! Bizarro more! More, Bizarro Debbie, more!_ " Bizarro Amy shouted. " _Don't bizarro stop!_ " " _At the same time! Right between our [bleep]!_ " Jane blanched as the shouts grew louder. " _Cover our bizarro hedges with some [bleep]!_ "

"I will _never_ be able to say those words to Tom again," Jane said sadly. Daria looked at her. "Sloane? You're going out with him?" "Well, it's more like a friends with benefits deal, but... yeah," Jane replied. "And you've... used those words with him?" Daria asked her. "A few times," Jane admitted.

"Girls, I _really_ don't need to hear the two of you talk about this within earshot of me," DeMartino said with a frown on his face. "No, _please_ , continue," Bizarro Buttholomew implored them. Both girls kept quiet after hearing his request. "Dammit," he muttered as he walked away from them.

"Revenge? Bizarro revenge? Yes, delicious!" Bizarro Quentin kept asking Debbie. "Get off of me, you disgusting little monster!" Debbie snapped at him. "Yeah! Likey, likey, likey, likey, likey!" Bizarro Quentin said. "No! Nonononono!" Debbie exclaimed repeatedly. "Just leave her alone!" Quinn shouted at Bizarro Quentin. "Mmm, me like two! Twice revenge? Twice bizarro revenge?" Bizarro Quentin suggested.

"Oh god no!" Quinn exclaimed. "Hell no! _Fuck no, you little creep!_ " she kept shouting at him. "I'd rather kiss Upchuck than do _anything_ with you!" Quinn shouted at Bizarro Quentin. "I can't believe I actually said that," she whispered to herself in shock and revulsion.

"That's it; resist his charms," Captain Murphy encouraged Quinn and Debbie as Bizarro Quentin bounced up and down on Debbie's lap. "Bizarro! Bizarro!" he exclaimed. "Why can't I wake up from this nightmare?" Quinn asked herself.

" _Yes, yes! Bizarro yes!_ " Bizarro Amy and Bizarro Debbie both shouted. "Hey, hey, I know some stuff," Stormy said. "Interrogate me!" "Very well," Bizarro Marco said as he and Bizarro DeMartino walked over to him.

"Uh, I meant one of the females," Stormy said quietly. "Ow, watch my face!" Sparks cried out from the floor as Marco walked behind the chairs. He put his arm around Stormy's neck. "Who WANTS TO HAVE some FUN!?" Bizarro DeMartino asked him gleefully before cackling.

Bizarro Marco began to slowly twist Stormy's head. "Ow, ow, _**ooww!**_ " he cried in pain. "DELIGHTFUL, is it NOT?" Bizarro DeMartino asked Stormy. "Aah! It hurts, man!" he cried as Bizarro Marco slowly twisted his head further. "Bizarro, Bizarro!" Bizarro Marco said. Bizarro Jane pointed and laughed at his pain.

"Bizarro!" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed. "Ladies and gentlemen, God is dead, and Satan has abandoned us," Amy said. "We are on our own." "Bizarro!" "Aah, help!" "Bizarro!" " _Yes! Bizarro yes!_ " "Hahahaha!" "Bizarro revenge?" "Bizarro!"

Captain Murphy leaned over to Commander DeMartino. "I hate the Bizarro's," he whispered to him. Marco and DeMartino both nodded in agreement. Bizarro Murphy leaned forward at them. "Don't you mean, you hate **The Bizarro's!?** " he asked him.

"Bizarro revenge? Likey, likey!" Bizarro Quentin said before Debbie headbutted him, causing him to fall to the floor and onto his back. "Bizarro! Bizarro! Bizarro!" he said repeatedly as he squirmed and struggled to get up.

"Hey, he's like a little turtle!" Captain Murphy said with a giggle. "Don't you mean a bizarro turtle?" Bizarro Murphy asked him. "Eh, sure," Murphy replied. "That's it! I've had it with this!" Marco exclaimed. "You people are _idiots!_ "

"Bizarro! Bizarro!" Bizarro Quentin cried from the floor. "Welcome to my world," Sparks said from his spot on the floor. "You people are the dumbest villains I have ever seen!" Marco spat. Bizarro Daria's eyes narrowed at him.

"We don't have any lasers! And we don't have any diamonds!" Marco exclaimed angrily as he glared at the Bizarro's around him, right before Bizarro Daria walked up and punched him in the face. "Yeah, and the only thing that you people are good at is yelling "Bizarro!" at the slightest provocation! I don't know _how_ you morons even managed to get in here in the first place!" Commander Li yelled.

Bizarro Angela Li produced at laser pistol from inside her suit and fired at Angela Li, blowing off her head. "That will be enough out of you," Bizarro Li said before she holstered her gun. She accidentally kept her finger on the trigger, and when she tried to pull her hand out, she fired at herself by accident, cutting her leg off.

"It's just a flesh wound," she muttered as she lay on the floor. Bizarro Jane walked over and started drawing on Bizarro Li's severed leg before moving on to drawing on Bizarro Li's face. She chuckled as she went about her work.

" _Bizarro! Bizarro! Bizaaarrrooooooo!_ " Bizarro Amy and Bizarro Debbie both shouted together. "And you two are _whores!_ " Debbie spat. " _We know! Oh, we knooww!_ " Bizarro Debbie shouted in ecstasy. " _Yes, yes, yes! Oh, yes! One more, one more time, yes! YES! Aaaaaaaahhhhh!_ " Bizarro Amy shouted alongside Bizarro Debbie one last time before closet became quiet.

"Bizarro! Bizarro! Bizarro!" Bizarro Quentin squawked happily as he finally got off his back and hopped onto Captain Murphy's lap. "Aw, this little guy!" Murphy said with a smile on his face. "Bizarro! Bizarro!" "You know, if I had a peanut, I'd give it to ya'," Murphy said to Bizarro Quentin.

"Bizarro, I love you! Bizarro, I love you!" Bizarro Quentin squawked happily. "Hey, who's got a peanut for Turtle Face?" Murphy asked. "Don't, he's alergic!" Bizarro Murphy stated in a tone of warning.

"They'll kill me!" Bizarro Quentin squawked. "I think _I_ have some peanuts in my pockets," Quinn said. "Bizarro!" Bizarro Quentin squawked.

Soon, the closet door opened and Bizarro Amy and Bizarro Debbie slowly walked out on unsteady legs, each one standing on one side of Dr. Quinn, who was wearing a dark red bath robe and had a pipe in his mouth.

"We tried everything, but we could not get him to talk," Bizarro Debbie said breathlessly, clearly exhausted. "Yes, we tried every method we could think of," Bizarro Amy said, equally exhausted. "At least they've stopped," Jane said quietly.

"Way to go, Quinn," Murphy said. "Huh?" Quinn asked. "Not you; the doctor," Marco said. "Oh," Quinn said in realization.

"Did you try [bleep]ing him in the [bleep]?" Bizarro Murphy asked them. "Yes," Bizarro Debbie replied. "Twice," Quentin added, holding up two fingers. "We both did," Bizarro Amy added with a smile. Quinn, Jane, and Daria all looked pale as they listened.

"Hmm, that usually works," Bizarro Murphy said contemplatively.

"Way to go, Quinn," Murphy said again. "I did-(yawn)-I did what I could," Quentin said tiredly. "You're a bastard!" Debbie said angrily.

"Enough!" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed. "It is now clear to me that this calls for stronger methods of... _persuasion!_ " "I have already retrieved the necessary tools," Buttholomew said proudly. "Good! We can save time," Bizarro Murphy said.

"Um, don't you mean _bizarro_ persuasion?" Marco asked him. "Yeah," Amy chimed in, "Make it really bizaarrooo!" DeMartino just shook his head as he tried to ignore the madness around him.

"Silence!" Bizarro Daria demanded in an icy tone. "Yes, silence!" Bizarro Murphy chimed in. "We shall now ply your minds with... Bizarro Vision!" Bizarro Murphy declared as Buttholomew inserted a flash drive into one of the computer consoles.

"Behold and be helpless against it!" Bizarro Quinn exclaimed. "Wait, there was something I wanted to do," Buttholomew said to himself. "What was it?" "Buttholomew, is it ready?" Bizarro Daria asked him. "Huh? Oh, yeah, it's ready," he replied, propping up a screen for the projector to use.

"I hate them all except Turtle Face," Captain Murphy said. "Bizarro, I love you! Bizarro, I love you!" Bizarro Quentin chirped happily. "Shh," Murphy said after the lights in the room dimmed. "The movie's about to start," he added.

An unending hypnotic cycle of blue and green and black rings were shown, increasing in size as they grew and moved out towards the edge of the screen. " **Bizarro. Bizarro. Bizarro. Bizarro. Bizarro,** " the voice of the video said continuously.

"This movie sucks," Murphy whispered. "Hey, Captain, look," Marco said. All of the Bizarro's had fallen into a trance. "Bizarro," they each said in tune with the voice.

Daria looked over at Dr. Quinn, and then back at the Bizarro's, and then back to Dr. Quinn. "Dr. Quinn," she whispered. Quentin moved his hands in front of Bizarro Amy and Bizarro Debbie's faces, noticing that they were completely hypnotized by the video.

He smirked and flipped on the light switch, ending the video. "Dammit, untie us first!" Daria snapped at him. He ignored her. "Okay, listen up! Bizarro people. Party's over. You gotta go," Quentin said. The Bizarro's all began filing into the closet door from which the originally emerged.

"What's going on?" Quinn asked. "Bizarro Vision," Quentin replied as he watched the Bizarro's enter the closet. "They're hypnotized, kid." "Yeah, well, you're a bastard," Debbie said to him.

"Come on, untie us," Daria begged him as the Bizarro's entered the closet. Quentin began untying Daria's ropes as Bizarro Daria entered the closet and closed the doors. He had just finished when the closet door opened again, revealing the Bizarro's staring out at them.

"Hey," Murphy said, "They're still hypnotized! Turtle Face, you're a chicken!" Bizarro Quentin began hopping up and down saying, "Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok! I laid eggs for you! Bok, bok-bok, bok!" Murphy laughed at him. "All right, get out," he said as the closet door slid shut again.

Daria began untying Sparks while Quentin began untying Jane, just as the door slid open again. "Greetings, fools! Give us the Destructo Beam or suffer the bizarro consequences!" Bizarro Murphy demanded.

"Um, we already gave it to you," Daria said flatly. "Really?" Bizarro Daria asked. "Yes, you stupid bitch," Daria replied flatly again. "Oh. Okay," Bizarro Daria replied. "Yeah," Quentin added, "It's, uh, it's in your truck."

"To the truck!" Bizarro Murphy said as the door closed, slamming on Bizarro Daria's face. "Ouch!" she cried before the door slid back to let her retreat. The door stayed closed for a few seconds before opening again.

"Bok, bok, bok-bok!" Bizarro Quentin bokked after several seconds of silence. The door closed again.

"How long until-" Jane was interrupted as the door opened again.

"Seriously, how do we get out of here!?" Bizarro Murphy demanded. Everyone began shouting at the Bizarro's. "Press Two! The button that says two; press it!" Quentin snapped at them. "Thank you," Bizarro Murphy said as he pressed the button and the door closed.

* * *

 

Later, after everyone had been untied and had stretched their limbs...

"Man," said Marco, "I'm glad that's over!"

"Those guys were complete idiots," Jane said. "Well, except for your counterpart."

"Don't remind me," Daria said as she put an ice-pack on her cheek.

"You're still a bastard," Debbie said to Quentin.

Daria and Jane heard snickering and turned around to look at Captain Murphy near a window. "He-ha!" he laughed.

"What's so funny, Captain?" Amy asked him.

"When they were hypnotized! Ha, I-I slipped Turtle Face... a bag of peanuts! Ha-ha!"

Quinn smirked as she listened to Murphy laughing.

* * *

 

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *See Daria's smile in the Daria pilot episode.


	8. Somewhere Slow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daria and Amy find themselves trapped in a malfunctioning service elevator.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC

Note: After the sheer insanity of the previous episode, I've decided to go for a somewhat more grounded approach in this one. I hope that people still find it entertaining, though.

* * *

 

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 1-08: Somewhere Slow

* * *

Date: Friday, September 20th, 2021

Daria Morgendorffer and her aunt, Amy Barksdale, quietly made their way to Service Lift 14-AC. "So... how are things with your friend, Jane?" Amy asked Daria as the lift began to ascend. "Things are... fine," Daria said simply.

"Nothing...new? Nothing rocking the boat?" Amy asked her. Since Helen and Jake were both on land, thanks to those incompetent screw-ups at the transfer department, she had been Daria and Quinn's legal guardian since the beginning of July when most of Lawndale's population had arrived at Sealab, following the completion of Pods 11 through 36.

"Mmm, not really," Daria replied. "Jane's been sort of... occupied lately," Daria said with the lightest hint of frustration. Jane was currently spending a lot of time with Tom Sloane, and for some reason that bothered her. She didn't have very many friends, and she was very selective about who she allowed to get close to her. Daria was very much like her aunt in that regard, although Amy was a little bit more... open and approachable than her niece. Of course, Amy was an adult, and had gained plenty of experience dealing with relationships when compared with her niece.

"You know, Daria, if you or Quinn ever... well, need to talk about something, anything really, whether it's trivial or important, you can talk to me. I'll listen so that you can get it out. I'll even keep my mouth shut until you're finished speaking," Amy said. "Will you try to give us advice?" Daria asked her. "Only if I think the chances of that advice helping you will significantly outweigh the chances of it making things worse," Amy replied with a smirk.

"Hmm, I'll hold you to that," Daria said in an accepting manner. The rest of the ride was met with relative silence, for the most part, but as they passed level 07 of Pod 14, there was a screeching sound as the lift came to a halt, causing both Daria and Amy to almost lose their momentum. "What the hell was that?" Amy asked rhetorically as she walked over to the lift's communication console. Amy punched in the code for the bridge after grabbing the phone.

The screen on the console was black until the words "connecting" appeared on it. After thirty seconds, the screen showed Commander Sparks' face. "This is the bridge. What's-oh, hey there, Amy," Sparks said with a smile.

"Sparks," Amy replied, in no mood for his usual banter. "So, what's happening?" Sparks asked her. "Daria and I are in Service Lift 14-AC, stuck on level 07 of Pod 14," Amy explained. "Which lift again?" Sparks asked her. "Lift 14-AC," Amy replied. "That lift is supposed to be closed off today for maintenance," Sparks said.

Daria's eyes widened at Sparks' words as she walked over to the console. "Weren't there signs and yellow tape blocking the entrance to it?" Sparks asked Amy. "No. There was nothing in front of it to indicate that it was having maintenance problems," Amy told him.

"I know I told Stormy to get some warning signs posted around it, especially at the doors," Sparks said. "I even made sure to use small words so that he could understand me." "Are you sure they were all small words?" Amy asked him. "Yeah. I tried to keep them as short as possible," Sparks replied.

"Okay let me patch a call through to Stormy. He should be in engineering with Marco right now. I'll see if I can get ahold of him and then, when he gets here, I'll punch him for you," Sparks said. "Leave a few spots for me to hit him in," Amy said. "I will. Do you want me to keep you on the line, or do you want me to call you back afterwards?" Sparks asked her. "Flip a coin," Amy said.

"Stay on the line it is," Sparks said before dialing the engineering section. " _Engineering, this is Marco._ " "Hey, Marco. Tell me, is Stormy there with you?" Sparks asked him. " _Yeah. Do you need him for something?_ " Marco asked.

"Well, I _did_ need him to do something really important earlier today, but apparently he didn't do it. It involves Service Lift 14-AC," Sparks explained. " _Okay, just give me a minute to get him. Hey, Stormy! Get your caboose over here!_ " Marco yelled.

" _Hey, Sparks, what's up?_ " Stormy asked him. "Stormy, do you remember that thing I had you do earlier today?" Sparks asked. " _Do you mean spray-painting Captain Murphy's hair while he's asleep?_ " Stormy asked. "No, not that," Sparks replied.

" _Cause I did remember to do that,_ " Stormy said. "Good, at least you remembered to do one thing today. But, what about the _other_ thing I asked you to do?" Sparks asked him. " _Uh, what other thing?_ " Stormy asked him. "Service Lift 14-AC? I asked you to make sure that it was marked for maintenance. Did you put signs on it or around it like I had asked?" Sparks clarified.

" _Sure!_ " Stormy replied. "Really?" Sparks asked. "Hey, Amy, were there any signs posted around the entrance for the lift saying that it was scheduled for maintenance? Any yellow tape or boards or anything?" Sparks asked her. "None that we could see," Amy replied. "Hmm, okay," Sparks said with suspicion in his voice. "Um, Stormy...where exactly did you post the warning signs?" Sparks asked him.

" _On the door,_ " Stormy replied. "The inner door or the outer door?" Sparks asked for clarification. " _Both,_ " Stormy said. "Uh-huh, right. And, hold on, Amy, did you see any signs on the doors?" Sparks asked her. "No. The doors were open when we entered," she replied.

"They were open?" Sparks asked her. "Yes," she replied. "Dammit, Stormy!" Sparks growled. "Why did you leave the doors open!?" he asked him. " _So that the maintenance workers could get inside easily when it came time for the work,_ " Stormy said. "So then why didn't you post any signs on the walls or put up any barricades to prevent non-maintenance personnel from getting inside?" Sparks asked him, frustrated.

" _I'd used up all the signs on the doors, and no one wanted to help me out,_ " Stormy replied. "No one wanted to help? Did you ask for help?" Sparks asked him. " _Uh, I asked this one guy in the hall-way, but he was busy fixing a broken light or something,_ " Stormy said. Sparks growled in frustration.

"Amy, would you like me to have Marco kick Stormy's ass for you?" Sparks asked. "Um, make sure that he leaves a few spots for me to bruise," Amy replied. "Sure thing," Sparks said. "Stormy, put Marco back on," Sparks requested. " _Hey, Sparks, what's going on now?_ " Marco asked. "Marco, will you please kick Stormy's ass for me? Well, not for me, but for Amy?" Sparks asked.

" _Which Amy? There are, like, eleven women named Amy in the old half of Sealab alone,_ " Marco replied. "Amy Barksdale," Sparks clarified. " _Oh, the small-stuff maintenance freelancer! Sure, I like her attitude,_ " Marco replied. "Freelancer? I thought-never mind, anyway, will you do it, before sending Stormy my way so that I can berate him in person?" Sparks asked. " _Sure, sure, but I need his help for about another ten minutes to get some things done down here,_ " Marco said.

" _By the way, why_ _ **do**_ _you want his ass kicked?_ " Marco asked. "I asked him to mark a service lift for maintenance earlier today and he did it wrong, so now we have people trapped inside of it, including Amy," Sparks explained. " _Ah. Okay, just give me about twenty minutes, and then he's in pain city,_ " Marco said.

"That's fine, just make sure you send him my way when you're finished. Sparks out," Sparks said before ending that call. "Well," Amy said, "I guess you could use some help up there." "Yeah, Daria's usually on the other console during this shift, but she's-oh, right, she's stuck on the lift with you," Sparks said.

"Well, I'm going to wait for Stormy to show up after about twenty minutes, and then I'll call you back. Now, there should be some ration containers hidden behind some panels in that lift. All of the lifts have them, along with some other emergency supplies in case of, well, emergencies. Those storage spaces are why the lifts look smaller on the inside than they do on the outside," Sparks said.

"Okay, thanks for the help," Amy said, "Bye." "Bye."

Amy placed the phone back on its holder and walked away from the communications console. She sat down next to Daria and leaned against the wall of the lift. "Do you have any music players? Anything we can entertain ourselves with until we're out of here?" Amy asked her niece.

"Isn't that what the younger person is supposed to ask?" Daria replied. "Usually, but you seem to be better prepared since you still have your backpack and school supplies with you. I only have my tool box, and I don't have anything that can get us out of _here_ ," Amy said.

"Well, unless you find solving algebra problems to be thrilling excitement, we may find ourselves bored for a while," Daria said in response. "So... you have homework?" Amy asked her. "Mmhm," Daria replied. "Any... subjects that you would like some help with?" Amy asked. "Um, not really. I'm actually not doing _too_ badly for the most part," Daria replied.

"Although... I, um, do appreciate your offer," Daria added. "Homework sucks, doesn't?" Amy asked her. "It depends on the subject, although with working on the bridge, homework kind of gives me something to occupy my time when there's no communication traffic," Daria said.

"Communications... you work with Jodene, right?" Amy asked her. "Who?" Daria replied. "Sparks," Amy said. Daria raised an eyebrow questioningly. "That's his first name," Amy explained. "And you know this... how?" Daria asked her suspiciously. She'd listened to them talking earlier.

"Oh, small talk here and there. Mostly when I'm on the bridge fixing things or when I need him to direct some maintenance staff over to something I need help with," Amy explained. Daria remained silent. "So... you work with him on the bridge, right?" Amy asked her. "Yes," Daria replied.

"We mostly keep to ourselves," Daria said. "We talk once in a while. Like you said, small talk here and there." They were both silent for a while. "So, the floor is pretty flat. Want to... work on some homework while we're in here?" Amy suggested. "Mm, I guess a little bit wouldn't hurt," Daria said as she retrieved her supplies from her backpack.

* * *

 

"And that's why you should never mix those two chemicals together," Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn said to Tom Sloane as they walked through a corridor. "Um, okay, but that doesn't answer the question I asked you," Tom replied.

"I asked which dish soap works the best on stains, not which two you shouldn't mix," Tom clarified. "Oh. I guess I got a little carried away there," Dr. Quinn said. "Hey, that's the service lift, isn't it?" Tom asked as he saw the doors.

"Yeah, but isn't it supposed to be shut down for maintenance today?" Dr. Quinn asked rhetorically. "Maybe they got it fixed," Tom said. "No, the orange lights are blinking. It's having mechanical problems," Dr. Quinn said.

"Then shouldn't there be signs and warnings posted around each level's access doors for the lift?" Tom asked. "There should be," Dr. Quinn said, "But I don't see any. We'd better contact the bridge and tell them."

* * *

 

"You put every single warning sign on those doors?" Sparks asked in disbelief. "Well, you said to put them where people could see them, and the doors are normally closed, so people will see them," Stormy replied.

"Yes, but it kind of helps when you put those signs on the outer doors for each level, and the walls next to them. What about the yellow tape and small barricades? Why didn't you put those up anywhere?" Sparks replied.

"I didn't want the maintenance team to have trouble getting to the lift," Stormy said in an oblivious manner. "Stormy, do you even _have_ a brain in that head?" Sparks asked him condescendingly. "I think so. Maybe we could ask Dr. Quinn to check," Stormy replied with complete sincerity.

"Maybe we should," Sparks replied as Captain Murphy walked into the bridge. Sparks saw the bright green hair on his head and had to struggle to not chuckle. "Hey Captain," Stormy said. "Hey, Stormy. You know, everyone's been looking at me funny today. Not only that , but I think the lighting in my quarters may need to be fixed," Murphy said.

"Really? Why's that?" Sparks asked him. "When I looked in the mirror, my hair was green," Murphy said. "But I think your green hair looks cool!" Stormy said. "You mean my hair really is green?" Murphy asked him. "Sure! Do you think that's related to people looking at you funny, though?" Stormy asked.

"I don't know. It could be," Murphy said. Sparks was about to add his two cents when Dr. Quinn's face appeared on one of his monitors. "Dr. Quinn, what can I do for you?" Sparks asked him. " _Hey, Sparks, isn't Service Lift 14-AC scheduled for maintenance today?_ " he asked.

"It is, but Stormy put all of the warning signs on the inner doors of the lift itself instead of the outer doors for each level," Sparks replied. " _Why would you entrust_ _ **Stormy**_ _with that kind of responsibility?_ " Dr. Quinn asked him incredulously. "I thought it was simple enough for him to handle," Sparks replied.

" _Well, the lights for the level 07 doors are blinking orange, so someone must've tried to use it,_ " Dr. Quinn said. "Yeah, well, they're still in there," Sparks said. " _Oh, man. Do you know who they are?_ " Dr. Quinn asked. "Yeah, Amy Barksdale and Daria Morgendorffer," Sparks replied.

" _How long have they been in there?_ " Dr. Quinn asked. "Over twenty minutes or so. That reminds me, I need to call them back. Do you mind staying on the line?" Sparks asked him. " _I don't mind,_ " Dr. Quinn said.

"Hey, Amy, this is Sparks. Are you still awake?" Sparks asked. One of his monitors showed Amy's face as she picked up the phone on the lift's console. " _You ruined my nap,_ " she joked. "Okay, listen; Dr. Quinn is standing outside the doors of the lift. He's on the same level as you," Sparks said.

"Dr. Quinn, I want you to try opening the doors from the outside. Push a button or something. Just get the doors open long enough to get them out of there until a proper maintenance team can arrive. Hopefully it won't take too long," Sparks said.

" _Are you sure that's smart?_ " Dr. Quinn asked. "Come on, I'm just asking you to push the open button to see if it works," Sparks replied. " _Okay, I'll do it,_ " Dr. Quinn said as he hung up.

"Okay, Amy, Dr. Quinn is going to try to open the door from the outside. I need you to tell me if it works or not," Sparks said. " _You got it,_ " Amy replied.

* * *

 

"Okay, here we go," Dr. Quinn said as he walked over to the doors for the lift. "So, what do we do if the door doesn't open?" Tom asked him. "We call Sparks on the bridge and let him know," Dr. Quinn replied.

Dr. Quinn pressed the open button and held it for a few seconds. "Hmm, I guess it-" he was interrupted when the doors began to open. "All right!" Tom said. "Tom get over there and help them," Dr. Quinn ordered. "Sure," Tom said as he jogged over to the lift.

The doors had opened most of the way, so Tom was able to walk inside. "Hey... Daria, right?" Tom asked. "That is my most common designation," Daria replied. Tom smiled at her humor. "And you are... Amy, right?" Tom asked. "What gave it away?" she asked him. "Oh, just hearing your voice after your talked with Sparks. You sound less shrill in person," Tom replied.

"Hey, come on," Dr. Quinn said as he walked inside the lift. "Amy, you can call Sparks and let him know that we got the door open," Dr. Quinn said. Tom went over to help Daria collect her homework. "You missed a pen. Don't wanna leave it laying around," he said as he held one up.

"Thanks. I don't know how I would ever sleep at night knowing that one of my pens was lying cold and alone on the floor of this lift," Daria said in her usual manner. "Truly, you are a hero." "I do what I can," Tom replied, catching her tone.

"Hey, Sparks," Amy said over the phone, "The door's open." " _Good. I'll send Stormy and a maintenance team, along with Marco, to start getting that thing fixed properly,_ " Sparks said. Suddenly, Captain Murphy's face appeared on the screen.

" _Uh, hey, do you guys think my hair looks funny?_ " he asked nervously. "Um, no, Captain, not at all," Dr. Quinn lied. " _Okay. Well I'm gonna go show those jerks over in Pod Six not to mess with me. My hair... is_ _ **cool**_ _,_ " he said.

"I'm... sure it is, Captain. We need to go now, bye," Dr. Quinn said as Amy hung up the phone. Just then, a horn blared and the doors of the lift slammed shut. "What the hell!?" Dr. Quinn exclaimed. The lift began to move downward, stopping midway between level five and level four. "Not again," Amy grumbled.

Dr. Quinn walked over to the communications console and called up the bridge. "Sparks, this is Dr. Quinn. We're trapped in the lift," he said. " _Um, how? You guys had a good window to get out of there,_ " Sparks replied. "Well, we were just about to leave when a horn blared and the doors slammed shut," Dr. Quinn explained.

"We're stuck between levels Four and Five now," he said. " _Someone must have tried to call the lift,_ " Sparks said. "Okay, when are the warning signs going to be posted on the doors for each floor?" Dr. Quinn asked agitated.

" _Stormy's on his way over to meet up with Marco right now,_ " Sparks said. "How long will it take for them to get us out of here?" Dr. Quinn asked. " _Hopefully not too long, but the lift has to be aligned with a proper floor level before it can be opened_ _ **without**_ _the use of heavy-duty equipment,_ " Sparks answered.

"So, are Marco and Stormy going to post warning signs first, or are they going to rescue us first?" Amy asked. " _They'll post warning signs first, to make sure that no one tries to use the lift while they're working on it,_ " Sparks replied.

" _Listen, guys, you're probably going to be in there for a while. Dr. Quinn, you know where all of the emergency supplies are located in the lift, right?_ " "Yeah, but how old are the rations going to be? I'm not sure that they're replaced on a scheduled basis," Dr. Quinn replied.

" _They're probably past their prime, but they shouldn't kill you,_ " Sparks said. "I hope not," Tom quipped. " _Listen, at their worst, they'll probably give you the runs or an upset stomach,_ " Sparks said. "Hopefully _after_ we've escaped the Lift of Death," Tom said.

" _Oh, if you get bored, one of the compartments should have some board games in a water-proof container,_ " Sparks said. " _Anyway, I'm going to check on Stormy and Marco and see how far things are progressing. I'll contact you every thirty or so minutes, unless something really important happens. Stay sane,_ " Sparks said before he hung up.

"I really hate that guy sometimes," Dr. Quinn said. "Why?" Amy asked. "I don't know. He just... gives off this vibe sometimes. Do you know that he actually pays the orphans to pee on Captain Murphy's bed when he's sleeping? He told me so himself, and he showed me the security footage to prove it," Dr. Quinn said.

"He's also a convicted felon, and he's serving time here at Sealab as part of his sentence, although he should be up for evaluation in a few months," Quinn said. "I've known that for a while," Amy said. "Really? How did you find out?" her asked her. "He told me," she replied. Daria and Tom both raised eyebrows at this.

** Two Hours Later... **

"Okay," said Marco, "We've posted all of the warning signs, and I have the maintenance team split into two groups. One group is on Level Four, and the other group is up here with me on Level Five." " _Good,_ " Sparks said over the headset, " _Which group is Stormy in?_ "

"Stormy's with me. I don't need him to try fixing this thing unsupervised," Marco replied as he looked over at Stormy, who was holding a toy hammer made out of plastic. " _Smart idea,_ " Sparks commented. "I'm all too aware," Marco replied.

* * *

 

"You've been wiped out," Daria said as she beat Tom in another game of checkers. "So it would seem," he replied. "This is the tenth time you've lost," Daria said. "Well, only out of twenty games, so I'd say it evens out," Tom replied. Amy and Quinn were deep in conversation. Soon, the phone rang. Quinn walked over and answered it. Captain Murphy's face appeared on the screen.

"Captain Murphy?" Dr. Quinn asked. " _Quinn, I didn't know you worked at Pizza-marine,_ " Captain Murphy said. "Well, I don't sir. See-" " _Anyway, I want a large supreme, with cheese-filled bread-sticks, garlic dipping sauce, and those little wing things. Oh, and I also want to have ham and pineapple on the supreme, or maybe I could get that two larges deal, but then I wouldn't get the wings or bread-sticks. Wait, let me check that coupon,_ " Murphy said.

"Captain, this isn't the number for Pizza-marine. This is the console for Service Lift 14-AC. It's broken," Dr. Quinn explained. " _So... how long will it take to have the pizza's delivered?_ " Murphy asked him. "This isn't the Pizza-marine number," Dr Quinn reiterated. " _Oh. Is this a different pizza parlor then?_ " Murphy asked him.

Dr. Quinn was silent. "Here, let me talk to him," Amy said as she grabbed the phone from him. "Captain, our pizza oven doesn't work because the lift is broken. You won't get any pizza from anyone until the lift is fixed," Amy lied. " _Oh my god! I'll send down a large repair team right away!_ " Murphy exclaimed with a gasp.

"Good, remember, it's lift 14-AC, and we're stuck between levels five and four in Pod Fourteen. Our equipment won't work if the doors can't open, and the doors can't open if they aren't properly aligned with a specific level," Amy said. " _Gotcha! Oh, by the way, do you know who dyed my hair green?_ "

"No, Captain, I don't," Amy said. " _Damn,_ " Murphy said before hanging up. "Well, that was a waste of time," Amy said. "So, how long until Sparks calls us again?" Dr. Quinn asked her after a few minutes had passed. "I lost track of time," Amy replied. The phone rang again. Amy grabbed it and saw Sparks' face on the screen. "Sparks, I hope you have some good news for us," Amy said.

" _I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?_ " Sparks asked her. "Hold on," Amy sad before turning to face Daria, Tom, and Dr. Quinn. "So, which do we want to hear first: Good news or bad news?" Amy asked her companions.

"Bad news first," Daria said. "Same here," Tom said. "Get the bad news out of the way," Dr. Quinn said. "Okay, bad news first," Amy said into the phone. " _Alright, the bad news needs to be preceded by the good news for it to make sense, though. So, good news first,_ " Sparks said. Amy frowned.

" _The good news is that Captain Murphy has dispatched an extra maintenance team to help Marco and Stormy in getting you guys out of there. The bad news is that he sent them to Pizza-marine and he won't let me call them back to your location,_ " Sparks said. "You're kidding," Amy retorted.

" _Nope,_ " he said. "Dammit!" Daria exclaimed angrily. " _Yup. So, you'll just have to hang tight until Marco and Stormy can get you out of there. I wish I had something else to tell you, but that's all I've got,_ " Sparks said. "Sparks," Amy began, "Will you pay the orphans extra money to make Captain Murphy's bed especially wet tonight?"

" _Sure, but I'll expect a really nice "Thank-you" in return,_ " Sparks said. "Don't worry, you'll get one. We'll have discuss it on a secure line _after_ we get out of here, though," Amy replied.

Amy hung up the phone and turned around. Daria was looking at her strangely, while Tom was looking around at the walls. Dr. Quinn was massaging his temples. "Um, Daria, is something wrong?" Amy asked her. "I wouldn't say 'wrong' but definitely out of the ordinary," Daria replied.

"Wanna... talk about it?" Amy asked hesitantly. "Maybe not with other people in the room," Daria replied. "Um, I'll pretend not to listen," Tom said. "I'm a doctor, not a gossiper. Everything I hear is strictly confidential," Dr. Quinn said. "True, but I'm not one of your patients, and I'm not entirely certain if you're that kind of doctor either," Daria replied. "True, but I still wouldn't say anything to anyone anyway," he said.

"Okay. Amy, currently, I'm stuck in a broken service lift. I haven't had anything to eat since lunch, and if Dr. Quinn's judgement is to be trusted, those rations hidden away may kill me sooner than starvation. Also, I feel that I've been losing touch with my best friend, Jane, and one of the people involved in that is standing right behind me."

"Huh?" Tom asked. "Furthermore, I've just learned that I may not be getting out of this box for at least another few hours, and I need to pee. I've also just learned that one of the few people I can trust on this station may possibly be having a relationship with a convicted felon who may or may not still be committing illegal activities when the opportunity arises. I think that covers everything so far. I've already discussed the whole not seeing my parents issue with you before, so I won't mention it this time," Daria said.

"Wait, parents, as in multiple? Amy isn't your mother?" Tom asked her. "No, Tom. Amy is my aunt," Daria replied as she turned to glare at him. "Sorry, I just, kind of, well, thought that the resemblances in appearance and behavior were strong indicators," Tom said defensively.

"Um, I don't know if this will diffuse some tensions, but a handful of the older lifts actually have portable waste-relief systems," Dr. Quinn said. "Waste-relief?" Tom asked him. "Well, tubes and vacuums for, well, the end product of the digestive system," Dr. Quinn said.

"So...little built-in toilets or urinals?" Tom asked him. "In a manner of speaking," Dr. Quinn replied. "Um, are they designed for both sexes, or are there gender-specific pieces of equipment?" Amy asked him. "Um, they're mostly unisex, although there are gender-specific pieces that can be configured for certain individuals," Quinn replied.

"Does this lift have one of those?" Tom asked him. "We'll have to find out," Dr. Quinn said as he looked around the lift.

** Later... **

"None of you are looking, right?" Daria asked in an embarassed tone. "Nope," Tom answered, facing the opposite wall and keeping one hand over his eyes. Dr. Quinn was doing the same thing. Amy was standing near Daria and keeping her eyes on the two males while her niece relieved herself.

"Okay, I just need to zip up and wash my... um, do we have something to clean my hands with?" Daria asked as she zipped up her uniform's pants. "Um, I have a clean-wipe alcohol pad in my left pocket," Tom said. "I got it at Grizzlebee's last week during my date with Jane," Tom explained.

"Date?" Daria asked him. "I thought you guys were just... um, friends... with certain benefits," Daria said. "Oh. Well, we _are_ , but I think Jane wants a bit more in a relationship than just that, and... well, I kind of do, too," Tom said, still facing the opposite wall. Dr. Quinn and Amy both kept their mouths shut, as they'd promised.

"You can turn around now," Daria said. Dr. Quinn and Tom both turned around and Tom fished in his pocket for the alcohol-pad. "Here we go," he said. It was a two-pack.

"Hey, this means we'll have one for later, but we should make sure that's after the rations run their course through us," Tom said humorously. Daria simply grabbed the first pad and ripped it from its thin packaging before wiping her hands.

"You're welcome," Tom said quietly, slightly miffed at Daria's behavior towards him.

* * *

 

"Man, this lift is really chaffing my caboose," Marco said as he rearranged two wires inside of an access panel. He looked up over at the doors. The lights had stopped blinking. "Okay, now let's try moving it," he said as he ordered one of his subordinates to enter the proper code on the control panel on the wall.

The lift remained silently in place. "Hmm," Marco said. "Stormy, could you show me that diagram again, please?" Marco asked. Stormy knelt down and showed him the page of the technical manual with the diagram. It looked exactly as it had when Stormy showed it to him before, and the arrangement of the wires in front of him seemed to match the diagram in the manual.

"That's odd," he whispered. He looked at the diagram, and then he looked at the page next to it. His eyes narrowed. "Stormy, why are you reading one of the foreign language sections of that manual?" Marco asked him. He knew for a fact that Stormy was only capable of reading English, even though he could speak a handful of Spanish phrases.

"What are you talking about, this _is_ the English section," Stormy said. "Then what language is on that page?" Marco asked him. "English. Oh, you're looking at it upside down," Stormy said. "Say what?" Marco asked him.

"I was holding it upside down for you," Stormy said. Marco's left eye began to twitch.

"Stormy, hold the book right-side up-I mean upside up," Marco said as Stormy began turning the book. "Now, please, hold it in front of me, but above the open panel," Marco said, trying to keep his cool. "Sure," Stormy said.

* * *

 

Daria was quiet while she waited with the others for the lift to be opened. The phone on the console began ringing after a few minutes. Dr. Quinn picked it up and saw Marco's face on the screen. "Marco?" Dr. Quinn asked.

" _Hey, I think I've got the wiring rearranged so that we can move the lift up or down in order to align it with a floor. I'm going to align the lift with Level Five, so hold on to something, just in case,_ " Marco said. "Got it. Thanks for the heads-up, Marco," Quinn said. " _No problem, Doc._ "

Marco and Dr. Quinn both hung up. "Okay, everyone, grab one of the hand rails. Marco's going to take us up," Dr. Quinn said. Everyone followed his advice. There was a loud noise as the lift began to slowly lurch upward. Thirty minutes after it began moving, the lift finally aligned itself with Level 05 and came to a stop.

Everyone waited with baited breath as the doors slowly began to open. As soon as there was enough room, the four occupants of the lift darted out into the hallway. There were a about eight maintenance workers, including Marco. Stormy was standing off to the side, waving at them.

"Hey, Dr. Quinn! We fixed the lift!" he shouted. "Good job, Stormy," Dr. Quinn said before turning to face Marco. "Thanks, Marco. You're a life saver," Quentin said. "Ah, don't mention it," Marco said. Hey looked over and saw Amy walking alongside Daria.

"Hey, Barksdale!" Marco shouted as he walked over. "You know, Stormy is right over there. Why don't you go show him just how much you _appreciate_ his actions today?" Marco suggested as he handed her a wrench. "Marco, thank you so much," Amy said with a wicked smile. Daria stood in place as she watched Amy walk over to Stormy.

"Hey, Amy! Good to be back outside, right? Say, how did you get stuck in the lift in the first place? Am-oww! Oh! Ouch! Ow! That hur-aah! Ahh! Why!? Oh, my crotch! Don't kick there! Plea-aack!"

Amy soon returned the wrench to Marco. "Thank you, Marco. Now, if you'll excuse me," she said as she returned to Daria's side. "So, do you want to go to the bridge and clock in for whatever's left of your shift?" Amy asked her niece.

Daria shook her head. "Nah. I think I just wanna go home," Daria said. "I was thinking the same thing," Amy said as she and her niece began walking away from the lift and the crowd of maintenance workers.

Tom leaned against a wall, watching the two Barksdale women walk away. "I hope Jane isn't too upset that I missed our date tonight," he said to himself. He reached inside his pants pockets and retrieved his phone. He began dialing Jane's number. " _Hey, Tom, I've been trying to reach you all night. Where were you?_ " Jane asked over the phone.

"Jane, it's a long, long story," Tom said as he began walking away from the lift. "A _very_ long story." He saw a candy bar on the floor, still in its wrapping, and picked it up. He stowed it in his pockets. He would give it to Jane later, as a gift.

* * *

 

Sparks entered his quarters and turned on the lights. It had been difficult to get back from the orphans' housing unit without being detected, but he'd managed. He noticed that his bedroom door was open. He walked in and smiled. Lying on his bed was Amy's "Thank You" gift for his efforts. "You're quite welcome," he said.

* * *

 

Ending Theme: The Inferno, by performed by Emma Shapplin and composed by Graeme Revell, from the soundtrack for Red Planet (2000).

* * *

 

This episode isn't nearly as comedic as the other ones that I've written. Of course, following the heels of Bizarro makes that kind of difficult. I also wanted to create a greater balance between the comedy and the drama in this episode, in that there is a light sense of actual drama. This is one of those episodes that will be referenced by future episodes.

The previous episode, Bizarro, was far more Sealab than Daria, so I wanted this episode to feel like either a balanced merging, or more Daria than Sealab. Still, I hope that it was entertaining for all of you to read. Next episode sees Tommy Sherman fight a shark _and_ get turned into a cyborg!


	9. Re-Shermanator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy Sherman suffers a horrible accident, and is saved only by Dr. Quinn's technology. But, with Commander Li involved in the process, something goes terribly wrong.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

 Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 1-09: Re-Shermanator 

* * *

Date: Tuesday, October 10th, 2021 

Tommy Sherman looked at his clock before returning his attention to the TV. " _They're darn good pa's, but they break the law! American Psycho-Dads on the next Sick Sad World!_ "

"It gets worse every episode," Tommy muttered. He didn't have any work today, so instead of wearing his standard uniform, he was wearing a kilt, with some boxers underneath. He quietly brought a doob up to his lips and took a puff before reclining back into his seat.

"Tommy Sherman... forgets what he wanted to say," Tommy Sherman said in a mellow tone. "Oh, yeah, Tommy Sherman is sleepy," Tommy Sherman said before he began closing his eyes.

* * *

 

Date: Wednesday, October 11th, 2021 

" _Okay, you're doing good,_ " Dr. Quinn said over the radio. Several divers were currently fixing a section of cables outside. "Sure," muttered Tommy Sherman, who was watching the divers. "You aren't the one out here freezing your butt off," he quietly added.

"We're almost finished," said Marco as he began welding a patch of metal back into place. A handful of other divers were finishing their repairs as well. "We should be ready in about twenty minutes," Marco said.

* * *

 

Captain Murphy stared out at the ocean floor. "You ever wonder... if we could design an underwater grill? You know, for cooking out there," he asked out loud. Sparks and Daria both glanced in his direction. "I don't think that would be possible or feasible," Sparks commented.

"A man can dream," Murphy said sadly. "A man... can dream." "Let's hope it stays a dream," Daria said quietly. " _We're just about-Connors, look out!_ " Marco's voice shouted over the radio, grabbing everyone's attention.

* * *

 

Connors tried to back up as the shark drew closer. He had accidentally cut himself through his suit with a jagged piece of metal. Tommy Sherman quickly swam over to him. "Move!" Sherman told him as he pushed him down, ducking as the shark swam over them. Tommy Sherman began to raise himself, only to be pushed forward several seconds later when the shark attacked his scuba gear.

"Tommy Sherman does not like this!" he shouted as he turned himself around and grappled with the shark. He raised back a fist and struck forward, aiming for the shark's nose. The shark opened its mouth and chomped down on Tommy's arm. "Let go of Tommy Sherman's arm!" he yelled. "Lieutenant Sherman!" Marco cried out as he rushed over.

Tommy Sherman struggled to get loose as Marco reached him, taking out a combat knife and jabbing it at the shark's face. "Let go of him!" Marco said angrily. The shark snapped its head away from Marco, tearing Tommy's forearm off in the process. "Tommy Sherman's arm!" Tommy cried in agony. Marco managed to scare off the shark as it swam away with Tommy Sherman's right arm still inside its mouth.

He looked over at Tommy Sherman and saw the blood. "Come on, we need to get you to the infirmary!" Marco shouted as he grabbed Tommy Sherman and used a cloth to cover his bleeding stub. It wouldn't stop the bleeding, but it would allow them a small amount of reprieve as they made their way to the airlock.

* * *

 

"Can you save him?" Marco asked Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn as Tommy Sherman lay on the infirmary bed. "I can try, but he's losing too much blood," Dr. Quinn replied. Michael "Mack" McKenzie stood at the side, looking at Tommy Sherman. "Tommy Sherman... feels funny," Tommy said weakly through the breathing apparatus attached to his face.

"Mack," Dr. Quinn began, "I need you to go find Dr. Virjay. I'm going to need his help. I also want you to find Commander Li and bring her here as well." "Yes sir," Mack said as he exited the infirmary. "Okay, now that he's gone, let's get this wound cauterized," Dr. Quinn said.

* * *

 

"He's just barely holding on," Dr. Quinn said as he looked at Tommy Sherman's vitals. "He may not make it, unless..." he trailed off. "Unless what, exactly?" Dr. Ilad Virjay asked him. "Dr. Virjay, do you remember our first year working here together?" Dr. Quinn replied.

"Yes, I-oh no! That was very, very unstable! There is no guarantee of it working," Dr. Virjay said firmly. "It's the _only chance_ for Tommy Sherman," Dr. Quinn said. "What is the only chance for him?" Commander Angela Li asked him.

"A special project developed initially for wounded veterans. We can rebuild Tommy Sherman... as a cyborg. We _have_ the technology!" he replied. "True, but we lack the discipline and skill necessary to make it work," Dr. Virjay countered. Dr. Quinn frowned at him. "Shut up."

* * *

 

[ **A montage of Dr. Quinn, Dr. Virjay, Commander Li, Marco and others working furiously over the next three days begins. It is written in present-tense. Many of these sequences are shown and described in random order, for the sake of looking cool.** ]

"All right, attach that there," Dr. Quinn says. "Good, now attach that over there. No, not there; _there!_ "

"We'll begin the program download soon," Dr. Virjay announces.

"Live, damn you, live!" Marco shouts dramatically.

"Re-adjust that leg cable," Dr. Quinn orders.

Mack hands important-looking tools to Dr. Quinn.

"I'm thirsty," Commander Li says.

Dr. Virjay wipes sweat away from his brow.

"Take that candy bar out of that socket!" Dr. Quinn orders.

Marco uses a wrench to adjust something off-screen.

"My hand!" Mack cries after testing Tommy Sherman's new robotic hand.

Angela Li smirks when Dr. Quinn asks her to begin downloading the protocols for Sherman's cyborg system.

"Must. Have. Sleep," Mack says tiredly.

"Dammit, you bastard! You never backed away from anything in your life, now fight! Fight! Fiiiight!" Marco shouts extra-dramatically.

Mack types some things into a keyboard.

"No, we're losing him!" Quinn shouts.

Captain Murphy enters the infirmary, sipping a soda. He stands still, staring into space for a few second before leaving.

"And this needs to go here, while this goes over there," Dr. Quinn says while pointing at an anatomical diagram...of a cow. Dr. Virjay, Commander Li, and Mack nod their heads.

"Almost finished," Dr. Quinn says to himself. He looks tired.

"Are we done?" Mack asks. "Yes," replies Dr. Quinn. "We are done."

[ **Montage ends with everyone in the room smiling and giving each other a high-five.** ]

* * *

 

On Sunday, the day after the operation, Dr. Quinn stood in front of the doors of the infirmary, watching as the assembled crew of Sealab stared at him. "Ladies and gentlemen," he announced, "I am pleased to give to you... the new Tommy Sherman Two-Point-Zero!" Everyone just stared blankly at him. "Okay, how about just Cyber-Sherman," he says. Everyone applauds him.

Stepping out of the way, Dr. Quinn opened the doors of the infirmary, showing Cyber-Sherman to the residents of Sealab. Cyber-Sherman had a visor over his face, much like Bizarro-Jane, and a large metallic right arm and hand, very much like Cable from Marvel Comics. He was wearing a modified Sealab Security uniform, with a vest over-top his chest and two Beretta's in holsters at his hips. He also had steel-toed combat boots.

Linda Griffin began taking pictures and jotting down notes on her notepad before she took out a microphone. "Dr. Quinn, um, just _how_ were you able to... _do_ this?" she asked him.

"Allow me to explain," he said, beginning a long lecture about cybernetics. Everyone was asleep by the time he was finished. "Now, who wants to see Cyber-Sherman in action?" Dr. Quinn asked, causing everyone to wake up.

* * *

 

Later that night, Cyber-Sherman sat back in a reclining chair in a caged section of Sealab Security. "Now, Mr. Sherman," Angela Li began, "What are your prime directives?"

"Directive One: Uphold the law. Directive Two: View pornography. Directive Three: Consume alcohol. Directive Four: Serve the public trust. Directive Five: Watch football. Directive Six: Classified," Cyber-Sherman replied. "Hmm, I suppose some things just _couldn't_ be changed," Angela Li mumbled to herself in disappointment.

* * *

 

The next day, Cyber-Sherman walked through the halls of New Lawndale High. Several students looked at him with curiosity, nervousness, and awe as he strode through the throngs of students walking to their different classes.

"Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer," Cyber-Sherman said as he saw Daria and Jane walking to Commander DeMartino's History class. "You are not at your post," he said firmly.

Daria raised an eyebrow. "My shift is scheduled to begin after the school-day is over," Daria replied. "Tommy Sherman shall check his crew member database and schedules," Cyber-Sherman said. He was silent for a few seconds. "Tommy Sherman has found that you are indeed correct. Have a good day, Lieutenant Junior Grade Morgendorffer," Cyber-Sherman said as he resumed walking through the hallway.

"Um, why is he... _patrolling_ the school? Don't we already have two assigned security officers doing that?" Jane asked Daria. "We do, but Miss Li was involved in Cyber-Sherman's resurrection. I wonder..." Daria trailed off, not liking the direction that her thoughts were going.

* * *

 

Angela Li looked at the monitors showing the halls of Sealab and New Lawndale High in her office. She had to view the rest of Sealab through her data-pad, but the school was still shown on the monitors in the Principal's Office. The regular principal, Commander Brett Oats, was currently overseeing the sorting of the monthly supply shipment in Pod 03.

"Hmm, he hasn't taken care of any of the problem-causers yet," Li muttered. "Well when they feel like breaking the rules or displaying their "free thinking" beliefs, Sherman will get them," she said giddily to herself. New Lawndale High would soon become a beacon of order.

* * *

 

On Tuesday morning, Commander Li adjusted Cyber-Sherman's programming to follow a more strict interpretation of Sealab's safety regulations, having been disappointed with his less proactive approach the previous day.

As students began leaving for their next class, Cyber-Sherman spotted a rule-violator. "Halt!" he said while pointing his finger at Stacey Rowe. "Huh? M-Mister Sherman?" Stacey asked nervously. Quinn, standing right beside her, watched as Cyber-Sherman approached them.

"Your pig-tails are in direct violation of the high school safety code. Your uniform also has... unauthorized modifications, as does yours, Quinn Morgendorffer," Cyber-Sherman said, looking at their pink-colored uniforms with little heart-shaped stickers and smiles on them.

He retrieved a notepad and wrote down some stuff. "Here," he said. "You have thirty minutes to fix these problems, or you will be severely reprimanded." "B-but... I... I thought it was okay," Stacey said. "Who gave you authorization?" he asked her. "M-Mister Van Driessen," Stacey answered.

Cyber-Sherman frowned. "Mr. Van Driessen does not have the authority to authorize changes in the safety code or dress code for Sealab. He, too, shall be reprimanded. Now, you have twenty-seven minutes to fix your violations," Cyber-Sherman said.

"But, we have to get to our next class!" Quinn rebutted. "You are challenging the authority of Tommy Sherman, and by extension, the head of Sealab Authority, Commander Li. This shall not go unpunished," he said as he grabbed the two girls and began dragging them through the hallway, taking them directly to the principal's office.

* * *

 

**Later, After School And Inside of Housing Unit 12-AF-0034...**

"There, there, it's okay, Stacey," Quinn said as she gently rubbed her hand up and down Stacey's back. Stacey, however, was too busy crying. He hair had been forcibly cut short by Commander Li and Cyber-Sherman, and then she had been forced to discard her old uniform and wear a janitor's outfit for the rest of the school day. Quinn had been forced to discard the top half of her uniform, and was forced to wear an ugly brown vest as well.

Quinn heard the door slide open with a ding and lifted her head to see her aunt walk inside the living room before heading to the kitchen. Amy had begun walking slowly as soon as she had seen Quinn comforting Stacey in the kitchen. "Quinn, Stacey...what happened?" Amy asked with concern in her voice.

"Cyber-Sherman and Commander Li are what happened," Quinn said bitterly. "They said that our hair-styles and uniforms were safety violations, so they...they cut Stacey's hair and took away our uniforms! They forced us to wear ugly and uncomfortable outfits for the rest of the day!" Quinn exclaimed. One of Amy's eyes began to twitch.

* * *

 

On the bridge, Daria was busy doing her homework while waiting for communications traffic to pick up. Sparks was busy watching a Kung Fu movie on one of his console screens. Captain Murphy entered the bridge, talking with Commander DeMartino, followed by Commander Li.

"Those girls were balling their eyes out, and I actually felt sorry for them," DeMartino said to the Captain. "Hmm, sounds... pretty bad," Murphy said. "Commander DeMartino is _exaggerating_ ," Li said defensively. "Really? Am I exaggerating, MISS LI!?" DeMartino asked in anger. He'd seen the two girls after their trip to see Commander Li.

"Yeah, uh, look. Just... make sure the kids are learning and stuff," Murphy said, not really caring about what the two commanders were saying. "CAPTAIN MURPHY! Do you even CARE about WHAT I have JUST SAID!?" DeMartino asked him. "Obviously, he doesn't believe a word that's come out of your mouth. Neither would any sane person," Angela said with a smirk on her face.

"Hey, Sparks," Murphy said. "Hey, Captain." "So, have you got those movies downloaded that I asked you about?" Murphy asked him. "Sure did. I'm watching one of them right now," Sparks replied. "Good! Say, um, did you, uh, burn them to a disc of any kind yet?" Murphy asked him.

"Already burned each one to a DVD. I could put two on a Blu-Ray, if you'd like," Sparks offered. "Oh, yes. I'd like that," Murphy said with a grin. DeMartino and Li just stared at the two men. " _Captain Murphy!_ " Angela Li began, "I cannot believe what I am hearing! Are you encouraging the illegal theft and distribution of copyrighted cinema?"

"Um, do Hong Kong Kung Fu movies from the 1970's and 1980's really count as copyrighted cinema?" Murphy asked Sparks. "Um, technically, yes," Sparks replied carefully. "Well, we aren't going to sell copies to anyone," Murphy said.

"That doesn't make it any better!" Li exclaimed. "It doesn't? Oh. Oops," Murphy said.

"Despite my moral outrage against Commander Li and her many violations of other people's civil rights, I must... _concede_ to her argument against your actions, gentlemen," Commander DeMartino said in a reluctant tone.

"Aw, man. Two against two. It's a tie," Murphy said. Listening in on the conversation from her seat, Daria merely frowned at the behavior of the adults around her. Well, with the exception of Commander DeMartino, who was the only one _not_ engaging in illegal or potentially criminal activities on a daily basis.

"Look, I'm not saying that what I'm doing here is completely legal," Sparks began, "But I know that Commander Li here has very little room to argue against us on moral grounds, especially with what she attempts to do with security at New Lawndale on a near-weekly basis." Sparks saw that Li had frowned. "Plus, I was given direct orders from a superior officer," he added in his own flimsy defense.

"You have a duty to disobey unlawful orders from your superiors," DeMartino argued against him. "True, but I prefer to do that only if those orders would grossly violate civil liberties or kill someone who doesn't deserve it," Sparks replied. "An interesting philosophy, no doubt, but the fact remains that your 'orders' were clearly illegal in nature," DeMartino said.

"Mr. Sparks," Commander Li said, "I could easily have you sent back to prison for this."

"Oh really?" Sparks replied, turning around in his chair to look at her while Murphy's eyes were glued to the movie playing on one of his screens. "Well, in that case, I can easily provide enough material to send _you_ to prison as well."

Li frowned. "You see, working in my position, I'm capable of monitoring plenty of communications, and I have access to plenty of other systems on Sealab. I have a recorded list of activities and conversations that could easily land you in prison for almost twenty to thirty years, Commander Li," Sparks continued.

"In fact, I have blackmail material on just about everyone in Sealab, with only a handful of exceptions," Sparks said with a smirk. "Oh, and by the way, my rank is Commander," he finished.

"Well," DeMartino said, "If we could get back on track, I'd like to say something about Cyber-Sherman's actions today, if anyone would actually CARE to LISTEN!" "Sure," Sparks said. DeMartino turned to see Daria staring at him and the others. "Ah, Miss Morgendorffer, I believe you may wish to hear this, as it concerns your sister," he said.

Daria raised an eyebrow.

"You see, earlier today, Cyber-Sherman forcibly dragged Quinn Morgendorffer, and her friend, Stacy Rowe, into the principal's office. Apparently, their uniforms had become a security issue, as well as their hair styles," DeMartino explained. Commander Li, stared glared at him. "Instead of being allowed to change their uniforms after school and come in with proper attire the FOLLOWING DAY, they had their uniforms REMOVED and hair CUT, without their CONSENT!"

"Wait, forcibly cutting their hair?" Murphy and Daria both asked. "YES," DeMartino replied. "Well... were the haircuts stylish?" Murphy asked. "They were crude," DeMartino replied simply. "Oh. Who was in charge of the principal's office today?" Murphy asked.

"Commander Li," Daria replied. She'd been monitoring some of Commander Oats' conversations in Pod 03, and she knew that Li always took his spot when he was away.

"Wait, so _you_ forcibly cut someone's hair without their consent?" DeMartino asked her. "It was a violation of safety regulations, and Sherman did all of the work. I technically didn't lay a finger on either girl," Li replied. "Hmm, she's got us there," Murphy said. "No, she DOESN'T!" DeMartino exclaimed.

"That was a direct violation of those girls' civil liberties," Sparks commented. Suddenly, one of the doors to the bridge opened and Amy Barksdale stepped inside. "Captain, I have... oh good, you're here, Commander Li. This will save me some trouble."

* * *

 

"You know," Debbie Dupree said seductively while trailing a finger up Dr. Quinn's chest, "I find smart to be _incredibly sexy_." "Oh, I _know_ , baby," Quentin Q. Quinn replied with a smile. Both of them were in Debbie's research lab, with the doors locked to everyone except security personnel and Debbie herself.

However, as the pair were about to reach third base, Cyber-Sherman stepped inside the lab, his security clearance giving him access. "Halt. This is a violation of fraternization rules. You shall be severely reprimanded. Tommy Sherman shall report this misconduct to Commander Li after Tommy Sherman finishes his patrol."

"Say what!?" Dr. Quinn asked in response.

* * *

 

"That doesn't make it okay!" Amy shouted at Angela Li. "Do _not_ raise your voice to a superior officer, Lieutenant Barksdale!" Li retorted. "I'll yell at whoever I damn well please!" Amy replied, pointing a finger at Commander Li. Sparks was watching the tow of them go at it, eating a bag of popcorn.

He held the bag out to Daria. "Want some?" he offered. "No, but thank you for the offer," she replied. "Suit yourself," he said with a shrug before eating from the bag again.

A bridge door opened and Jane Lane stepped inside, carrying her sketching material. She walked over to Daria as she watched Amy and Commander Li argue back and forth. "So, what's going on, Daria?" Jane asked her quietly. "Cyber-Sherman has been doing Commander Li's bidding," Daria replied. She then proceeded to explain what she had heard about Quinn and Stacey.

"That bastard... and that bitch!" Jane growled. "I've got a feeling that it's only going to get worse from here, though," Daria said. Jane looked at Sparks eating from a bag of popcorn. "Where'd he get that from?" she asked. "No idea," Daria replied.

"So, anyway, the reason I came in here was to invite you to join me and Tom this weekend, if your schedule permits it," Jane said. "Join you? Where?" Daria asked her curiously. "Well, he and I were thinking of going to either Pizza-marine or Grizzlebee's," Jane replied. "I've only been to Pizza-marine," Daria said.

"Well, Grizzlebee's isn't bad, actually. A guy could easily do a lot worse when taking a girl out, you know?" Jane asked. "No, I wouldn't know," Daria replied. "Well, you're always cooped up in here, so why don't you join us for a day?" Jane offered. "I'll see what I can do," Daria said, somewhat unsure about accepting Jane's offer.

Soon, the doors to the bridge opened again, with one door giving entrance to Dr. Quinn and White Debbie while the other door had Cyber-Sherman. "Captain!" Dr. Quinn shouted. "Oh, god, just let me watch my movies," he grumbled to himself.

"What is it, Quinn?" Murphy asked. "Sir, I don't know why, but Cyber-Sherman has gone over the line. Debbie and I have been... accosted by him for simply..." "What, screwing?" Sparks asked humorously. Everybody knew about the fraternization rules for Sealab, but no one actually cared to follow them.

"Well... we were about to," Dr. Quinn replied. "Commander Li," Cyber-Sherman said while pointing at Dr. Quinn and Debbie, "These two were in direct violation of Sealab's fraternization rules." Cyber-Sherman looked over and saw Jane standing next to Daria.

"Jane Lane, you are not authorized to be on the bridge without special clearance. Please show Tommy Sherman your clearance or vacate the premises immediately," Cyber-Sherman said. "Oh, she's fine," Captain Murphy said. Cyber-Sherman shook his head in disagreement.

"Jane Lane, you have three minutes to vacate the premises, or I will be authorized to use force," Cyber-Sherman said, reaching for one of his Berettas. "Woah! I did _not_ program you to take things this far!" Dr. Quinn shouted at the cyborg.

"You didn't, but _I did_ ," Commander Li said with a smirk. "Called it," Daria said quietly. " _What!?_ " Dr. Quinn exclaimed. "Yes, you see, while you were busy attaching his parts together, _I_ was making some... modifications to his programming, Dr. Quinn," Commander Li said with a grin.

"You! You... madwoman!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed angrily. "Dammit! Now he has to be shutdown and rebooted!" Dr. Quinn said. "Otherwise, extra programming with begin to conflict with his normal programming, and he'll eventually lose complete control and go on a psychotic murder spree!"

"Oh please, as if I'd believe _that_ for one second!" Commander Li laughed. "Dr. Quinn, I'm smart enough to realize that while you may know how to put machinery together, you don't always take everything else into account. With Cyber-Sherman as I've modified him, Sealab will soon become a beacon of order!"

"You... you're insane," Dr. Quinn said quietly. "You're a fascist!" Debbie cried. "Say what you will, but everything I'm doing will make Sealab _better!_ " Commander Li said in her defense. "Um, about that... see, you're kind of _wrong_ in that regard," Sparks said with a frown.

"Shut up, convict!" Li snapped. "Cyber-Sherman, Commander Sparks has violated several copyright laws and other safety regulations. Relieve him of duty and take him to the bridge!" "We're already on the bridge," Amy said. "I meant brig! Take him to the brig!" Li shouted. There was gunfire as everyone looked over and saw Jane on the floor near a door, holding her foot in pain.

"Holy _crap!_ " Murphy exclaimed. "You shot Jane, you asshole!" Daria cried. "She did not vacate the premises within the allotted time given to her," Cyber-Sherman said firmly. "That was her final warning. Will someone please escort her to the infirmary," he said.

Daria quickly got out of her seat and ran over to Jane's side. She helped her friend up and began to help her limp out the door into the hallway. "You maniac!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed as Cyber-Sherman holstered his Beretta. "Now, Commander Sparks, please come with Tommy Sherman to the brig," Cyber-Sherman requested.

"Fuck you," Sparks spat. "Commander Sparks, you are relieved of duty," Cyber-Sherman said. "No, he's staying right where he is," Commander DeMartino said. "Cyber-Sherman, I am ordering you to stand down!"

"Negative, only Commander Angela Li has the authority to make such commands," Cyber-Sherman replied. "Angela, you bitch!" DeMartino shouted at her. She merely smirked at him. "Um, since I outrank all of you, can I order you to leave the bridge so that I can watch my movies?" Captain Murphy asked.

"Your rank is above that of Commander Li, thus your orders are still valid," Cyber-Sherman said. "Ooh, I need to fix that tonight," Li said. "Oh, no you don't!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed. "You've violated several laws regarding safety and robotics!"

"Cyber-Sherman, what are you prime directives?" Amy asked him. "Uphold the law, view pornography, consume alcohol, serve the public trust, watch football, and obey Commander Angela Li," he replied.

"But, Sherman," Amy began, "Many of Li's policies and actions actually violate the law or show a clear intention to do so," Amy explained. "Tommy Sherman must process this information," Cyber-Sherman said.

"Tommy Sherman has determined that Lieutenant Amy Barksdale is correct. Commander Li has indeed shown a clear intention to violate civil laws and other proper laws regarding robotics and personal safety," Cyber-Sherman said. "Commander Li, you have used Tommy Sherman against his will as an attack dog. Tommy Sherman does not like that," Cyber-Sherman said before un-holstering a Beretta and shooting her in the head.

"Oh my god!" Amy cried. "Tommy Sherman is-pass the ball-Sherman-Sherman-Sherman-pass the Sherman! Tommy-Rock me Amadeus! Pass the Sherman! Ball-Ball-Ball-Pass the Tommy-Pass-Timmay! The Sherman-Ball-Ball-Ball!" Cyber-Sherman began to shout as his programming went haywire.

He took out his Beretta's and began firing in circles at the floor. Captain Murphy and Commander DeMartinoo ran out of the room, as did Dr. Quinn and Debbie. Amy grabbed Sparks and dragged him behind her as they fled the room. Everyone gathered in the hallway, waiting for the sounds of the guns firing to stop.

"Um, is that normal?" Captain Murphy asked Dr. Quinn. "No, Captain, that is _not_ normal. However, given what Commander Li did to his programming, we should just be grateful that-" Quinn was interrupted when one of Cyber-Sherman's fists punched through the door. "Holy _crap!_ " Murphy exclaimed.

Everyone began to run away. Running into an intersection, the group looked to their right and saw Daria and Dr. Virjay getting Jane onto a stretcher before quickly carrying her away. _Wow, that was fast_ , Amy thought as the girls and Dr. Virjay disappeared after turning a corner.

The group turned around after hearing a rupturing sound and saw Cyber-Sherman walking towards them. "Run away!" Debbie screamed.

* * *

 

[ **Montage of group running from Cyber-Sherman begins while Scooby-Doo chase music plays in the background**.]

The gang runs into a room, followed by Cyber-Sherman. The gang exits a door from the room next to it.

Sherman opens a door and sees a man in a swamp-monster outfit. He clobbers him.

The gang enters another room, with Sherman close behind.

Cyber-Sherman exits a door, with the gang chasing him into another room.

The gang exits that room as Cyber-Sherman is once again chasing them.

Close-up on Dr. Quinn's face as they exit a room before entering another one.

Cyber-Sherman opens his mouth in a roar.

The gang exits a door into the hallway and run down a corridor.

Cyber-Sherman chases them.

The gang enters a room in engineering. Engineers stare at them before Cyber-Sherman barges into the room. The gang and Sherman run around a table in circles before they exit the room, while Cyber-Sherman still runs in circles around the table.

Close-ups of everyone's face at least once before switching to Cyber-Sherman's face as he holds his fists in the air and yells.

[ **Montage ends as the gang enters one more room and lock the door.** ]

* * *

 

Cyber-Sherman soon chased the group into a motor pool, with an actual pool of water and submersibles. "Grab those steel rods!" Dr. Quinn shouted. Everyone did so and prepared for Cyber-Sherman to enter the room.

"What's the plan?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. "We try to knock him into the pool. He'll short circuit without proper water-protection," Dr. Quinn explained. "Why would you design a cyborg that can't get wet without special protection?" Amy asked him.

"Um... shut up," Dr. Quinn retorted. The doors of the room were forced open by Cyber-Sherman as he strode forward. "You cannot hide from Tommy-Sherman!" he called.

"Now!" Dr. Quinn shouted as everyone charge, swinging their rods wildly at Cyber-Sherman. He batted Sparks away. Debbie and Murphy were soon pushed to the side, while only Dr. Quinn, DeMartino and Amy remained standing. They swung furiously, hitting sensitive joints in Sherman's elbows, ankles, and crotch.

"You designed a cyborg with a vulnerable crotch?" Amy asked Dr. Quinn. "I wanted to leave part of him human," he retorted. "Understandable, but not very wise," DeMartino said as he swung with his metal rod. Soon, as Sherman was crippled and lying on the floor near the pool. Sparks were starting to fly out of his joints. His visor began flashing as he gasped.

Dr. Quinn, DeMartino and Amy were tiredly bringing their rods down on Cyber Sherman, gasping for breath. "Had... enough, yet?" Amy asked, worn out. "Why?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Why do my creations always do this?" "That was for the four years that I was your teacher in high school," DeMartino rasped.

Soon, they were sitting down, watching as Cyber Sherman lay by the pool. "Tommy Sherman..." he began, "Has seen things... you guys wouldn't believe. Tommy Sherman once scored two touchdowns in a row in a play-off game. Tommy Sherman, once had a foursome with three cheerleaders after the last game in high school."

Everyone stared at the cyborg. "Soon, all those... moments... will be lost... in time, like... tears... in watered-down beer. Time... to die," Cyber-Sherman said as he crawled into the pool, falling into the water and short-circuiting. Soon, the shark that had attacked him the previous week returned and swam away, dragging Cyber-Sherman's body by chomping down on his waist.

Amy sighed while trying to process the day's events. "What the hell just happened?"

* * *

 

Ending Theme: Burnin' In The Third Degree, by Tahee Cain, from the soundtrack for The Terminator (1984).


	10. The Lord Of The Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unusually large egg is discovered in an underwater cavern by the crew of Sealab, just as Godzilla escapes from Mt. Mihara.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Godzilla is property of TOHO Co. LTD

* * *

 

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 1-10: The Lord of the Deep 

* * *

Date: Saturday, October 21st, 2021 

" _Sue Bentley, the young woman whose brain was transplanted into the body of a monkey last week, died last night after consuming a bucket of her own feces. In other news, Mount Mihara, on Oshima Island, began experiencing a series of eruptions last night have lasted well into the early hours of the morning,_ " the news reporter said.

"Hey, Amy, have you fixed the TV yet?" Captain Murphy asked. "This is the only station that we can get right now, and the news is so boring." "Captain, I'm pretty sure that the station's communication channels should really be reserved for communications. The news is an exception because it keeps us up to date with the outside world," Amy replied.

"You know, that name sounded familiar," Amy said as she plugged a wire into a new spot. "Sue Bently? I think there's a student at New Fielding with that name," Sparks said. "No, that island they mentioned. I think I studied that in a history book once, during a section on the Cold War," Amy said. Captain Murphy changed the channel.

"There we go!" Murphy said as Chopper Dave appeared on the screen. " _Heeyyooohhh!_ " Chopper Dave shouted before his chopper exploded. "Holy crap! Did you see that chopper explode?" Murphy asked. "Sure did," Sparks replied.

"Hey, Captain, look at this flashlight I found," Amy said. "Get that away from me! Flashlights are evil, soul-sucking monsters! They're an affront to Alvis!" Captain Murphy exclaimed before he ran out of the bridge. "What was _that_ all about?" Amy asked. "It's a long story," Sparks said to her.

"How long?" Amy asked him. "Actually, I _don't_ know the reason for it," Sparks admitted with a shrug before turning back to his console. "So... who's Alvis?" Amy asked him. "Okay, now _that_ you'll want to sit down for. It's a pretty funny story, at least from my point of view," Sparks said.

* * *

 

In one of Dr. Quinn's research labs, Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn was studying an enormous man-sized egg that had been found in a cave by a recent survey. "So, how come this thing was intact for so long?" Stormy asked Dr. Quinn.

"Well, only part of the cave was underwater, and much of it was really a large cavern, with dozens of fossils of all sorts of huge prehistoric creatures," Dr. Quinn said. "Uh-huh, and did you find any buried treasure?" Stormy asked him. "Well, this egg could be considered a treasure. It's still intact, even after millions of years," he said with awe and amazement.

"Will it taste bad when we eat it?" Stormy asked him. Dr. Quinn frowned. "We are _not_ going to eat it, Stormy," he said firmly. "Aw, man!" Stormy whined as he turned around and exited the lab.

* * *

 

Later that day, while Sparks was on a bathroom break, Captain Murphy returned to the bridge and began flipping through channels on the Communications console. "Ah, the news. Boring, but reliable fifty percent of the time," he said to himself. " _This just in! We have received word from the Japanese Government that Mt. Mihara, located on Oshima Island, has erupted for the final time, and that the dreaded Godzilla, long since thought to have died after being lured there in nineteen eighty-four, has emerged!_

" _The heading of the monster is currently-_ " "Eh, this is boring," Murphy said as he changed the channel. "Ah, cooking!" he exclaimed happily, just as Sparks returned from his bathroom break. "Hey, did I miss anything?" he asked the captain as he sat down.

"Huh? Oh, nothing important," Murphy said, distracted by the imagery of cookies being baked on the screen. "Okay," Sparks said nonchalantly as he resumed his game of Solitaire on one of the console screens.

* * *

 

Later that evening, as Dr. Quinn was getting ready for bed, the egg began to glow red and crack after wobbling. "Woah!" he said as he ran over to the nearest communications console. "This is Doctor Quinn to the Bridge! I need Debbie Dupree, and Commander DeMartino down here to my lab! Something exciting is happening!"

* * *

 

"Hmm, do you think he fixed that oven I asked him about the other week?" Murphy asked as he listened to Dr. Quinn's request. "Sure, we'll send them to your lab right away," Sparks said.

* * *

 

On her way to the Bridge, Daria Morgendorffer ran into Debbie Dupree. "Daria, something cool is happening in Dr. Quinn's lab! Come on!" she said as she grabbed Daria and dragged her to the lab. "Um, I have a shift to-" "Worry about that later!"

* * *

 

When the trio arrived in Dr. Quinn's lab, they saw the egg wobbling around and glowing red and pink. "It's... hatching!" Dr. Quinn said with a smile.

"Um... when did this get here?" Daria asked him. "It's been here for about a day, after the excavation team found it in an underwater cavern! Well, part of the cavern was dry and above water, but that's not the point."

"Is it supposed to do that?" Daria asked as the egg wobbled around. "IIIII'm... not sure," Dr. Quinn replied. Soon, a tail broke part of the shell, followed by some clawed dinosaurian feet, and arms and a weird dinosaur-like head. When the egg was completely shattered, there was a small gray dinosaur with bumpy ridges on its back, and the stupidest expression on its face as its tongue hung out of its mouth.

[Imagine Baby Godzilla from Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II (1993)]

"I think it incubated too long," Daria said. The dinosaur looked over at her and sauntered off of the lab table, stopping mere foot away from her. It then licked her face before staring at her again with that stupid expression.

"Um, okay," Daria said flatly. The dinosaur merely continued to stare at her and blink a few times. "It's still more likable than Dolphin Boy," Daria said. From outside of the room, Dolphin Boy peeked inside and a single tear strolled down his face after seeing the beauty of the stupid-faced dinosaur in front of him. Never would a more beautiful sight befall him for the rest of his life.

The dinosaur soon nuzzled its head in Daria's chest. "Aw, it thinks your its mother," Dr. Quinn said with a smile. "If I'm the mother, then where's the father? Where's my child support money?" Daria asked.

* * *

 

" _Just in. Godzilla has broken through the first line of defense set up by the Japan Self Defense Force! He is currently on a heading that will take him directly... to Sealab in the Pacific Ocean! A naval blockade, comprised of ships and submarines, is being set up by member forces of the United Nations, but Sealab is recommended to evacuate in case the monster cannot be stopped. Until the blockade can be finished, the Super-X 2 is being deployed to delay the monster's advance._ "

"This is boring," Murphy said as he changed the channel. "Hey, Sparks, what _did_ Dr. Quinn want earlier?" he asked Sparks. "I don't know. Why don't you go down and find out yourself? You know, surprise him," Sparks said as he played Mine Sweeper.

* * *

 

"So, you're saying that I'm _not_ allowed to kill it and cook it?" Captain Murphy asked Dr. Quinn. "That is correct, sir," Dr. Quinn replied. "Aww, dammit," Murphy grumbled while folding his arms across his chest. Baby-saurus was currently chewing on Daria's hair, while she had a bemused expression on her face. "So, what's with that stupid expression on its face? It looks really stupid," Captain Murphy asked.

"It was born that way," Dr. Quinn replied. "Oh," Murphy said. Commander DeMartino merely stared at the creature in apprehension and curiosity.

"Um, may I leave the room now?" Daria asked after Baby had stopped munching on her hair and began walking into a wall repeatedly. "Mnaarll," it growled each time. It continued to do this for twenty minutes before stepping back and blankly staring at the wall.

"Sure," Dr. Quinn said. "Come on, Junior. We need to find your dead-beat father and beat the child support payments out of him," Daria said. As soon as Daria left the room, Baby immediately followed her into the hallway, knocking Captain Murphy over with its tail. "Damn, he's got a good swing," Murphy rasped out. DeMartino looked down at Murphy before looking out into the hallway.

Daria was currently riding on the back of the dinosaur as though it were a horse. "Hi-ho silver!" he heard her call out in a flat tone.

* * *

 

The Super-X 2 fired a series of missiles at Godzilla, each one scoring a direct hit, but doing nothing to slow the monster down. It quickly maneuvered in front of the beast, opening its fire mirror to lure Godzilla into using his atomic ray on it.

[Godzilla looks and sounds the same way that he did in Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989)]

Godzilla fell for the trick, and the fire mirror sent Godzilla's ray back at it, forcing the monster to let up the attack for a few moments before the Super-X 2 fired more rockets and missiles at it. Godzilla managed to turn around for a for seconds, only to whack the Super-X 2 with his tail, sending it flying into the ocean, before it resurfaced and resumed its attack.

Godzilla snarled at the flying machine and glared at it with a force that could have destroyed an entire planet before firing his atomic ray again.

* * *

 

The following morning, Daria was at her post on the bridge, with Baby munching on her hair again. "I never thought I would be a mother so soon in life," she said as Jane and DeMartino came walking into the bridge.

"I'll give you two days extension, but it had better be finished by then, or your grade will depend entirely on my mood," DeMartino said as he and Jane walked over to Daria and Baby. "So... new pet?" Jane asked hesitantly. "It's my child," Daria replied in a false-proud tone.

"Really? Must've been a _strange_ pregnancy," Jane said. "Damn straight," Daria said flatly. "It was only over after I went back in time and laid that egg. I should have known that Allosaurus was only good for sex," Daria joked in monotone.

"Daria, the Allosaurus had three digits on its hands, while this creature has _four_ , with one of them being an opposable thumb!" DeMartino said as he carefully examined the dinosaur. It stopped munching on Daria's hair for a few seconds as it stared it him with a stupid expression.

"Um, you do realize that I was joking, right?" Daria asked him. "Yes, but I was just pointing out that-oh, never mind," DeMartino replied. Baby resumed munching on her hair.

Over at the other console, Captain Murphy was busy watching the news. " _Godzilla has already demolished the UN Naval Blockade, and the Super-X 2, while not entirely destroyed, is out of commission! The residents of Sealab... my god, they're defenseless. They'll all be killed if they don't evacuate soon,_ " the news anchor said before Murphy changed the channel.

The volume wasn't loud enough for the group around Baby to hear it.

* * *

 

Godzilla swam deeper and deeper, determined to reach that long, ancient hiding place that his kind once used for mating and guarding their eggs. Of course, given that the continents had changed dramatically since then, he could only hope that some portion of the nesting grounds had survived.

* * *

 

Later in the day, Dr. Quinn and Debbie had arrived at the bridge, hoping to study Baby and learn more about it. Murphy had left the bridge earlier but had returned alongside Dr. Quinn and Debbie.

"So, there's our newest crew member!" Debbie said as she placed a Sealab hat on Baby's head. It merely stood there with the same vacant and stupid expression on its face, along with its tongue hanging out.

Sparks rolled his eyes at the scene before his headset picked up something.

"What the?" Sparks asked as he picked up something on the radio. "Hey I'm getting a strange signal!" Sparks said. "Is it from a submarine or something?" Murphy asked him.

" _This is research sub number seventeen! There's something huge coming our way! It... it's enormous! Holy crap, look at the size of that thing!_ " "Come in research sub seventeen," Sparks said. Sparks took off his headset after a loud sound came over the speakers. It was like nothing he'd ever heard before.

Thirty minutes later, everyone on the bridge could see a large figure slowly making its way over to Sealab. It was swimming towards them, before slowly descending and landing two large feet on the ocean floor. "Holy _crap!_ " Captain Murphy exclaimed.

Godzilla had arrived. He stared at Sealab before slowly walking closer.

"Hey, it's the dead-beat father," Jane said.

Hesh's face appeared on a screen. " _Hey, we've got huge radiation readings coming from outside! Hesh is freaking out, man!_ " "Uh-huh, um Hesh, leave us alone," Captain Murphy said as he stared at the giant creature outside. "I bet that thing has ribs the size of a greyhound bus! If only I hadn't thrown out my BBQ sauce collection," Murphy lamented.

Stormy soon entered the bridge. "Hey, guys, what's going-woah!" Stormy exclaimed as he saw the great beast standing outside. Its tail slowly swayed back and forth.

Godzilla curled his lips into a snarl as he looked at the inhabitants of Sealab.

"Where did this thing come from!?" DeMartino cried. "Oh! I remember, something on the news earlier about a volcano and this guy running around the Pacific. It was boring so I didn't pay much attention," Murphy said nonchalantly.

"What!? You KNEW about THIS!?" DeMartino asked him. "Well, it was on the news, but it was so boring. The cooking channel was _much_ more entertaining! I learned a new recipe for caramel fudge brownies!" Murphy replied.

"Dammit, Captain! Once AGAIN, your STUPIDITY, NEGLIGENCE and INCOMPETENCE have gotten ALL OF US KILLED!" DeMartino exclaimed.

"Um, are you sure? I mean, he's just kind of... staring at us," Murphy pointed out. DeMartino turned to look out the windows and see that Godzilla was indeed staring at them, although he seemed to be _studying_ Sealab and its crew with the way his eyes glanced around.

"What... do we do?" Commander DeMartino asked. "Hmm, sea monsters usually accept maiden sacrifices to placate their wrath," Murphy said, looking at Daria. "Um, we need Daria as backup for Sparks," Dr. Quinn said. "Oh... maybe some waffles would suffice? No, too small for something that large," Murphy said.

"What about your Happy-Bake oven?" Jane suggested sarcastically. "What!? No! I need that oven! I _need_ my delicious cupcakes, freshly baked and piping hot from their forty-Wat womb!" Captain Murphy replied, one of his eyes twitching as he spoke.

"Um, okay, how about something else? Like Dolphin Boy, or Hesh," Jane suggested. "I don't know," Murphy said. "What if Dolphin Boy's fatness or Hesh's... Heshness anger the monster instead of pleasing it?" Murphy asked seriously. He glanced over and looked at Baby, noticing the physical similarities between Baby and Godzilla.

Suddenly, he smiled. "Wait... I know!"

* * *

 

"Um, why are we hanging steaks and pork chops around Baby's neck?" Dr. Quinn asked Captain Murphy. Murphy stared at Quinn for a few seconds. "Shut up," Murphy said.

* * *

 

"Okay, the airlock's been decompressed properly and Baby is now swimming out to the monster," Sparks said. "Look at it, would ya? It's like watching a baby fish swim into the mouth of a shark," Murphy said. Everyone turned to look at him.

Baby Godzilla swam forth and slowly, accidentally rammed into Godzilla's face several times, before the radiation kicked it's brain into gear and it began firing synapses. Suddenly, a monocle appeared over one of Baby's eyes, along with a mustache. Baby looked up at Godzilla, who nodded his head as Baby began to swim away from Sealab.

Godzilla, however, began to charge up his atomic ray. "I think he's going to thank us," Captain Murphy said as a blue glow emanated from Godzilla's back and mouth. Everyone gasped just as Godzilla let forth his atomic ray, destroying Sealab completely with three blasts. He then turned around and swam away.

* * *

 

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! I finally did it! I wrote a Daria/Godzilla crossover! Not only that, but it was also a Sealab/Godzilla crossover, and a Daria/Godzilla/Sealab crossover, all in one! I finally did it!
> 
> Also, please note that the alternate version of this story will only be available on PPMB, in the [daria swim] thread.


	11. Radio Gaga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Murphy manages to get Sealab its very own radio station.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC

Under Pressure [the song] is property of Queen, the band. Long live the memory of Freddie Mercury.

* * *

 

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 1-11: Under Pressure 

* * *

Date: Sunday, November 01, 2021 

"And that's what I've been doing in the months since then," Daria said. " _It seems like you've really learned a lot about responsibility, dear,_ " Helen said through the video-conference console. "Well, more than Quinn," Daria said. " _Now, Daria, don't be so quick to judge your sister. She is just as capable as you are,_ " Helen said.

Daria opened her mouth to speak, but her mother cut her off. " _Daria, just because Quinn doesn't show it outwardly doesn't mean that she isn't capable of being responsible or using her brain,_ " Helen said. "Yes, Mom," Daria said reluctantly.

Amy Barksdale quietly walked into the living room behind her niece. " _Oh, Amy! I didn't think you were up this early. Daria says that you usually get up later than she does,_ " Helen said. "Hmm, what else has she told you about me?" Amy asked with a smile.

" _Well, she mentioned that she thinks you're seeing someone, but she has refused to elaborate,_ " Helen said with a smile. She only got to talk to her daughters and sister like this once or twice a month. " _Come on, I have at least an hour left before the satellite is out of position,_ " Helen said.

"I'm... _friends_ with various members of the crew, some more friendly than others," Amy said reluctantly. " _And are any of them... close to you?_ " Helen asked eagerly. "Well, one of them _is_ rather close... as a friend. He's actually involved with the criminal justice system, in a way," Amy admitted. " _Oh, so it's a_ _ **he**_ _, eh?_ " Helen smirked. "Shut up," Amy said childishly before Quinn walked into the room behind her.

"Mom?" Quinn asked. " _Quinn!_ " Helen exclaimed happily. "Hi, Mom!" Quinn said to the screen. "Quinn, how have you and your sister been doing in school?" Helen asked her. "We've been doing okay. Aunt Amy makes sure that we do our homework every night, at least when she isn't busy fixing things around the station," Quinn replied.

" _Hey, Kiddo!_ " Jake said eagerly as his face appeared on the screen. " _What's it like living underwater?_ " he asked. "It's... kind of like being in the military, in a way," Daria said. " _You're civilians, though! Don't tell me you have horrible instructors like Corporal Ellenbogen!_ " "No, Jake, we have responsible-well, _mostly responsible_ personnel in charge, like Commander DeMartino," Amy said.

"So, what have you guys been up to this month?" Amy asked them.

* * *

 

Quinn Morgendorffer stood outside of Stacey Rowe's housing unit. The door slid open, revealing Stacey wearing her uniform. "Hey," Stacey said. "Hey," Quinn replied. "Hey," Stacey said again. "Hey," Quinn said again. "So... the forest dome in Pod 09?" Quinn asked her. "Yup," Stacey said with a smile. "And... afterwards?" Quinn asked with a blush. Stacey nodded her head, also with a blush.

"I brought the spray cans," Stacey said, patting her large purse. "And... after that?" Quinn asked her with a small smile. "Back here," Stacey said, locking eyes with Quinn. "All right, but first... breakfast at the diner," Quinn said. "You buying?" Stacey asked. "Sure, but don't eat too much. We have to stay hungry for this evening," Quinn said.

* * *

 

"Okay, Kevin, attach that cable slowly," Captain Murphy said as he looked at the three divers on the console screen in front of him. "Hello, free radio," Murphy whispered giddily as Kevin Thompson slowly performed his task. Captain Tornado Shanks and Tommy Sherman were also out there, connecting one of Sealab's communication cables to a world-running cables node.

" _It's locked into place,_ " Kevin reported. "Good, now get back here," Murphy replied. "Sparks, begin the birth of Sealab's own radio station!" Murphy said excitedly as he grabbed a microphone from Sparks. "Hello, sea-monkeys! This is Howling Mad Murphy on Sealab's first radio station! And I. Will. Be. Heard!"

"Hmm, when did you purchase the license for the station?" Sparks asked him. Murphy ignored him, prompting Sparks to shrug his shoulders. "We will now play our first song!" Murphy exclaimed as he took out a CD of various songs and inserted it into the CD player attached to Sparks' console.

Daria came walking into the bridge and sat down at her console just as music began playing over Sealab's speakers.

" _ **Pressure! Pushing down on me! Pressing down on you! No man has more!**_ "

"Um... Queen?" Daria asked rhetorically. "Hey, Morgendorffer! Today, Sealab is having a marathon! We'll be playing music all over the place on our new radio station!" Murphy explained to her. "We have a radio station?" Daria asked him. "We do now!" Murphy replied.

" _ **Under pressure! That burns a building down! Splits a family in two! Puts people on streets! Um ba-ba be. Eh de dah. That's okay! It's the terror of knowing what this world is about! Watching some good friends screaming, "Let me out!" Pray tomorrow gets me higher! Pressure on people, people on streets! Day day de. Mm hm.**_ "

* * *

All over Sealab, people were listening to the music and began to sing along with it. The power of Queen could not be stopped. It was immortal, eternal, and ever-lasting.

* * *

 

"Uh-oh," Shanks said as their submersible stopped moving forward properly. "What's wrong?" Tommy Sherman asked him. "Uh, there's a problem with the engine," Shanks said. "So, are we stuck out here?" Kevin asked him.

"Um, well, let's see if there are any repair tools for... oh, we're underwater right now. We'll need to get this baby back to Sealab in the first place before it can have the engine looked at," Shanks replied. "Oh, man. Tommy Sherman does not like this at all," Tommy Sherman said.

"Does the radio still work?" Kevin asked. "I think so," Shanks replied. "Well, don't worry too much. We'll all be back at Sealab by the end of the episode. If not, then definitely by the beginning of the next one. I'm sure of it," Shanks said.

Kevin and Tommy looked at him in confusion.

* * *

 

" _ **Chippin' around, kick my brains around the floor. These are the days it never rains but it pours. Eh do ba de. Ee da da ba bap! Um bo-bo! Be lop! People on streets! Ee da de da de! People on streets! Ee da de da de da de da! It's the terror of knowing what this world is about! Watchin some good friends screaming, "Let me out!"**_ "

Quinn and Stacey were both singing along to the song in the forest dome of Pod 09.

"Tomorrow, gets me higher and higher! Pressure on people! People on streets!" Stacey sang with her eyes closed.

"Turned away from it all, like a blind man! Sat on a fence, but it don't work," Quinn sang as she looked at the small animals running around the forest.

"Keep coming up with love, but it's so slashed and torn. Why?"Stacey sang.

"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!? Love love love love love!" Quinn and Stacey began singing together.

"Insanity laughs under pressure, were breaking! Can't we give ourselves that one more cha~ance!? One more chance!? Why can't we love that one more chance!?" they sang as they looked into each other's eyes.

"Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love? 'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word, and love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night, and love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves! This is our last dance! This is our last dance! This is ourselves! Under pressure! Under pressure," they sang without restraint.

"Pressure," Quinn and Stacey sang softly as the music died down, before pulling each other into a strong, passionate kiss.

* * *

 

"All right! Now, who's up for more from Howlin' Mad Murphy!?" Murphy asked into the microphone.

* * *

 

"Um, sir, we've just seen a ton of radio traffic coming form Sealab, but I checked their records, and something seems off," a worker of the FCC said to one of his bosses. "Let me see those records and that data," Mr. Boswell said. "It appears that they just started today. When did they get their license?" Boswell asked himself.

* * *

 

"Sixty-five bottles of beer on the wall!" Kevin sang for the hundredth time in a row. Tommy Sherman was just seconds away from placing his hands around the boy's throat when Shanks finally got through to Sealab's radio. "This is Captain Bellerophon Shanks. Our submersible has experienced mechanical failure and we are in need of assistance, or at least someone to tow us back to Sealab. Does anybody read me? Sealab? Please respond!"

* * *

 

" _Does anybody read me? Sealab? Please respond!_ " "Eh, next caller," Murphy said as he pushed a button. " _This is Thomas Boswell of the Federal Communications Commission, known as the FCC, and it appears that you boys are operating a radio station without a license. I am asking that you either submit the proper forms, electronically or physically, and pay for the license, or cease your operations immediately. If you do neither of these, I will be forced to reprimand you and take necessary legal action._ "

"Hmm, next caller," Murphy said after pressing a button.

" _Yes, um hello? This is Hesh Hepplewhite! Hesh works in the first reactor room for the old section of Sealab. Hesh wants some hood-style rap, yo!_ "

"Uh, I don't feel like growing a beard today. Or going bald," Murphy said. "Next caller!"

* * *

 

"Well," Boswell said as he prepared to head out to sea, "I warned them."

* * *

 

" _ **It's got what it takes, so tell me why can't this be love?**_ " boomed over the speakers of Sealab. Several crew members, including Commander DeMartino, were singing along with the music.

* * *

 

"So, are they gonna' send anybody to rescue us?" Kevin asked. Shanks frowned before turning to face Kevin and Stormy. "I...not right now. It'll be a while. Maybe after someone with a brain enters the bridge," Shanks said.

"Hey, that Daria chick is a brain, _and_ she works on the bridge after school!" Kevin exclaimed happily.

"Hey, yeah! We'll just switch to the channel and frequency for her console!" Shanks said.

"Tommy Sherman is so happy right now," Tommy Sherman said. "Wait. You said... after school," Tommy Sherman pointed out. "Does she work on Sundays?" he asked Kevin.

"Uhh... I don't know," Kevin replied sheepishly.

"Well, it's still worth a shot," Shanks said as he began fiddling with the radio.

* * *

 

"Okay, and your coordinates?" Daria asked. "Good. I'll send someone out as soon as possible," Daria said into her headset. " _Thanks, ma'am! You don't know how happy I am that you're working on the bridge today,_ " Shanks said over the radio.

"You're welcome," Daria replied flatly.

She waited a few minutes before calling someone to take a rescue sub out to retrieve the three football fanatics. No one responded, however. "Well, I guess I'll have to try again later," Daria said.

A few minutes later, she tried again, again with no luck. It seemed that Murphy's radio station was somehow blocking all of the other communication channels throughout the station.

"Dammit," she muttered as she left her seat. "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself," she said to herself in a disappointed tone as she exited the bridge. She was going to stop by Jane's place and drag her along though.

There was no way that she would willingly deal with the three football maniacs entirely on her own.

* * *

 

**An Hour Later...**

"Tommy Sherman is hungry," Tommy Sherman said. "Well, there are some pop-tarts in this cabinet," Shanks said as he pulled out a box of cherry-flavored pop-tarts. "Eww, those are cherry flavored!" Tommy and Kevin both said in disgust. "Well, your loss," Shanks said as he took out a package and began eating a pop-tart.

Tommy watched as Shanks ate his pop-tart, and his stomach growled. "Tommy Sherman will sacrifice his taste buds for the sake of survival," he said solemnly.

* * *

 

Thomas Boswell looked over the edge of the boat he was on. He looked back at the special package he had with him and smiled. "No license? We'll see about that," he said.

* * *

 

"This sub is kind of cramped," Tom Sloane said as he and Jane sat behind Daria as Amy Barksdale piloted the submersible in the direction of the football sub. "All subs are cramped. It's part of the design," Amy said.

"So, why exactly did you bring us for company if you already have your aunt with you?" Jane asked. "I need Amy to do the outside stuff while I communicate with them over the radio. I need you and Tom here for moral support. I'll be damned if I end up being outnumbered by those jocks if we have to bring them onto this sub," Daria explained.

* * *

 

" _ **Oh mama mia, mama mia! Mama mia, let me go! Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me! For mee! For meeeeeee!**_ " Everyone in Sealab was singing along with Bohemian Rhapsody, arguably one of _the_ greatest songs of any genre and of all time. Commander DeMartino was doing air guitar while the guitar parts were playing, and he didn't give a damn who saw him.

* * *

 

"Hold him down!" Shanks said to Tommy Sherman as they tried to force the starving Kevin to eat a cherry pop-tart. "No! Nooo! They're disgusting!" Kevin shouted. "You need to eat something! We don't know how long it will be until a rescue sub reaches us!" Shanks replied.

"Aren't there any blueberry flavored ones?" Kevin asked. "No, these were all that I could find," Shanks responded. "No! Nooo!"

"Hold still, or Tommy Sherman will bust your head open the way he used to bust poles in half with his own head, even if those weren't intentional," Tommy Sherman threatened. "You know," Tommy said, turning to Shanks, "If he doesn't want to eat, then that's more food for you and Tommy Sherman."

"Under normal circumstances, I would agree with you, but he's a minor! I can't let the death of a minor go on my record, especially not when I'm fully capable of preventing it! I'd get shot out of an airlock the moment we return to Sealab! Even if people don't think highly of the person who died, they'd still punish me based on principle alone!"

* * *

 

"This is Howlin' Mad Murphy! Who's our next caller!?" he asked. " _Once again, this is Thomas Boswell of the FCC. You have one more chance to comply by ceasing your operation or paying the fees and submitting the proper forms._ "

"Oh, go to hell," Murphy responded before pushing a button.

* * *

 

"Oh, so they don't want to play nice, eh? Well, I've got a pleasant little surprise for you boys!" Boswell shouted as he set the bomb. "Don't want to operate with a license? Fine, be that way," he cackled before pushing the bomb over the edge. He watched it drift down slowly. "This'll teach 'em to fuck with the FCC!"

After an hour of waiting, he called up Sealab's radio station.

* * *

 

" _Once again, this is Thomas Boswell of the FCC_."

"Can't this guy take a hint?" Murphy asked while shaking his head.

" _And I would just like to say to Sealab..._ _ **Rot in Hell!**_ "

A few minutes later, the bomb reached Sealab and detonated, destroying the facility.

* * *

 

"What the hell just happened?" Jane asked as she saw the bright light engulf Sealab. Shanks and Tommy were dragging an incapacitated Kevin into Daria's sub via the inter-connecting airlock hatches on the top of their sub and the bottom of hers.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about it," Shanks said. "This happens all the time."

* * *

 

Ending Theme: Don't Stop Me Now, by Queen.


	12. Stuck In The Closet With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Several members of Sealab's crew find themselves trapped in a supply closet with a malfunctioning door.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC

* * *

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 012: Stuck In The Closet With You 

* * *

Date: Friday, November 06, 2021 

"Look, I'm-I'm just gonna' lay my cards on the table. Maybe you'll think it sounds crazy, and who knows? Maybe I am crazy, but if this is crazy, babe, then I don't want to be sane. I'm in love with you, Wendy," Captain Murphy said. " _Oh, Captain! For so long, I have quivered at the thought of your lips on my crudely drawn mouth!_ " Marco said in a high pitched voice as he waved a bucket and mop with a crudely drawn face on it.

"Hey!" Murphy exclaimed. " _Your strong hands caressing my slender wooden body_ -" "Don't talk like that, you-you slut!" Murphy interjected. " _When we met, I was working as a... hooker mop, bedding down any filthy broom who laid down a peso for a bristle job!_ " Murphy then punched Bucket-Head Wendy and sent her flying out of Marco's hands and onto the floor.

"I warned her," Murphy said.

* * *

Sparks listened on his radio for any important communications while Amy Barksdale fixed a broken computer screen. "How come Barch never sends anyone but me over here when you guys call for maintenance?" Amy asked as she fit the screen back into place.

"I'm not complaining," Sparks commented. "You do a pretty good job." "Thanks," Amy said. After finishing the screen, however, there was nothing much left to do on the bridge. Amy sat at a console and spun around in the seat for a few minutes.

"So... anything important happening?" Amy asked Sparks. "Not today, it would seem," he replied. "Hmm... Has anyone been on the bridge today except us?" Amy asked him. "As far as I can tell, no," he replied, turning to look at her.

"So, in that case... want to go have sex in that closet?" Amy suggested. "Sorry, but I don't think I have any protection on me," Sparks replied. "Fair enough," Amy said. "Want to play a board game or something?" Amy suggested a few minutes later. "I think we have some in the closet," Sparks said.

"Which closet?" Amy asked. "The one to my right," Sparks said, pointing at Bridge Closet 1-A. "Which shelf would they be on?" Amy asked him. "Let's go look together," Sparks said as he got up from his seat and walked over to the closet with Amy.

Sparks opened the door and he and Amy walked in, only to see Marco and Captain Murphy standing in the middle of the small room with a bucket or mop on the floor next to them. " _Help me, he's an animal!_ " Marco called out in his Wendy voice.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Sparks asked as Amy walked over and looked at the mop. "You have no idea how happy we are that you're here!" Marco exclaimed. "See, the door's broken, and we've been trapped in here for three days," Marco explained.

"The door's not broken," Sparks said. "If it were, we would've notified maintenance, and Amy here would have fixed it already." Amy nodded her head. "Watch," Sparks said as he pushed the close button. "No, no!" Marco pleaded as the door closed behind Sparks.

"See? Now, just push this button and-" Sparks waited for the door to open, but it only produced a strained noise. "The-the door's broken!" he said in a panicked tone. "W-What the hell, man?" "We told you," Marco said. "It's okay," said Amy, "I have my tools with me." "All right!" Marco rejoiced. "Yup. They're right... out... there," Amy said with dawning realization. Marco frowned.

"Small space! Claustrophobic! I can't take this! It's like that holding cell!" Sparks cried in panic. "I-I gotta' get out of here! I gotta' get out of here!" he ranted. "Jodene, get a hold of yourself," Amy admonished as she grabbed him by the shoulders. "I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!"

"Knock it off! You're gonna be okay!" Amy said as she shook him before slapping him gently. "Here, let me!" Marco said as he moved Amy out of the way and began shaking Sparks. "Get a hold of yourself! You're gonna be okay!" he said, shaking Sparks roughly before slapping him in the face.

"Get out of the way," Murphy said as he pushed Marco to the side and grabbed Sparks by the shoulders, shaking him roughly. "Get a hold of yourself! You're gonna be okay!" he said before slapping Sparks twice. "I can't take it!" Sparks cried as his panic increased. "I said get a hold of yourself!" Murphy growled before sucker-punching Sparks, dropping him to the floor. "Jodene!" Amy cried as she knelt down beside him. "Well, I warned him," Murphy said.

"Damn! He's out cold," Marco said. "You throw a mean hook, Sir," Marco said as he turned to face Captain Murphy. "Well, when I was growing up, I lived in a rough neighborhood," Murphy said. "So, your dad got you boxing lessons?" Marco asked him.

"What? Oh, no. I just got beat up a lot, so whenever I get the chance, I like to sucker-punch people," Murphy explained. Marco nodded his head and looked over at Amy, who was still kneeling beside Sparks. "Hey, I just realized something," Marco said.

"Yeah?" Murphy asked him. "When Sparks came in here... he was _walking!_ " "Hey, you're right!" Murphy said in agreement. "He was standing up and everything," Marco said in amazement. "You guys have never seen him walk before?" Amy asked.

"Um... no, not really," Marco replied. "Yeah, before you started hanging around the bridge, he was always sitting down. He'd even modified that chair of his to work like one of those handicap people chairs," Murphy explained. "I'd always thought that he was, like, paraplegic or something," Marco said. "Yeah. It turns out, though, that he was just lazy," Murphy said. Marco nodded his head in silent agreement.

Amy sighed as she held Sparks' head in her lap. She had shifted around so that she was sitting on the floor now. "So...how did you guys get trapped in here in the first place?" Amy asked Marco and Captain Murphy. "Well, Captain Murphy here needed my help with getting a large box of supplies from in here. He didn't say what it was for, though," Marco explained.

"I can't remember what it was for either at this point," Murphy admitted. "So... how long until Daria's shift starts? I mean, she does have a shift scheduled for today, right?" Amy asked Captain Murphy. "Um, probably. Sparks would probably be the best person to ask... if he weren't sleeping right now!" Murphy responded.

"Hey, you knocked him out!" Amy retorted. "Oh yeah. I did, didn't I?" Murphy said thoughtfully. "Well, does anyone have a watch? We need to make sure we don't lose track of time," Marco said. "I think Sparks has one," Amy said as she rolled Sparks' right sleeve up to show his wrist-watch. "Yup, but it doesn't have the date on it. I can only hope that it's synchronized with the rest of Sealab's clocks," Amy said.

"Well, what time does it say?" Marco asked her. "It says 'one o'clock'," Amy replied as she looked at the little hands on the watch. "Well, school should be over in the next two hours or so, provided that watch is synced properly. Amy, turn off the lights. I'm gonna catch some Z's until your niece begins her shift. Then we can holler and shout for her to help us," Marco said. "Sure, might as well," Amy replied as she shifted around to hit the light switch.

"Wait, niece? Female Quinn isn't part of the bridge crew," Captain Murphy said in confusion. "I was referring to her other niece, Daria," Marco said. "What? I thought Daria was her daughter," Murphy said. "No, she's my niece," Amy said.

"Oh. But, eh, she looks and acts so much like you," Murphy said. "I know. You're not the first person to make that mistake, but I would have at least thought that after hearing our different last names for so long, you would have figured it out," Amy said.

"Um, well, I thought that she had taken on her father's last name," Murphy admitted. Amy raised and eyebrow. "I thought you were a divorced couple or something." "Captain, come on. Daria's mother and father got sent to a ground-side facility because of a screw-up by the transfer people," Marco explained. "Oh. Oops," Murphy said.

"Captain? Just get some sleep," Amy said in the darkness. "Alright, whatever. I'm tired anyway," Murphy said.

* * *

Quinn Morgendorffer took a deep breath as she activated the doorbell of Housing Unit 21-AA-0034. Kay Sloane opened the door and greeted her. "Elsie's getting her voice modulator attached right now. Why don't you come inside and have a seat at the kitchen table," Kay offered. Quinn nodded her head and entered the housing unit.

Under normal circumstances, she would have brought Stacey along with her for studying, but the last time Stacey had been around Elsie Sloane, about two months earlier, she had... heard the girl's true voice.

It had taken a month for Stacey to become stabilized in the infirmary, thanks to Dr. Virjay's efforts. Quinn didn't want a repeat of that incident to occur. Of course, she wasn't immune to Elsie's voice either, but she had a somewhat greater resistance to its effects than Stacey did. Besides, she had brought ear-plugs with her in case Elsie's voice modulator malfunctioned.

" _ **Hello, Quinn,**_ " Elsie said through her voice modulator as she entered the kitchen. Quinn laid her books and papers on the table. " _ **You came prepared,**_ " Elsie noted. Quinn nodded her head. " _ **Good. Let us begin,**_ " Elsie stated.

* * *

Amy lifted her head when she heard voices from outside of the room. She adjusted Sparks' head as the door slid open and Daria walked in, turning on the lights. "Daria!" Amy exclaimed. "Amy? What are you doing in here with Commander Sparks?" Daria asked her. "We've been trapped in here for over two hours," Amy said.

"Trapped, _right_ ," Daria said in a disbelieving tone. "Amy, I live with you, and I expect you to respect me enough to be honest with me," Daria admonished. "I know that you're having a relationship with Commander Sparks. Now, why don't you just admit it?" Daria asked her.

"Daria, now is not the time," Amy replied firmly. "If not now, then when?" Daria asked her. "Look, I'm not upset by you having a relationship; I just want you to be honest with me about these things," Daria said. "Daria, please," Amy started. "Amy, he's asleep, and we're alone in this closet," Daria said, not noticing the two men sleeping in sitting positions by some crates.

"If you're worried about privacy, then I'll close to door," Daria said as she pushed the close button. "Daria, no!" Amy cried, surprising her niece, but it was too late. The closet door had already slid shut. "Dammit, Daria. The door's broken," Amy said.

"Um... what?" Daria asked her. "I said... the door is broken. We've been trapped in here for over two hours. Well, Sparks and I have been trapped in here for two hours. Marco and Captain Murphy have been trapped longer," Amy explained. "Captain Murphy and Marco?" Daria asked. Amy gestured over to the crates where the two men were still sleeping.

"Daria... you were our best hope for getting out of here," Amy said with disappointment at her niece's actions. "Oh," Daria said ashamedly. "I'm... I'm sorry," Daria said as she sat down across from her aunt.

"Well, since everyone else is still asleep, I guess we _could_ discuss some things," Amy said. "Okay, then let's get your relationship with Commander Sparks out in the open," Daria said. "Okay, fine, I've been having a sort of... intimate, more-than-friends type relationship with Jodene Sparks. We've only had sex twice, though. Well, okay, a few times on two different nights," Amy admitted.

"You aren't bothered by the fact that he's a convict?" Daria asked. "Eh, not really. He's more of a crazy schemer than a thug," Amy replied. "So... the other weekend, you went out with Jane and Tom for a whole day and didn't come back home until late the next morning. Care to tell me about it?" Amy asked. "We went to Grizzlebee's, then walked around Sealab. Then we... went to Jane's place," Daria said, blushing.

"And..." Amy asked. "And, we, um, we... wehadathreesome," Daria said quickly. "Could you say that again... slowly this time," Amy asked her niece.

* * *

"I swear, I have to do all the work around here!" Janet Barch complained as she dragged Timothy O'Neil behind her. "Isn't Lieutenant Barksdale supposed to be working in this section of Sealab today?" O'Neil asked her.

"She should be, but she isn't responding on her beeper," Janet said as she stalked over to the bridge. Looking around, she saw Amy Barksdale's toolkit lying on a table. Amy was nowhere to be seen. Neither were Sparks or Daria, for that matter.

She looked over and saw the closet door that had just been marked by maintenance after a system check showed that it wouldn't respond properly. "Well, if no one's here..." she trailed off as she grabbed O'Neil and started kissing him. "J-Janet!" he gasped as she dragged him over to the closet with her. She started to unclasp her tool-belt, mistaking it for a different belt.

"Don't worry, Skinny, I've got my tools with me," Janet said as she opened the door and stepped inside backwards, not realizing that her tool-belt had fallen off. Only a single screwdriver had rolled onto the floor inside the closet, unnoticed by everyone as Timothy O'Neil stared wide-eyed at the five people already in there.

He pointed behind Janet and she turned around. "Um... we were just coming in to get some supplies!" Janet said as she pushed herself away from O'Neil. He accidentally backed into the close button. Janet didn't notice the door sliding shut, but Daria watched it with a look of despair on her face.

"Oh, Daria, what's wrong?" O'Neil asked as he saw the girl's face. "The door... is broken," Daria replied. "Well of course it's broken! That's why I brought my toolkit here to fix it myself, since Lieutenant Barksdale here has apparently decided that she'd rather spend all day playing _Hide The Sausage_ with Commander Sparks!" Barch screeched.

"You brought your toolkit?" Amy asked with hope in her voice. "Of course I did!" Barch yelled, waking up Marco and Captain Murphy. "Oh, Lieutenant Commander Barch, what are you doing here?" Marco asked her. "I'm _fixing_ this door!" Janet answered aggressively.

"Yes! Um... with what?" Marco asked. "With my tool-belt, obviously!" Barch said in a disgusted manner. "What tool-belt?" Daria asked her. " _This tool-belt!_ " Barch shrieked as she pointed at her waist. "You wear it under your uniform?" Marco asked her.

"No! It's right here on... my... uh-oh. Skinny, where's my tool-belt?" Janet asked O'Neil. "Um, I know that you had it on when you were... _dragging me_ over to the closet," O'Neil replied nervously. "Uh-huh, so where is it now?" Janet asked him.

"I don't know," O'Neil said.

* * *

" _Help me!_ " Kevin's voice cried from outside the door. "Keep the door closed! Keep it closed!" Quinn shouted as she, Kay, and Elsie pushed a table in front of the door to housing unit 21-AA-0034. "Where did they come from!?" Kay shrieked as she heard the sounds of the ravenous beasts outside. "My telepathy won't work on those animals!" Kay shrieked as she tried in vain to reach out to the monsters outside the door.

* * *

"Well, that's just great!" Amy exclaimed. "Shut up, tramp," Barch retorted. "Like you're one to talk," Daria said quietly. "Oh, what the?" Sparks asked as he woke up. "Sparks, it's about time!" Amy said. Sparks sat up and moved out of Amy's lap. "Where am-oh god! Small space! No way out! Lots of people! Sucking up the air!" he exclaimed.

"Dammit, not this again," Marco muttered as he walked over to the hysterical man in Amy's arms. "Sparks, you're gonna-" "Enough!" Daria said with a slightly raised voice. "Let's calm down and look around us for something that we can use to get out of here."

"There should be a box of-" "Flares! Flares!" Sparks exclaimed in desperation. "We-we can start a fire, and then the smoke alarms will go off, and then we'll get rescued! And then we can breathe!" "I saw a gas can in here somewhere," Marco said. "Who's got a lighter?" Janet asked.

"Yeah," Daria began, "We won't even get to die of _smoke inhalation_ before the oxygen tanks over there _explode_ and blow us through the roof." "Great idea!" Marco said. "We'll use those oxygen tanks to blow us out of here!" "Come on, people!" Amy said in an exasperated tone. "You _know_ that Sealab is prone to massive explosions!"

"I thought only Captain Shanks paid attention to that kind of stuff," Marco muttered. "Yeah, this place is a freaking bomb on stilts," Sparks said in agreement. "You know, if I had a nickel for every-oh my god, I'm claustrophobic! We gotta get out of here!" Sparks shouted before Daria slapped him in the face. "Get a hold of yourself," she said firmly.

"Hey, I've got a plan," Captain Murphy said as he dove to the floor and grabbed Bucket-Head Wendy. "Okay, we can use Bucket-Head Wendy!" Murphy exclaimed proudly as he stood up.

"We'll use a bucket and mop to open the door?" O'Neil asked as he touched the bucket. "Get your man-hooks off my woman!" Murphy shouted as he punched O'Neil. "Skinny!" Barch exclaimed as she caught him. "Now, what did you expect, Wendy? Dressing up like that and being more of a tramp than Janet-ah!" Murphy exclaimed as Janet socked him.

"Come on guys, knock it off!" Amy pleaded. "Fine," Janet said as she went back over to O'Neil's side and carefully sat him against a stack of crates. Captain Murphy was nursing his left eye before he looked back as his subordinates.

"Now, as I was saying, we get the lovely Wendy here to use her irresistible siren song and lure in unwitting mariners into the closet! Then, we shanghai 'em, and force _them_ to think of a plan to get us out of here!" Murphy explained, proud of himself. Janet glared at Murphy as O'Neil slowly came to. "Ouch," he muttered quietly.

"Um, if the door's going to open when they come in, couldn't we just leave then?" Marco suggested. Murphy scowled and then punched him, but his chin absorbed the impact. "Ah, damn, your chin is like a rock!" Murphy said in pain. "I-I think my hand's broken," he muttered. Janet smirked.

"Hey, I found a screwdriver on the floor," Daria said as she picked up Janet's screwdriver. She looked over at a toolbox right behind a cardboard box of light bulbs. _That was in here the whole time? Dammit!_ She reached over and pulled the toolbox up and over onto the floor.

"Okay, I'll use these tools to fix the door," Amy said as she took the toolbox from Daria. "Oh sure, shoot down all of my suggestions, why don'tcha'? Hey, Barksdale, why don't you call Bruce Springsteen and tell him to get a new nickname, since you're already The Boss!? Huh? Why don't you do that!? Yeah!" Murphy exclaimed.

"I'm going to fix the door now," Amy said through gritted teeth as she walked over to the control panel of the door and began tinkering with it. "You know, we really should get some plants in here, to make more oxygen," Sparks said in a quiet but frantic tone. "Oh please, where would we put them?" Marco asked him.

"Under the lights!?" Sparks replied. "Would you guys, please _shut up!?_ " Amy asked as she looked away from her task. "Oh, sure! God forbid anyone dare speak while the mighty _Amy_ is doing her plan. Noo! You don't want to incur the wrath of Amy Barksdale!" Murphy retorted. "Thou shalt have no other gods before Amy Barksdale! Mighty Amy! Big Amy! Amy good gorilla! Amy is... um... is..."

Amy stopped and glared back at Captain Murphy. "Do you want this door open, or not?" she asked him in a clearly aggravated tone. "I do," Murphy replied after a few seconds of silence.

"Okay then. Let me work," Amy said as she returned to her task. "Okay," Murphy said.

A few seconds later, the door slid open, only to reveal a pack of hungry, drooling, and vicious pit bulls and other dogs growling and staring at the people in the closet. Stormy and Commander Li were peeking into the bridge from one of its doors.

"Aah! Close the door! Close the door!" everyone shouted at Amy. She quickly complied and the door slid shut. "What the hell!?" Janet screeched. "Dios Mio!" Marco exclaimed. "Where did all those dogs come from!?" Amy cried.

"Oh, yeah. Now I remember," Captain Murphy said. "Remember what?" Amy asked him suspiciously. "Uh, well, you know how some people rescue greyhounds? I mean, from the track?" "Captain, those were _not_ greyhounds," Daria pointed out. "Of course not, I don't like greyhounds. Too pointy. So, anyway, I rescued some fighting dogs from Guatemala," he replied.

"What!?" O'Neil asked him. "Yeah! Tough guys, too. Real killers," Murphy said. "What the hell were you thinking, man!?" Sparks asked him, before Amy clasped her hands over his mouth to stop Murphy from retaliating. "Anywho, I came down here to get them some food," Murphy explained. "They haven't been fed for _three days!?_ " Marco asked in disbelief and terror.

"Uh, well, more like ten, actually. Hehe, I kept forgetting," Murphy said nervously. "We're trapped in here!" Janet exclaimed. "Yes," Murphy said. "Yes, we are. _But_ , it could be worse!" he added. "How!?" Amy asked him. "How could this possibly be any worse!?" "Well, we could be out _there_ , like _Stormy_ and _Commander Li_ ," Murphy said.

* * *

[Montage begins of Stormy and Angela Li trying to escape the dogs. Instrumental music plays.]

Stormy and Angela run through the hallways of Sealab.

The dogs chase after them.

Angela pounds on a door, but it won't open. She looks over her shoulder and runs away.

Stormy hides behind a potted plant as several dogs run past him. He gets up and runs in the opposite direction.

Cut to shot of Angela running away from the dogs on a catwalk, with the dogs close on her heels, barking and snarling.

Stormy turns a corner while running, only to run back the way he came as several dogs chase him. He runs into another corridor as both packs of dogs group together.

Angela runs through a hallway, passing the mostly skeletal corpse of Kevin Thompson, with only his shoulder pads giving any clue to the bloody skeleton's identity.

Cut to a shot of a dog standing on its hind legs and dancing to an unheard tune.

Stormy opens a door to an otherwise empty room, only for a dog to appear. Stormy closes the door and runs away.

Angela runs to an open door, but it closes on her. She pounds on it before the sound of barking dogs draws near.

She tries to run but the dogs corner her.

Stormy runs through a hallway, with several dogs close behind.

Angela offers a dog treat to the canines surrounding her, and then they all pounce at once. She is violently ripped to shreds, with the dogs' bodies obscuring the gore, while blood spills onto the floor around them.

Stormy runs into a corner but is trapped by the dogs. His uniform is in tatters. He stares at them as they attack. He has a look of shock and terror on his face as he shakes and is dragged below the screen. His hand shoots up a for a few seconds, before it too is pulled down as the dogs devour him. His death is off-screen.

[Montage ends.]

* * *

Later on, Captain Murphy stood in front of his bed, with a mustache on his face, while Bucket-Head Wendy lied on the bed. "Do you want the mustache on or off?" he asked the mop. He received no response. "Too bad," he said.

* * *

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally going to have it be Stormy and Kevin running from the dogs, but I soon realized that Angela Li was far more deserving of this fate than Kevin. Besides, who hasn't wanted to write about something like that happening to Miss Dictator? I wrote Kevin's corpse in there as a little carry-over from the original plan. For the curious, Kevin's shoulder pads prevented him from getting through an open door in time, and the room's residents weren't going to take any risks.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the craziness of this episode, because the next one is going to have a very different tone from the usual Daria/Sealab stories. Be sure to leave reviews for episodes that you like!


	13. Terror Under The Sea!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When contact with a research submarine is lost, a search and rescue mission is mounted by Sealab. When the rescue team returns to Sealab, however, they discover that something else has returned with them, and it isn't friendly.

Strap yourselves in, because this is going to be a long one.

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

 

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand-stand on my ne-neck_

_Then-Then-Then you'd better check un-un-un-under the sea_

_Cause that is-is-is-is where you'll find-find me_

_Underneath the-the Sea_ \- Transmission Error

Transmission Error

Transmission Error

Transmission Error

* * *

Episode 1-13: Terror Under The Sea! 

* * *

Date: Saturday, November 14, 2021 

Daria Morgendorffer opened her eyes groggily as she climbed out of bed. She slowly made her way into the bathroom to freshen up before making her way into the kitchen, where her aunt, Amy, was already sitting down. "Quinn up yet?" Daria asked sleepily.

"Nope," Amy replied after sipping her coffee. She looked up from her data tablet to see her niece taking a seat at the table. "Want some coffee?" she asked her. Daria nodded her head tiredly. Amy got up and walked over to the cupboard to pull out some coffee grounds and filters.

"What flavor would you like?" Amy asked Daria. "What's still there?" Daria asked her in return. "Well, let's see what your friend Jane _didn't_ exterminate during her frenzy the last time she was here. Hazelnut, Dark Roast, French Vanilla and some Original regular flavor," Amy replied. "I'll... French Vanilla," Daria said tiredly.

"When did you go to bed last night?" Amy asked her as she prepared the coffee. "Don't remember," Daria said. "Hmm. Got any plans for today?" Amy asked her. "Um... go to work on the bridge. Come back, and sleep," Daria replied. "No seeing Jane and Tom for pizza somewhere? No pizza? No Jane? Just go to work, come home and sleep?" Amy asked her curiously.

"Did that yesterday," Daria mumbled in response. "Really? Tell me about it then," Amy requested.

* * *

  **The Bridge, Pod-01  
**

"Okay people, listen up," Captain Hank Murphy said as he stood in front of several Sealab crew members on the bridge. They were gathered around a large conference table. Sitting at the table were Commander Anthony DeMartino, Daria Morgendorffer, Amy Barksdale, Jodene Sparks, Marco Rodriguez, Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III, Debbie Dupree, Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn, Derek "Stormy" Waters, Commander Angela Li, Lieutenant Tommy Sherman, Lieutenant Commander Janet Barch, and Dr. Ilad Virjay.

"I called all of you here because one of our research subs has gone missing. Debbie here will explain the situation," Murphy finished. "Ahem, at twenty-one forty, last night, a deep-sea research sub, with a crew of five, went missing about four nautical miles south-east of here, near a series of as-of-yet unexplored caverns, near a trench," Debbie explained.

"This trench is currently marked for exploration, and the sub was beginning the scouting phase of the research operation. The sub's ID is DS6-WY-LV426-F161. The highest ranking officer on board the sub is Lieutenant Marianne Scarpelli," Debbie stated.

Daria raised her hand. "Yes, Lieutenant Morgendorffer?" Debbie asked her. "You guys sent a _manned submersible_ into depths that haven't been properly explored yet? What's the water pressure in that region?" Daria asked. "Um, well-" "Lieutenant Morgendorffer raises an EXCELLENT point," Commander DeMartino stated.

"In an as of yet _UNEXPLORED REGION_ , an _un-manned_ research probe or RV would have been a more _logical_ and _safe_ option," he stated. "Yes, I must agree with Commander DeMartino," Commander Li said. "Sending a manned research vessel into a location with unknown water pressure and other variables is _extremely_ dangerous."

"Well," Debbie said, "The thing is... we _did_ send an unmanned probe into that region. The manned sub was there to deploy the probe and retrieve it. However, something went wrong with the probe, and the sub went silent after sending a message stating that they were attempting to retrieve it."

"This message... did it explain what went wrong?" Dr. Quinn asked Debbie. "Well, it didn't go into a lot of detail, but it did give a basic outline of the situation," Debbie replied as she retrieved a data tablet and connected it to a computer terminal. The TV on the wall was selected as the main screen for showing the data.

" _This_ is why I installed that thing for you, Captain," Amy said quietly. " _Not_ for Chopper Dave."

"Here we go," Debbie said as the information from the tablet was displayed on the TV screen. Everyone turned to watch.

[Message Received: 021:40:14 Hours]

[From...Lt. Scarpelli, on board Research Sub Deep Star 06]

[To...Sealab Mission Control]

Un-manned probe has suffered mechanical failure. Exact cause unknown.

Last recorded pressure readings not high enough to destroy probe.

Preparing for investigation of probe.

Last recorded data received from probe has been archived on backup drives stored in water-proof safe. Beginning mission to retrieve probe in 10:00 minutes.

[End Message]

"Well, that was riveting," Sparks commented. Amy gently elbowed him.

"So, there's been no response in the last twelve hours?" Daria asked Debbie. "That is correct," Debbie replied. "So...who's going out to find them?" Upchuck asked. "The team will consist of myself, Stormy, and you, Lieutenant Ruttheimer," Debbie replied. "Me?" Upchuck asked her. "Yes," she replied.

"Lieutenant Ruttheimer, you _do_ know how to pilot a submersible, correct?" Debbie asked him. "Well, I passed the basic training course, so...yes, but I haven't had to operate one since that time," Upchuck replied tentatively. "Good. You'll be Stormy's backup," Debbie said.

"When do we set out?" Upchuck asked her. "At eleven hundred hours today. Get yourself ready and meet up with Stormy and me in the sub bay in ninety minutes," Debbie said to him.

"Yes, ma'am," Upchuck said reluctantly. "Alright. Lieutenant Morgendorffer will maintain contact with Lieutenant Commander Dupree's sub while Commander Sparks will maintain contact with Marco and Dr. Quinn's submersible, which will be going alongside Debbie's sub," Captain Murphy said.

"Commander Li, you will be required to ensure that nobody uses the vehicle bay until this operation has been completed," Murphy said. "Commander DeMartino, you'll be going with Dr. Quinn and Marco. Dr. Virjay... um, help us when, err, if we bring back survivors," Murphy said.

"Okay then, everyone get ready."

* * *

Debbie Dupree looked out the windows of the submersible as she watched the various marine life go about their daily lives. Upchuck adjusted the acoustical equipment of the research sub carefully, as specified on the notes that Debbie had given him. Derek "Stormy" Waters was piloting the sub.

Upchuck had been nervous about being in a submersible piloted by Stormy of all people, but Debbie had assured him that piloting a submersible was the one thing that Stormy could do efficiently without majorly screwing up. Upchuck trusted her judgement, but he had insisted on bringing a spare wet-suit and air-tank, just in case.

"So," Stormy began, "What was the last known location that research team Four-B reported from?" "The grid coordinates are right there on the dash, Stormy," Debbie said as she watched a deep-sea dolphin, a type bred specifically by Sealab, swim by. Upchuck listened with fascination as Stormy behaved in a competent manner.

 _She's right_ , he thought, _he actually knows what he's doing for once. Sort of like Kevin Thompson when he plays football, only with important knowledge about math and directions involved_. "Doo-do-doo!" Stormy whistled while piloting the submersible to their destination.

"We're approaching the sub's last known coordinates," Stormy said as they neared the trench. A few minutes later, they were at the edge of the cliff overlooking the trench. "It looks kind of spooky," Stormy said. Upchuck used the sub's optical equipment to search for the missing research vessel.

"Hey, I think I see our missing sub," Upchuck said. "What's the ID code on it?" Debbie asked him. "Um, don't you mean serial number?" Upchuck asked her. "Whatever, as long as we can identify it," Debbie said. "Um... it's... DS6-WY-LV426-F161," Upchuck said.

"That's the ID of the sub that we're searching for, right?" Stormy asked Debbie. "Yes. Yes it is," Debbie said solemnly. "Should we move in closer?" Stormy asked her. "No, not just yet. Try radioing them," Debbie said.

"Come in, Deep Star, this is Sealab. Come in, Deep Star, this is Sealab. Do you read me? Please respond," Upchuck said into the radio. There was no response. He tried again for another ten minutes, with each passing moment of silence only adding to an ominous sense of dread building up within everyone.

"Debbie," Upchuck said, "I don't think they're going to respond. I don't think we made it in time." "Well, we still haven't investigated the sub itself yet. They could just have malfunctioning equipment," Debbie said, trying to sound hopeful. No one was convinced, not even Stormy.

" _This is Rescue Sub 02,_ " DeMartino's voice said over the radio. "Rescue Sub number two, this is Rescue Sub 01. We have located Deep Star. We have attempted to make radio contact, with no success," Upchuck said into the radio.

" _What is the physical condition of Deep Star?_ " DeMartino asked. "We have not yet begun an thorough investigation of the sub," Upchuck replied. " _Understood. We will prepare an unmanned probe to search the sub. We are not going to go in ourselves until we have ascertained the extent of the sub's depth,_ " DeMartino said. "Affirmative," Upchuck said.

* * *

 "There... see that?" DeMartino said as he and the others watched the video feed from the probe as it glided over the immobile form of the Deep Star, which was resting on a ledge down in the trench, just outside of a wide opening to a cave. "Yeah. It's a hull rupture," Marco said. "The pressure at that depth is... not enough to cause a rupture, especially not for a sub built like Deep Star," Marco stated as he looked at the pressure-meter displayed on the monitor.

"Radio Dupree. Tell her what we've found," DeMartino said to Dr. Quinn. "Come in RS-One, this is RS-Two," Dr. Quinn said. " _This is RS-One. We read you, RS-Two. What have you found?_ " Debbie asked over the radio. "Deep Star appears to have suffered a hull rupture. We're going to start preparing for an internal investigation after the probe completes its sweep," Dr. Quinn said.

" _Understood. We'll be standing by, over,_ " Debbie said over the radio. "Okay, keep moving the probe forward," Dr. Quinn said as he turned to look at the monitor. "Do you think that depth and pressure are safe for someone in a diving suit?" DeMartino asked Dr. Quinn. "Maybe for an atmospheric diving suit," Dr. Quinn replied.

"Did we bring one with us?" DeMartino asked him. "Yes, but Debbie's sub should have one in it as well," Dr. Quinn replied. "So, which one of us will be joining which one of them?" DeMartino asked him.

* * *

"Okay, now make sure that the inner airlock door is sealed at least three minutes before you open the other one," Debbie said from inside the atmospheric diving suit, or ADS, in the sub's tiny airlock. Each of Sealab's medium-sized small subs had a basic airlock, which was right behind the cockpit.

"Understood," Upchuck said as he watched the airlock doors close shut between him and Debbie Dupree. She had insisted on going out herself. After the airlock was ready, Debbie opened the outer hatch and exited the sub. She waved over at the other ADS user heading towards her.

" _Hey, gorgeous, what's up?_ " Dr. Quinn asked from his ADS. "Come on, let's get moving," Debbie replied as the two began their journey towards Deep Star.

* * *

 Debbie moved silently through the water-filled compartments of Deep Star. She'd already found two drowned members of the crew after entering an inner airlock between compartments. The entire sub had been flooded.

"I guess... there was nothing we could have done," Debbie said solemnly as she surveyed the control room of the sub. Lieutenant Scarpelli was floating in the water in front of her with, strangely enough, a knife in her hands. That was odd.

"Hey, Quinn... why is she holding a knife?" Debbie asked him. "I don't know. A knife can't hurt water," he replied. "Come on, let's find that black-box and the data kept in the safe. We need to at least take that much back with us before leave," Debbie said as they pushed forward to grab the safe from its hiding place.

"There," Debbie said as she managed to pull the safe from its hold. "Okay, now we can get the black box and leave," she said. "Wait, shouldn't we also try to get the probe as well?" Dr. Quinn asked her as she moved towards him. "Hmm, you're right. It _would_ give us more information on what happened. You go look for the probe while I get the black box," Debbie said.

"Understood," Dr. Quinn said as he turned around and exited the room. He carefully made his way through the corridors of sub, before he finally reached the room where the probe was held. The final two crew members were in there.

"Damn," Dr. Quinn said as he grimaced at the sight. He quickly went to work retrieving the probe, before he noticed that one of the crew members looked... strange. Something about the way he looked just seemed... _different_ from a normal drowning victim.

Dr. Quinn grabbed the probe and made his way back to meet up with Debbie.

* * *

 "And _why_ did he have to go back for a second trip?" Commander DeMartino asked irritably as the sounds of the airlock flushing out water died down. "He said he wanted to gather some of the bodies. I guess he wanted to give them funerals or something," Marco replied.

After another ten minutes, Dr. Quinn finally entered the cockpit. "Okay, we can return to Sealab." "Good," DeMartino said. "This place is giving me the creeps."

* * *

 "So, when do we send out a proper towing team to get the sub?" Amy asked as the crew once again assembled around the conference table on the bridge. "We'll do that later today or some time tomorrow. Right now, I want to examine one of the bodies we brought back," Dr. Quinn replied.

"Dr. Virjay can handle that, Dr. Quinn," Captain Murphy said. "Yes, but I would like to help. I did, after all, bring them back. Something about one of the bodies seems... unusual, and I'd like to see if maybe we could gain some clues as to what happened," Dr. Quinn responded.

"Very well, Dr. Quinn will lead the examination of the bodies alongside Dr. Virjay. _But_ ," Captain Murphy stressed, "I want this done in a strictly professional manner."

"Understood, sir," Dr. Quinn replied. "Lieutenant Sherman will assist you," Murphy stated. "Now, the towing operation will begin tomorrow, with Marco leading the team to retrieve Deep Star. Lieutenant Commander Barch will assist Debbie in overseeing the retrieval of data from the probe," Murphy said.

"Sparks and Morgendorffer will... do whatever they normally do," Murphy said. "Okay," Daria replied. "Lieutenant Barksdale will be assisting Dupree and Barch with the towing of Dark Star back to Sealab tomorrow, and Commander DeMartino and I will be reviewing certain policies revolving around our exploration vessels and protocols," Murphy said.

"What about me?" Stormy asked. "You and Ruttheimer will be assisting the towing tomorrow," Murphy replied. "The rest of you are dismissed to your normal duties."

* * *

**Inside The Infirmary In Pod 04**

"Dr. Quinn, the states of these bodies are all clearly indicative of drowning. I do not see any point in continuing this examination," Dr. Virjay said after removing the bodies from the black bags that had been transported in. "And there is seawater on my tables and floor. I do not appreciate this at all," Virjay complained.

"Just look at the last one," Dr. Quinn said. "Fine," Virjay said reluctantly. "Okay, not what... what the?" Virjay asked as he looked at the body. Dr. Quinn moved his hands over the dead man's chest. "Feel his chest," Dr. Quinn said. Dr. Virjay placed a hand on the man's chest. "There's a beat of some kind. Feel it?" Dr. Quinn asked.

"Yes. But... that is not a heartbeat," Virjay said. "It's... too irregular." "Hook him up," Dr. Quinn said. "Let's check his vitals." "What vitals? He's dead. The irregular pulse could be trapped water or an air bubble in his lungs," Virjay said. "I'm not so sure," Quinn replied.

After hooking up the vital-signs machine (as Stormy often called it), Dr. Quinn and Virjay listened with fascination as the beat within the man's chest increased in tempo and frequency. Soon, there was an odd noise, and both men looked at his chest to see his skin pulsing. "What the hell?" Quinn asked, his amazement slowly being replaced by fear.

Soon, a lump began to form around the pulse, and the man's skin started to stretch as it grew. "Dear god!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed as a whitish carapace slowly broke through the skin. "What the hell!?" Tommy Sherman exclaimed as he entered the infirmary.

* * *

 " _Attention, this is Dr. Quinn. We have enacted quarantine in the Med Bay. All paths leading to the infirmary and surrounding areas will be locked down in sixty seconds,_ " Dr. Quinn shouted over the intercom. " _For your safety, please remain in your rooms and do not attempt to enter the Med Bay._ "

"Oh, that's just lovely," Daria muttered as she heard Dr. Quinn's broadcast. "Just what the hell did they do with those bodies to require a quarantine?" Sparks asked out loud. "Do we _really_ want to know?" Daria asked him.

"Usually, no, but Dr. Quinn rarely ever invokes the quarantine lock-down, which means that something serious is going on," Sparks replied. "What usually happens during a medical quarantine in Sealab?" Daria asked him.

"Well, from what I _do know_ , usually the infirmary and the immediate surrounding corridors are locked down. The emergency air filters also start up as the ones connected to the rest of the station get blocked and shut down. The Med Bay has its own set of air filters and life support system, independent of the rest of Sealab, specifically for an emergency situation where a quarantine would be enacted," Sparks explained.

"How will they get out of there?" Daria asked him. "They won't, at least until the quarantine is lifted, or if it spreads to outer areas. When that happens, the entire pod will become locked and all lifts and tunnels leading to the other pods will be blocked off," Sparks said. "What if someone tries to enter without authorization?" Daria asked.

"The transportation tunnels connected from that pod to the others will become flooded with water. They won't be purged until the whole quarantine has been lifted. Anyone trying to leave will have to use the airlocks and either have a wet suit or a submersible," Sparks explained.

"Has this happened before?" "Only once. I don't know all the details, but nobody was able to enter or leave Pod 04 for at least a week," Sparks replied.

"Um, Sparks? The Med Bay in Pod 04... is it the _only_ Med Bay in Sealab?" Daria asked with a hint of worry. "It's the _primary_ Med Bay, but not the only one. But, I should mention, the only other Med Bay with the same equipment in located in Pod 32," Sparks replied. "All of the other pods have small infirmaries and medical stations, but none of them have the amount of supplies and equipment that the Med Bays in Pod 04 and Pod 32 have."

"We're in Pod 01, right?" Daria asked. "Yeah," Sparks replied. "Do we have any tunnels that lead directly from our pod to the ones in Shanks' jurisdiction?" Daria asked. "Um... no, we don't. We only have tunnels traveling directly to Pods 02, 03, 04, 05, and 06."

* * *

  **An Hour Later...**

" _It was... it was some kind of parasite,_ " Dr. Quinn said through the console. "Do you think it was carrying any contagions?" Commander Li asked. She and the others had gathered on the bridge to communicate with Dr. Quinn and Dr. Virjay over the communication console.

" _I don't know. We've tested all of the bodies, the air, and our blood, but the results haven't been finalized in the computer system yet. We need to find that thing. It can't be allowed to escape this pod. We have to capture it. Dead or alive, we must contain it. We're going to need help,_ " Dr. Quinn stated. "The only way to get someone in there is with authorization from myself, Captain Shanks, Commander DeMartino, or Commander Li," Captain Murphy said.

" _We need help either way. Look, after the computer finishes it analysis and reports the results, we'll call you,_ " Dr. Quinn replied. "Very well. We'll be waiting for your report. If there are no indications of contagions or anything deadly to humans, we'll lift the quarantine and simply place the pod into a partial lock-down state," Captain Murphy replied. Commander Li nodded her head in agreement.

* * *

  **The Infirmary, Pod 04  
**

"The results are in," Dr. Virjay said as he turned to Dr. Quinn. "Nothing found. Nothing in the tissue samples; nothing in the air samples, and nothing from our own blood. We appear to be clean." "Only after four hours of analysis from a computer system using 480 gigabytes of RAM to perform repetitive calculations and comparisons of available data," Dr. Quinn commented somewhat bitterly. "And they couldn't install a newer system for us after adding the other pods to the base... why?" Dr. Virjay asked him.

"I don't know and I didn't ask," Dr. Quinn replied. "Hey, Ilad, where's Lieutenant Sherman?" he asked as he looked around the room. "He left to go take a walk and use one of the rest rooms an hour ago. He was getting _very_ impatient," Virjay replied.

"Well, we'll have to find him. But first, we need to call the bridge and tell them that we're clean," Dr. Quinn said. "I'll go look for him," Dr. Virjay said after grabbing a hammer from a table near the door. He'd grabbed it from a tool box earlier as a safety measure.

* * *

 

After reporting on their health, Dr. Quinn and Dr. Virjay were allowed to leave the quarantine zone. They both headed for their respective quarters to change clothes and shower before heading for the bridge in Pod 01. Tommy Sherman had opted to stay behind and keep an eye on the Med Bay until they returned.

Currently, they were on the bridge, along with the others. "We have the entire Med Bay area sealed off, along with the tunnel that connects directly to it," Commander DeMartino said as pointed to a layout map of the pods.

"Now, this thing is fairly small, correct?" DeMartino asked Dr. Quinn. "Yes. While it appeared to be rather soft, I do believe that this life form is an arthropod of some kind," he replied. "A crustacean, most definitely, but I've never seen one quite like this," he added. "How dangerous is it to humans?" DeMartino asked him.

"I don't know. It was hiding in Ensign Snyder's corpse, but it most likely got in there after he died," Quinn said. "With how large it was? It had to have grown substantially after entering his body," Virjay commented. "There is no way that it could have gotten inside of him without creating some kind of entrance wound if it were that large from the start. Mostly likely, it was using his body as an incubator...or its exposure to our atmosphere had an unusual effect on its metabolism and growth."

"Will it continue growing?" DeMartino asked them. "I have no idea, but as a crustacean, or any kind of arthropod, it won't be able to grow very large in our environment without being crushed by its own weight. At least, not without being either totally or partially submerged in water to help with buoyancy," Dr. Quinn said.

"All right. We'll try to catch it. After that, you guys can decide on if you want to kill it and study it or throw it out an airlock," DeMartino said. "Do we absolutely have to catch it alive?" Daria asked. "Not really, but if it's possible, then please do so," Dr. Quinn said.

"So, how do we do this? Do we split into teams or search as one large group?" Debbie asked. "We'll split into three teams: Blue, Red, and Gold. Blue team will consist of Commander DeMartino, Lieutenant Barksdale, and Lieutenant Ruttheimer," Commander Li said. "Red Team will consist of Dr. Quinn, Lieutenant Commander Barch, and Lieutenant Waters. Gold Team will consist of myself, Dr. Virjay, Lieutenant Commander Dupree and Lieutenant Commander Marquez. Meanwhile, Commander Sparks, Lieutenant Morgendorffer, and Captain Murphy will stay on the bridge and watch our progress through the pod."

"What about Lieutenant Sherman?" Amy asked. "He'll be added to Blue Team after we meet up with him in the Med Bay. That is where we will begin our search. We will have all corridors locked down except the ones that will take us on a direct path to the Med Bay, and then we will lock down all of the doors and go through the pod, with each team checking one section at a time, opening and closing access junctions and doors manually," Commander Li said.

"What kind of weapons or capture devices will we use?" Upchuck asked. "We'll use nets, stun rods, batons, and tasers. We won't need to use any guns or blow-spears," Li replied confidently. "Commander Sparks and Lieutenant Morgendorffer, please alert all other pods that Pod 04 will be blocked off and locked down until further notice. All medical emergencies to be transferred to Pod 32 and/or the nearest available infirmary and medical station," Angela Li ordered.

"Understood," Sparks said as he and Daria returned to their stations and began making their announcements.

"All right. Captain Murphy, do you know how to use the spare communications station?" Li asked him. "Yeah. I remember when I had to contact the surface for something a year or two back. I forget what I was calling them about, though," Murphy replied.

"As long as you know what to do," Commander Li said. "All right, lets get this party started. Let's go!"

* * *

  **Back On The Bridge  
**

" _So, what exactly is going on?_ " Jane asked over a communications console. "I can only say that an animal of some kind is on the loose in Pod 04. Please, Jane, don't enter Pod 04 until its been cleared. Keep yourself and everyone out of there until we've reported it to be clean. Can you promise me that?" Daria asked her.

Jane nodded her head. " _Yeah, I can keep that promise,_ " Jane said reluctantly. " _Just, be careful, okay?_ " Jane asked her. "I'll do my best," Daria replied. " _Okay. When this is over, Tom and I will have a pizza or two waiting for you tonight,_ " Jane said with a small smile. "Thanks. I'll be looking forward to it," Daria replied.

* * *

**Pod 04**

"Why do _I_ have to carry the net?" Upchuck asked as the group neared the entrance for the Med Bay lobby. It was a large and wide lobby, looking very much like one seen in a ground-side hospital. It was circular, with several chairs in corners and in the middle, along with shelves and three TV's displaying information about Sealab's healthcare system.

"Gee, this kind of reminds of that video game I once played a while back, before everybody was moved from Lawndale to Sealab. Something called... Something Isolation," Upchuck said as he and the others disembarked their transport carts and looked around the Med Bay lobby. He'd never actually been to this part of the Med Bay before, having been very conscious about his personal safety and health since he'd arrived at Sealab.

Still, the emptiness of the lobby and the lack of noise, aside from the TV's, was unnerving to him. "I'm kind of creeped out," he said quietly, although Amy and DeMartino both heard him. They both also silently agreed with him. The Med Bay _was_ creepy when no one was there, even though the lights were still on.

"Now, just because there's a lock-down in place doesn't mean that the receptionists can just run off and not stay at their posts," Commander Li said in annoyance. "They probably left with whatever patients that had in order to reach a different medical station in another pod," Dr. Quinn surmised.

"Well... I guess it's okay, but where's Lieutenant Sherman?" Li asked as she looked around. "He should have been waiting for us, right?" "We did call and ask him to wait for us in the Med Bay, but we didn't say which part, so he's probably waiting for us somewhere inside," Commander DeMartino said.

"All right, let's move. Remember your teams, everyone!" Li said as they split up and began searching the Med Bay. Two hours later, after a thorough sweep, it had been concluded that neither the creature nor Tommy Sherman were in the Med Bay. "So, where did they go?" Upchuck asked nervously.

"I didn't see any broken vents in any of the rooms, so the...creature, must have escaped through an open door. We checked every single room and cabinet and bed in the Med Bay," Dr. Quinn said. "Lieutenant Morgendorffer, do you have any visuals on the Med Bay and the surrounding areas?" Commander DeMartino asked over his headset.

" _Negative. There's nothing on your level. Sherman and that thing must be on a different level,_ " Daria replied over the headset. "Understood," Commander DeMartino said. "Okay then, we'll have to split ourselves between levels. Red Team will search Level Five and below, while Gold Team will search Level Seven and above. Blue Team will search the rest of this level. Afterwards, Gold Team will join Red Team," DeMartino said firmly.

* * *

 "Man, this place gives me the creeps," Stormy said as he, Dr. Quinn, and Lt. Commander Barch scoured Level Four. "This level three of the Med Bay," Dr. Quinn said. "We mostly store supplies around here, although there are some spare infirmary rooms," Dr. Quinn explained as the trio moved through another corridor. Janet Barch shined her flashlight down at a vent on the floor, and noticed that it had been ripped outward.

"Dr. Quinn, Lieutenant Dumbass, look," Barch said. "What happened to the vent?" Stormy asked as he knelt down to get a better look. "I think our friend may be responsible," Dr. Quinn said. Stormy put his hand on the vent. "Eww, there's something wet in here, he said as he raised his hand. Janet aimed the flashlight at Stormy's hand.

"Is that... blood?" she asked. Dr. Quinn knelt down and shone his flashlight inside the vent. There was indeed a smear of blood in it. "We'd better keep looking for Sherman," Quinn said as he rose back up. "Can I wash my hands?" Stormy asked. "There should be a hand-washing station in one of the supply rooms," Quinn said. "Okay, I'll catch up with you guys after I clean up," Stormy said as he ran into a room.

"Do you think he'll be able to find us?" Barch asked. "Probably not. We should move slowly, then," Quinn replied.

* * *

 Stormy walked slowly through the storage area, looking for a sink. The room smelled sterile and of cleaning supplies. There was, however, a hint of something else in the air as Stormy made his way towards the showering area. The lights were of low quality, nearing the end of their life, and occasionally flickering.

"Man, when was the last time anybody was in here?" he asked as he walked into what looked like a shower room. "Huh. They store supplies in a shower room? That's weird," Stormy commented as he looked around, noticing some boxes lying on their sides. He saw a sink over in a corner and went over to it.

As Stormy turned on the faucet and grabbed some soap, he looked in the mirror, noticing something sticking out from behind some of the boxes and crates. He dried off his hands with an air-dryer before walking over to the mess of boxes. He put his hand on a box and felt it sink a little before he lifted his hand.

He grabbed the box and lifted it up, moving it over before he glanced down at what was beneath it. He stared blankly for a few seconds before realization sank in at the blood-stained body of Tommy Sherman. His torso had been ripped up, and there was blood everywhere around him. He had a look of agony on his face.

Stormy dropped the box and slowly backed away, not noticing the red and brown-splotched legs dropping down slowly behind him. He didn't stop until he felt something pressing against his back. He jerked forward before turning around. "Huh? What the..."

Stormy's words died in his throat as he looked at the thing in front of him. "Holy... shit. Quinn! Barch!" he yelled as two of the creature's appendages slowly moved forward and began to encircle him. "Q-Quinn! B-Barch! Someone! H-Help!"

* * *

 "I bet one of the faucet handles is stuck or he couldn't find the soap," Quinn said dismissively. "I know that he's dumb, as most males are," Barch said. Quinn glanced at her. "With... a _small number_ of exceptions, I will admit, but Lieutenant Waters really seems to have less of a brain than most of the other males down here. Only Kevin Thompson seems dumber than him," Janet said.

"Well, I've known him for a while and... actually, you're pretty spot on," Quinn said as he and Janet decided to turn around and help Stormy. "Um...who has the net?" Janet asked him. "Stormy-oh right. I took it from him when he-" " _Help! Quinn! Quinn! Hel-aaahh!_ " they heard Stormy scream. That was when they picked up the pace.

When they arrived at the room where Stormy had been, there was only Tommy Sherman's corpse and some of Stormy's blood on the floor. They looked around, before finally seeing a large maintenance vent cover on the floor, causing them both to look up, following the climbing handles going up on the wall before settling their eyes on the uncovered duct.

"Stormy!?" Quinn cried, gripping his stun prod tightly. There was no response from the vent. "Stormy!?" he yelled again, louder this time. Again, his cry was met with cold silence. "Stormy..." Quinn said quietly, with a hint of fear in his voice. There was no other sound in the room, save for the occasional drip of water from the sink.

* * *

**Pod 01, The Bridge, Some Time Later...**

"It just... it just took him," Quinn said as he sat at the conference table. Initially, when the group had returned from Pod 04, Daria had felt relieved and had prepared to contact Jane, but when she saw the Stormy was missing and that Dr. Quinn was looking shaken, she'd decided to hold off. "Did you see what happened?" Daria asked Dr. Quinn.

"No. We just saw some blood on the floor, Tommy Sherman's corpse in the corner, and the open vent up near the ceiling. This thing... it's grown. It has to have grown, if it can lift a full-grown man up and drag him into a vent like that," Quinn replied.

"Is there any chance that Stormy's still alive?" Debbie asked. "No... I mean, I don't think so," Quinn replied solemnly. "Then it's time we break out some firepower," Commander Li said.

"Guns?" Murphy asked her. "Mm-hm, I've got some shotguns and an assortment of small-arms in the Security Center Armory. Some Franchi SPAS with collapsible stocks, some M4's, some M12's, M19's, Uzis... a flamethrower or two," Angela Li said with a grin.

"But if it's using the air and maintenance ducts to move around... how are we going to catch it in a spot where we can actually get at it?" Upchuck asked. "We don't know if it's still growing or not, but if it _is_ still growing, then it won't be able to hiding in those vents for very long," Quinn said. "It'll need to move into more open space in order to move around, or else it'll become trapped."

"Then why don't we just let it stay in the air vents until it becomes trapped and dies?" Amy asked them. "We don't know that it'll stay there that long, and we need to make sure that it can't leave the pod. Besides, those air vents can take it almost anywhere in the pod, with only a few locations excluded," Li replied.

"That's true. We need to hunt it down and catch it before it manages to hide somewhere that we can't get it out of," Quinn said. "We need to drive it out into an open area. Then, we can either unload Commander Li's weapons on it or we can lure it into an airlock or a sub bay and drive it into the ocean."

"How exactly do we accomplish that?" Debbie asked. "We have to scout the vent system, and make sure it isn't in there. We'll have to go through each section of the pod one by one, vent by vent, and seal all of the entrances behind us to keep it from getting away," DeMartino said.

DeMartino brought up some schematics on one of the computer screens. "Each of these vents have hatches that can be closed, so we can block off its route of escape and drive it out to where we want it to go," he said.

"Okay, but that means someone has to go into the vents," Marco pointed out. "Oh yeah. So, who wants to crawl inside the dark, claustrophobic maintenance vents?" Amy asked. "I'll go," Commander DeMartino offered. "No, _I'll go_ ," Captain Murphy said. "You know, both of you could go," Marco said.

"It _would_ be a lot safer for two people instead of just one," DeMartino agreed. "I'll go get the weapons," Commander Li said. "Marco, grab a transport cart and meet me in Pod 03," she said as she left the room.

* * *

  **A Short Time Later...**

"Okay, pick your weapons," Commander Li said as she carefully laid out an assortment of shotguns, pistols, stun rods, cattle prods, and two flame throwers on the table. "Didn't you say that you also had some M4 carbines and a few other things?" Dr. Quinn asked her. "Oh, I was referring to my Benelli M4 shotguns. Besides, if this thing is like a crab or something, then we need stuff that will crack a shell. Besides, these shotguns have pretty decent range," Li replied.

"Shotguns are short range weapons, though, aren't they?" Upchuck asked. "Oh, you naïve little fool. You don't really believe that _video game shotguns_ actually represent the true range of _real life shotguns_ , do you?" "Well, the shotgun from the very first Halo game had a realistic range," Sparks commented. "An anomaly. Future entries in the franchise would reduce the range quite drastically," Li commented.

Sparks shrugged his shoulders as he reluctantly agreed with her. "Um, getting back on target, what are the chances that the cone of spread for these shotguns will damage the maintenance vents?" Marco asked. "You won't be using shots. I've gathered slugs for you to use instead," Li replied. "Smaller range of spread, but the impact is much more concentrated," she added.

Commander DeMartino picked up a Franchi SPAS-12. It had a collapsible stock, meaning that it would be easy to wield while moving through the maintenance ducts. "I know what I'm taking with me," DeMartino said. "This is a flashlight attached to the bottom, right?" he asked Commander Li. "Let me see that one," she said as she walked over and looked at it. "Yes, just remove the cap," she said.

"Cap?" DeMartino asked. "Yes. Some of these have custom attachments. I have caps put on all of them so that nothing gets in there," Li explained. "Um, are any of these weapons water-proof?" Daria asked her as Amy picked up a Benelli M4 Super 90 shotgun.

"Um, they should be okay if they aren't _completely_ submerged for more than three minutes, although I really wouldn't advise submerging them for more than even _one minute_ , just to be safe," Li said quite calmly. Daria and the others were somewhat surprised by Angela Li's demeanor. Usually, she was a bit of a wannabe dictator, but today she had undergone some kind of change.

"Now, Captain Murphy, what weapon will you..." Angela trailed off as she saw Murphy holding a flame thrower. "I think I know how this works," Murphy said. "Um, yes. You'll want to be next to or in front of Commander DeMartino while in the ducts," Li said. She looked over and saw Upchuck carefully picking up an old M19 hand gun.

"Lieutenant Ruttheimer...what kind of license or even clearance do you have for handling these weapons," she asked him as she also glanced over at Daria. "For that matter, what kind of clearance do _you_ have either, Lieutenant Morgendorffer?" Li asked her.

"We have clearance for at least the stun rods, handguns, and spear-guns," Daria replied. "I'm afraid that, while it _is_ in the best interest to make sure that you can defend yourselves, I cannot allow you to use anything other than the stun rods, tasers and cattle prods," Li said.

"Huh?" Upchuck asked. "Lieutenant Ruttheimer, this is not a video game. If you shoot yourself or one of your fellow crew members by mistake, there are no health-packs or checkpoints to restart at. Damage can be _permanent_. An untrained gun user can be just as dangerous as a trained gun user, although for completely different reasons," Li explained with narrowed eyes.

"Commander Sparks... you should have enough clearance," Li said. "Um, true, but I'm not sure if I'm really allowed to use a gun, at least not without oversight. Remember, I'm technically still serving my sentence," Sparks replied. "Hmm, yes, I'd forgotten about that," Li muttered.

"Well, the thing is trapped in Pod 04, so I don't really think that the three of you will have to worry about needing to use any weapons anyway. Still, the stun rods and cattle-prods should at least give you some form of defense. The rest of us will head over to Pod 04 to initiate our plan," Li said.

"Morgendorffer and Sparks will provide assistance again, and use the cameras in the ducts to guide Captain Murphy and Commander DeMartino in their pursuit of the creature, while the rest of us take station at specific access junctions," Commander Li said with a tone of confidence.

The group began pouring over the schematics and floor plans for Pod 04, spending over an hour mapping out a route to an airlock that they would drive the creature into. While Commander DeMartino and Captain Murphy would search the ducts, two teams would cover specific locations near the airlock and the controls for the duct system.

Amy and Marco would control the doors and hatches from the pod's primary control center, while Upchuck and Debbie would watch access junction 4-C, and Barch and Quinn would cover the junction closest to the Airlock 5-D. Dr. Virjay would cover the entrance hatch to the duct that Murphy and DeMartino would enter, before leaving to catch up with Commander Li at the airlock after the hatches sealed.

* * *

**Later, In Pod 04**

"This is pretty spacious for an air duct," Murphy said as he held his flamethrower ahead of himself. He kept it pointed straight ahead. DeMartino kept his Franchi SPAS-12 under his arm, with the stock still collapsed on the top. He flicked on the flashlight attached to his communications headset, as well as the flashlight attached to the gun. Captain Murphy followed suit.

DeMartino glanced behind him. He nodded at Dr. Virjay, who was holding a Benelli M4 as he watched the two men carefully crawl into the darkness of the ducts. Virjay watched with unease as they soon disappeared from view in the darkness, with only the distant lights of their headsets providing evidence that they were there at all.

On the bridge, Daria watched through the men's progress through the camera feed. She'd called Jane earlier and had informed her of the severity of the situation, although she had left out a few specific details. She'd also asked Jane to keep an eye on he sister for her until she and Amy could return to their housing unit. Checking the cameras that were ahead of the men on their long journey, Daria scanned the screen for anything that looked unusual.

Back in the ducts, DeMartino and Murphy had reached the third access junction of level 06. DeMartino looked around the duct, searching for scratch marks or anything that could indicate the presence of Sealab's uninvited guest. He frowned at the lack of evidence or trail.

DeMartino gently placed his hand on Murphy's shoulder, causing the older male to turn his head to look at him. "Hold still," DeMartino said. "Barksdale, Marquez, come in," DeMartino said. " _This is Lieutenant Barksdale. I read you, Commander,_ " Amy replied over the headset.

"Barksdale... close the hatches behind us. We've reached access junction Six-dash-zero-three," DeMartino said. Murphy raised an eyebrow. " _Sir? Are you sure you want us to do that this early?_ " Amy asked him. "Yes. We know that these sections are clear, and we want to keep them that way. Close the hatches behind us. That's an order," he replied calmly.

" _Understood. Closing the hatches,_ " Amy said. DeMartino turned to watch the hatch circling shut behind him and Murphy. DeMartino brought out a data tablet with the schematics for the pod on them. The light of the data tablet shined on his face. "There should be a control panel not too far from here. We can use that to manually open and close certain hatches if need be," he said to the captain.

"Good idea," Murphy said. "Say, how much ammunition did you bring with you?" Murphy asked DeMartino as he gestured toward his shotgun. "The gun's full, and I've got a pouch with twelve spare rounds," DeMartino answered. "Why? Are you running low on fuel?" he asked Murphy. "No, I was just curious," Murphy replied.

"Fair enough. Come on, let's keep moving," DeMartino said. Murphy began moving forward again.

* * *

 

"How long have they been in there now?" Marco asked Amy. She looked at her watch and checked one of the clocks on the wall. "It's been an hour now," she said as she gripped her Benelli M4 tightly. "I haven't heard from them in a-" " _Barksdale, Marco, we've reached the sixth access junction. We're preparing to move down to level five,_ " DeMartino said over the headset.

"Affirmative," Amy replied quickly. " _The hatches behind us are closed. I'll tell you when to seal the top of the shaft once we reach the bottom of the T-junction,_ " he said over the headset. Amy and Marco waited five minutes before they heard from DeMartino again. " _Seal the top of the shaft. We're moving on,_ " he said.

Back at access junction 4-C, Barch and Quinn waited in silence for the two men to report again. Barch occasionally flashed a light into the shaft, looking for any sign of the creature lurking within. She held her Franchi SPAS firmly as she kept it aimed at the opening of the shaft.

Dr. Quinn held his Benelli M4 gently as he glanced around corridor. Their headset came to life and both of them listened intently as Daria's voice came out.

* * *

 " _Commander, stop. I saw something on camera five-ten, in junction Five-dash-Zero-Four. It was only there for a second, but it's in there with you. It's on that level,_ " Daria said over the headset. Commander DeMartino held his breath for a few seconds as he turned around to look behind him. Junction 5-04 was in the opposite direction of where he and Murphy had been going.

"Lieutenant Morgendorffer... I don't suppose there's a T-junction with a ladder in that area, is there?" he asked. " _Let me check the schematics,_ " Daria replied. " _There is one in that area,_ " she replied again two minutes later.

"Check the cameras for level four, and see if it's moved down there. We'll check out the junction carefully. Contact Lieutenant Barksdale and have her seal the hatches from Five-Eight forward, and the hatches from Five-Three back. Leave just the junctions Five-Eight through Five-Three open," DeMartino said. " _Understood,_ " Daria replied with a hint of hesitation in her voice.

Three minutes later, DeMartino heard Amy's voice on his headset. " _Commander, are you sure that blocking off all of your escape routes is a good idea?_ " she asked. "Those are also escape routes for that thing as well, Lieutenant," DeMartino replied. "Barksdale, I want you to seal the hatches for all sections underneath Level Four. We know the general location of the creature."

" _Understood. Good luck, sir,_ " Amy replied. DeMartino and Murphy could hear the hatches closing in the distance. DeMartino and Murphy maneuvered around each other so that Murphy was in front of him as they crept forward in the dark. "Morgendorffer, do you see it on any other cameras?" DeMartino asked.

" _Yes. There's something blocking camera five-twelve, just a few meters away from the previous sighting,_ " Daria replied. "Good. We know where to go," DeMartino said as he and Captain Murphy continued their slow trek. There was a strange stench in the air that grew stronger as they pressed forward.

Eventually, the two men came upon the location that Daria had spoken of. They both remained silent and still as they studied the thing in front of them. It seemed to be laying in an odd position, and it had a strange look to it. It seemed limp and inert. For a full sixty seconds, both men remained tense and alert as they waited for it to do something.

"Lieutenant Morgendorffer... the creature is... um, dead. I think it's dead," DeMartino said as he looked over what appeared to be its corpse. "Wait...there's a large tear in the back, and it's hollow," he said as he shined his light into it. " _It molted,_ " Quinn's voice said over the headset. "It molted? You mean like a snake shedding its skin?" DeMartino asked as Murphy quietly wandered over past the shell.

" _Yes. Crustaceans do that. Can you describe what it looks like?_ " Quinn asked. "It looks like some kind of spider or shrimp thing. Murphy, what do-Murphy?" DeMartino asked as he searched for Captain Murphy. The older man had disappeared. DeMartino shined his light ahead and saw Murphy just as he climbed down the ladder of the T-junction.

"Murphy, get back here!" DeMartino hissed as he quickly moved forward. "Murphy," he growled as he looked down at the older man. "I thought I saw something," Murphy said as he aimed his flamethrower into the darkness. Both men heard a scuttling sound and each turned to looked into the darkened shafts to find the source.

"You heard that too, right?" DeMartino asked Murphy as he gripped his shotgun. He kept a finger near the trigger, but not on it. Beads of sweat began to trail down his face as he aimed his shotgun in one direction and then another. He gulped as he heard the scuttling sound again, but he still couldn't determine its source.

"I think it's coming from this direction," Murphy said as he turned around and aimed his flamethrower in what he thought was the direction of the sound. He pulled the trigger and sent a stream of fire into the shaft. He sent another, and another. He waited a few seconds before hearing the scuttling again, and he sent another stream of fire in the direction of the sound.

The scuttling stopped. "I think I got it," he said quietly. "But I don't smell anything burning," he noted with a frown. "What?" DeMartino asked him.

* * *

 " _I said, I think I-aah! Anthony, get it off, get if off! Help me! Pull me up, pull me up!_ " " _Give me your hand!_ " " _Shoot it, shoot it! Do some-aah! Aah! Don't let-aahh!_ " Murphy screamed over the headset. " _Murphy, Murphy!_ " The sounds of fire roaring filled the air, as well as a sharp cry from DeMartino, before the headsets went silent.

Daria listened in silent terror as she heard a faint panting sound from DeMartino's headset, before the thud of him falling. Then there was the sound of him firing off three rounds from his shotgun, before the panting began again.

She quickly switched fully over to DeMartino's headset and listened to his panting as he tried to crawl around in the shaft. She tried to speak, to say anything to help him, but the words were caught in her throat. Her throat felt constricted as she frantically watched the camera feed, looking for Commander DeMartino, but seeing only empty passages in the ducts.

DeMartino's panting soon stopped as he fired his shotgun again, and then the air was silent. Daria counted the seconds passing by before she finally could speak again.

"Commander DeMartino? C-Commander? Please respond. Commander?"

* * *

  **Later, On The Bridge... **

Marco slammed Captain Murphy's flamethrower onto the conference table. Amy still gripped her Benelli tightly while she placed the broken Franchi SPAS 12 onto the table as well. "This is what we found," Amy said. "What about their bodies?" Commander Li asked them. "There weren't any bodies. We couldn't find them. All we could find were their weapons, that empty husk, and some blood," Marco said.

The group was silent while they thought about their situation. Upchuck was the first one to speak. "Commander Li, you have a large security force, right? Can't we just send a few small teams of your people in there and have _them_ hunt this thing down?"

"No. I have given my men and women strict orders to guard the transport tunnels that connect Pod 04 with the other pods," Li replied. "Couldn't we just... abandon Pod 04?" Upchuck asked her. "No! We need that Med Bay. The one in Pod 32 is large, but we need _both_ Med Bays in order to properly handle the full load of Sealab's current population," Debbie exclaimed.

"Dupree is correct," Li said. "We need both Med Bays, which means we _cannot_ abandon Pod 04. We must reclaim it," she said. "So... what's the plan?" Daria asked. "We lure it out into the open," Li said. "How do we do that?" Daria asked. "We have to make it want to leave it's hiding spot," Amy said.

"We won't need to wait too long, hopefully," Quinn added. "What do you mean?" Li asked him. "That thing just molted a while ago. It's still growing, so it won't be able to stay in those shafts for very long before it becomes trapped," Quinn said.

"But if it becomes trapped and dies in the air vents, then the smell will travel throughout the whole pod," Upchuck commented. "How long would it take to properly sanitize and clean the entirety of the air ducts in Pod 04?" Li asked. "Too long," Marco said. "It would be a health hazard for the Med Bay as well."

"We need to flush it out before it become trapped in the ventilation system, and we have to do it soon," Dr. Quinn said. "Yes, but _how?_ " Marco asked him. "We'll proceed with Commander DeMartino's plan," Amy said in a reluctant tone. " _What!?_ " Debbie asked her incredulously. "Are you crazy? We'll just end up like the others!" Debbie snapped at her.

"It's the only way," Amy said, her eyes downcast. "Does this mean that _you_ are volunteering for this?" Commander Li asked her. Amy was silent for a minute. "Yes," she said as she looked Commander Li in the eyes. "I'll go in there, by myself if I have to, and I'll flush it out to the airlock, or some open space where everyone can get at it," she said.

"And if you die, who will take care of your nieces?" Sparks asked her. "I'll make sure I don't die," Amy said. "Amy..." Daria said quietly, "Don't do this. There has to be another way." "I'm sorry, but this is the only option until we can get that thing out of the air vents," Amy said as she looked at her niece. "I'll join you," Commander Li said.

"Marco, those hatches from Level Five up are still sealed, right?" Amy asked him. "Yeah. I made sure to close them manually after we got out of there," he said. "What about the hatches from level four and below?" Amy asked him. "They're still sealed. That thing is trapped between those levels," Marco said.

"Then we can lure it out into Level Four or Level Five, and then we can blast it with everything that we've got," Amy said. "We'll just have to keep the access points for those vents open," Marco said. "Okay then. We'll set up at these points," Amy said as she brought up a schematic. "Dr. Virjay and Barch can guard the opening at junction Four-G, and Marco and Debbie can watch Four-A, while Ruttheimer and Quinn can watch the opening at Airlock 5-D."

"Does everyone know what they're going to do?" Amy asked. "Daria, you and Sparks will provide support again over the headsets." "Yes," Daria said as she nodded he head.

* * *

 Less than an hour later, the plan had been enacted again. Amy and Angela Li were both in the vents, retreading the steps of Commander DeMartino and Captain Murphy. "Okay, we're at the husk," Amy said over the headset. "Does everyone copy?" she asked. Everyone responded before she and Li began moving forward again.

* * *

 Dr. Virjay watched the opening of the vent with nervousness as he held his shotgun. Barch had her shotgun ready as well. Another hour had passed, and there had been no confirmation of the creature by Commander Li or Lieutenant Barksdale. " _We've checked the whole system. It isn't in here,_ " Amy said over the headset.

"Then where is it?" Janet Barch asked as she peered into the air vent. " _We're going to leave the air vents now. I want all vent opening sealed, except for Five-D,_ " Amy said. Barch sighed in frustration as she slumped against the wall next to the vent opening. She pressed the button to close it and closed her eyes as she listened to it sealing shut.

"Dammit," she muttered. "Hey, Virjay, do you think we should meet up with the others?" Barch asked him. When she didn't hear a response, she opened her eyes to see that Dr. Virjay was gone. "Hmpf, leave me alone, just like my ex-husband. Bastard," Barch whispered as she grabbed her shotgun and began searching for the doctor.

"Doctor Virjay?" Barch asked as she saw a shadow moving beyond a corner. She marched forward, intending to berate the doctor.

* * *

 " _Commander Li, Amy, I can't contact Dr. Virjay on his headset. Lieutenant Commander Barch is searching for him, but she can't find him either,_ " Daria said over their headsets. "He went missing? When did-" " _I need assistance, now!_ " Janet Barch screeched over the headsets. A series of shotgun blasts could be heard. " _Get back here you fu-_ "

Barch was cut off after static filled the air.

* * *

 Janet Barch winced as she tried to move from her spot on the floor. She should have seen the gas canister in front of the creature when she was shooting it, but she had developed a form of tunnel-vision, and had focused only on the creature. The explosion had also set off the sprinkler system, and soon her uniform was going to be soaking wet.

She tried to find her shotgun, but it had been knocked out of her hands when the force of the explosion had flung her back. She heard a strange series of noises and turned her head to see the creature slowly moving towards her. "Come on, you bastard," she growled, trying to mask her fear. "I'll take you with my bare hands!"

* * *

**Sometime Afterward**

Dr. Quinn slumped against the wall as he looked over at what was left of Janet Barch. She'd given the creature a fight, to be sure, but it hadn't done her any good. Marco made a silent prayer for her. "Damn. I wish I'd known you a lot better, Barch," he said quietly, "You were one hardcore badass. Rest in peace."

"Dammit," Amy muttered in frustration and mourning. She and Barch may not have exactly been friends, but they hadn't been enemies either. "It isn't your fault," Li said as she glanced over from the carnage at Amy. "None of us had predicted that the creature had already left the vent system by the time we'd returned to the pod," she added.

"If anything, _I_ should be the one blaming myself. After all, _I'm_ the head of security, and at least six people have already died on my watch. You, on the other hand, are just a maintenance worker," Commander Angela Li said.

"Hey, Debbie, how's Ruttheimer over there?" Amy asked shakily as she saw the other two people standing in the hallway. Upchuck was crouched down next to the wall, his knees pulled up to his chin. _He_ had been the one who'd found Barch's remains. He'd become mostly unresponsive since then.

"He's shaken," Debbie replied. "We should take him to the bridge or someplace else. He shouldn't be here any longer," Debbie said. Dr. Quinn walked over and helped Upchuck stand up. "Come on, Chuck, we need to get moving," he said to the boy. Upchuck simply nodded his head, keeping his eyes downcast.

"What about Dr. Virjay?" Commander Li asked. "What about him?" Marco asked. "Well, what's left of him?" Commander Li asked. "Not much," Marco replied as he turned around and started walking back to the others. "Okay, We're done splitting up," Amy said. "From now on, we're moving together as a group. We can't risk it any more," she finished.

* * *

 

Daria watched the group moving on the monitors, slowly making their way back to the transport tunnel between Pod 01 and Pod 04. Her eyes widened when she saw the camera footage for the corridor leading to the tunnel. "Guys, the creature is at Corridor 06-D7, right near the tunnel," she said into her headset.

* * *

 "Dammit!" Amy spat. "Can we overpower it?" Debbie asked. "That's why we're moving as a large group," Commander Li said. "Come on, it's payback time!" she said as she readied her flamethrower. The group moved forward at a steady pace.

"Daria, keep that camera feed on your monitor. Do not let that thing out of your sight," Amy said into her headset. " _Affirmative,_ " Daria replied.

Thirty minutes later, Daria's voice came over their headsets. " _It's breaking through the tunnel's airlock doors!_ " "Try to find an override," Amy said. "Never mind _that!_ " Li shouted. "We're almost there! We can just fry that thing and be done with it," she said as she began moving ahead of the group. Marco ran to catch up with her.

"Commander, wait! We need to stick together!" he shouted. Debbie was close behind him, readying her shotgun. " _It's broken through the doors!_ " Daria shouted. "Daria, try to locate an emergency override from your console. Ask Sparks for help if you need it!" Amy shouted.

* * *

 "The override only works for the doors on our side," Sparks said. "We can't override the emergency doors on that side. Pods one through ten don't have that option; only pods eleven through thirty-six do," Sparks explained. "Dammit!" Daria exclaimed.

* * *

 "There! I see it!" Li shouted as she ran forward. Marco and Debbie were close behind, readying their shotguns. The creature had fully entered the tunnel by the time the trio had reached it. "Eat some of this!" Li shouted.

"No, not in the tunnel!" Marco shouted as Li short forth a stream of flame at the creature, with Debbie firing her shotgun in tune. "No! The emergency fire safeties will-" " _FIRE DETECTED. FIRE DETECTED. SPRINKLER SYSTEM ACTIVATED._ "

The sprinklers came on and dowsed the group. Commander Li and Debbie had already stepped into the tunnel. Debbie had fired her last slug before she began reloading, this time using shots. She took a step forward, and accidentally left her finger on the trigger. The creature had turned around and was charging them.

Li had a maniacal grin on her face as she waited for the creature to get closer. "That's right, come to mama!" she shouted as the beast lunged forward. "Got it!" Debbie shouted as she finished reloading. She took a step forward. She fired two shots in quick succession, with the recoil making her step back. She slipped from the water.

He finger was still on the trigger, and as she tried to grab for something to hold onto, she squeezed the trigger, and accidentally shot the fuel tank of Li's flamethrower.

Marco stepped back as the explosion sent fire and smoke shooting past him. "Debbie! Commander Li!" he shouted. The plugs in his ears prevented him from hearing the cracks of the tunnel before the leaks began to spring forth. Marco looked inside the tunnel and saw the creature lying down in the water that was building up.

Debbie and Li's corpses were also in the water. " _Debbie,_ " he whispered sadly as he walked over to check for any sign of a pulse. "WARNING. FLOODING DETECTED. TRANSPORT TUNNEL UNSAFE. WARNING! PLEASE EVACUATE THE TRANSPORT TUNNEL IMMEDIATELY!" the voice of the computer system announced.

Dr. Quinn, Upchuck and Amy had just arrived at the tunnel entrance when the alarm had gone off. "Marco, we need to find another way!" Quinn said. Marco got up slowly. "But, what about... Debbie and Li?" Marco asked him. "Debbie?" Quinn asked as he saw her body in the water. He rushed forward and cradled her body to his.

"Debbie! Debbie! Come on, please speak to me!" he cried. Her eyes were glazed over and her neck was limp. "Debbie," he cried softly, "No. Please... say something." "WARNING, TUNNEL PRESSURE UNSTABLE. PLEASE EVACUATE TUNNEL IMMEDIATELY. FLOODING IS INCREASING IN TUNNEL. EVACUATE TUNNEL IMMEDIATELY."

Marco had already begun helping Quinn move Debbie's body, which was easier with the water level rising. "Guys, move! You need to get back in here before the water level reaches the door's sensors!" Amy shouted. Marco shot his head up immediately.

"Come on, Quinn, we need to move, now!" he said as he let go of Debbie's body. "But, Debbie-" "We can come back later! If we don't move now, we'll be trapped in here, and the water won't leave until we patch the tunnel from the outside and activate the purge system! Now, move your caboose!" Marco shouted at him, forcing him to drop Debbie's body.

The two men rushed over to the entrance, the water level quickly rising. Dr. Quinn had entered first, and Marco was right behind him, until he tripped on part of Debbie's shotgun, which had been blown over to the entrance by the force of the explosion. "Dammit," Marco grunted.

"EVACUATE TUNNEL IMMEDIATELY," the voice announced. "I know, you stupid- _Aah!_ " Marco cried as the doors slammed shut on his waist. The water level had reached above the door's sensors, activating the emergency fail-safe. "Oh god, oh god!" Marco cried.

"My back!" he cried as Quinn and Amy grabbed him. The space left by his body between the doors had allowed the water to begin entering the tunnel's airlock. "I can't feel my legs," he rasped out painfully. Blood was coming out of Marco's mouth now, indicative of internal bleeding. "Why won't the door open for him!" Amy cried as she tried hitting the manual open button.

"It-aagh, won't do that! There's too [hic] much water! Just, just go!" Marco said. "You'll drown to death in here!" Amy yelled at him. Once the other airlock doors closed, the water would be trapped, but so would Marco. "It's okay!" Marco cried, despite wanting to be helped. "My back... It's broken, isn't it?" he asked as the water continued to rise in the airlock, spilling out into the hallway.

"Yes, but if we can get you to the infirmary, then we-" "Don't bother, Quinn," Marco said as blood began to mix with the water. It was coming from the other side of the door. Quinn looked over through the space and saw Marco's left leg being devoured by the creature, which was still alive.

"It's still alive!?" he cried in disbelief. "G-give-give me my knife!" Marco demanded. "What!?" Quinn asked him. "My knife! Give me my fucking knife!" Marco cried out painfully. Amy reached over and grabbed his knife from his waistband, handing it to Marco. "Thank you," Marco said to her.

"Now, go! Go!" Marco shouted as Amy reluctantly pulled Dr. Quinn out of the airlock and began closing the other door. "Marco," Quinn said with a pained tone as he slammed a fist against the wall next to the airlock door. "God damn it!" he shouted as he heard Marco's cries as he tried fighting the beast. The tunnel door had managed to open after the outer door had closed, allowing Marco his final fight.

* * *

 Daria closed her eyes and rested her head between her arms, tears streaming down her face as she agonized over her inability to help anyone. Sparks looked over and shrugged. He wanted to help her, but he honestly had no clue how to do that. Then something struck him. "Hey, who's left?" he asked her. He could hear her beginning to sob now, quietly, trying to hide it from him, but it was still quiet apparent.

"Daria, who is sill alive?" Sparks asked her in a firmer tone. He reached over and shook her shoulder. "I couldn't help them," she sobbed. "I couldn't help any of them!" "Lieutenant! Who is still alive!?" he asked her again. "W-Wha?" "Who is still alive?" he asked her again.

"Upchuck, Dr. Quinn and Aunt Amy," Daria replied. "Then try helping them stay alive. I have to take care of communications traffic for the other pods by myself for now, but _you_ are the only one that is still with them. Help them get out of there alive," Sparks said. There had been a huge surge in communications traffic between medical stations across Sealab since the evacuation of Pod 04.

"Daria, they need you to guide them out of there. So focus on that, and you can cry afterwards, okay? I won't tell anyone," Sparks said. Under normal circumstances, he would consider recording her crying to use as blackmail, but the current situation made that completely out of the question. His conscience had escaped from its cage, and now it was in charge.

"Okay," Daria replied softly, still trying to fight back her tears. "I-I'll do it," she said.

* * *

 

Quinn and Amy slumped against the wall near Upchuck, watching the airlock door. "Where's the nearest tunnel?" Amy asked Dr. Quinn. "On level four. It connects to Pod Three. The next one is on level five. It connects to Pod Six. There's another one on level three. It connects to Pod Two. The final one is on Level Seven. It connects to Pod Five," Quinn replied tiredly.

"I guess we should start moving," Amy said as she got up. She walked over to Upchuck and got him to stand. "Charles, I need you to walk. Can you do that?" Amy asked him. He nodded his head. "Okay. I know you've been through a yesterday and this morning, but I'm not going to carry you," Amy said. Upchuck nodded his head as he looked her in the eyes.

"I can do that," he said in a choked voice. "I... I can walk." "Okay. That's all I need you to do right now. Just walk," Amy said quietly. Upchuck nodded his head. "Okay. Which tunnel do we choose?" Amy asked Quinn.

Just as he was about to respond, they heard a loud beep. "TUNNEL DESTROYED. AIRLOCK BREACHED. PREPARING EMERGENCY LOCK-DOWN PROCEDURE." "What the-" the airlock shot open and water began flooding into the corridor. "Jesus Christ! Run!" Quinn shouted. Amy and Upchuck began running away from the water. They could see emergency doors beginning to close up ahead. "We can make it! Just keep running!" Quinn shouted as he kept his eyes focused ahead.

The trio moved faster, just managing to jump through the doors as they closed. "Ouch, my side," Upchuck whimpered. "My arm hurts," he groaned. "You'll live," Dr. Quinn panted as he lied on his back. "Daria, come in. This is Amy. Where's the nearest service elevator?" she asked over the headset. " _They've all been shut down by the emergency lock-down,_ " Daria replied. " _I can't get them open from here,_ " she added.

"Shit!" Amy cursed. "Okay, are there any paths we can take to service ladders or..." Amy trailed off when she saw the hatch to the ventilation system. " _Amy? What's wrong?_ " Daria asked over the headset, concerned. "Daria, I need you to look up the schematics for the ventilation system and tell me which access junction is the closest to a transport tunnel," Amy said.

" _Okay. Just give me a minute,_ " Daria replied. "You want us to go _in those vents!?_ " Upchuck asked her with disbelief and fear. "It may be our best option," Amy replied. "No way! I'm not going into those vents!" Upchuck protested. "Chuck, that thing is too big to fit in there anymore. It won't be able to follow us," Quinn told him.

"Are you _sure?_ " Upchuck asked him. "I'm positive. It's too large to fit in there," Quinn replied confidently. Upchuck took a deep breath. " _The closest is on level four. That tunnel will take you to Pod Three. There's also a moon pool on level four. The only way to get down there is through the vents,_ " Daria finally replied over their headsets.

"Fuck!" Upchuck swore. "I don't like it any more than you do, but it's our only option. now come on," Amy said as she opened the access hatch to the vent system. "And we have to go _down?_ As in _below the flooded level?_ " Upchuck asked.

"Yes," Dr. Quinn said in a matter-of-fact manner as he ushered Upchuck into the vent. Amy was already ahead of them. "Daria can you hear me? We're in the vent, and we're heading down to level four. I need you to be our eyes," Amy said over the headset. " _I can do that Amy. Just keep moving until you reach a locked hatch. There should be a manual opening for it or another override near a control panel three sections ahead of you,_ " Daria said.

Eventually, the trio reached the control panel. "Okay, Daria, I'm at the control panel. Now, I need you to look up some of the master control settings on one of your console's screens. I need to make sure that any hatches I open won't be connected to the hatch at the tunnel on level six. I need you to do that before I do anything else," Amy said. " _Yes, Amy,_ " Daria replied.

Meanwhile, Amy booted up the control console. "Damn, theses things _are_ older than the ones in the newer pods," she muttered as she watched the loading message appear on the console screen. It soon displayed the last date and time that it was accessed, which had been several hours earlier by Commander DeMartino.

Amy quickly used the small keyboard to select the command-based interface, rather than the mouse-based one. There was a track-ball with a cover over it next to the keyboard, but the device had not been properly integrated into the system when it had been installed. It was sluggish and unreliable as a result.

Amy quickly accessed the menu for the hatches. "Yes," she whispered. There was an option for opening and closing each hatch individually. "Daria, have you found anything yet?" Amy asked her over the headset. It was at this time that Upchuck had realized that both adults had forgotten their weapons when the tunnel had been breached. Only the M19 that Upchuck had managed to sneak into his tool belt had remained with them, and he hadn't brought any spare ammunition.

He didn't dare take it out now to check if it was full. He simply left it where it was, and kept his eyes focused on Amy's task. " _There should be an option to open and close the hatches individually,_ " Daria replied. "Same here. I found it. Okay, it shows the following hatches are still sealed," Amy said as she relayed the list of them to Daria over the headset.

"Daria, I need you to look at a schematic and tell me where each hatch is located and where it leads," Amy said. " _I'm on it,_ " Daria replied. Soon, the trio were moving through the vents, making their way down the path that Murphy and DeMartino had taken earlier. "Hey," Upchuck said as he shined a flashlight around, "I found a data tablet."

"I think that was Commander DeMartino's," Quinn said as he picked it up to examine it. "It _is_ ," he said in confirmation. "It has a set of schematics on it," Quinn said after he turned it on. "We can use it then," Amy said before they resumed their trek.

Eventually, they made their way to the ladder to level four. "Okay, the last ladder," Amy said before she heard a whirring noise. It soon became a roar, like water in a tunnel. "You hear that?" Amy asked the others. " _Amy, the hatch near the transport tunnel's been opened. you need to move!_ Daria shouted over the headset.

The trio quickly started climbing down, with Amy reaching the bottom first. "Which way, do we go?" Amy asked as she looked at the data tablet. "Okay, we go this way!" she yelled as she led the others through the ventilation shafts. Amy paused for Quinn and Upchuck to move past her after entering a junction so that she could seal the hatch behind them. "That should buy us a little bit of time," Amy muttered.

They soon managed to exit the final hatch and enter the corridor. "The tunnel should be this way," Amy said as she followed the signs on the wall. " _Amy, that thing has opened a manual service shaft on level six. That shaft is wide enough for it to fit through and it leads all the way to level one. Levels Five and four are starting to flood! You need to get to the tunnel or the moon pool! You need to hurry!_ " Daria shouted.

"Which one is closer!?" Upchuck asked. "The moon pool is closer. It should have some atmospheric diving suits, so we can just go outside and make out way over to Pod One without much trouble," Amy said as they turned around. They quickly jogged through the corridors, listening as the sound of rushing water became louder. "Oh, give me a break already!" Upchuck shouted before he broke into a full-fledged run.

Amy hit the emergency close button on a wall for a set of double doors behind her, but they began to jam halfway up. "Dammit!" she yelled before she turned around and continued running. The group soon managed to reach the moon pool, with Upchuck slipping and falling onto the floor. His M19 and its holster slid out of the tool belt and over to a flight of stairs.

Quinn closed the doors as soon as Amy entered the room behind him and upchuck. Amy and Quinn quickly began setting up the pool for the diving suits. "Charles, I need you to go over to that control panel begin opening the pool doors. We need to do this now, before we get in the pool," Quinn said as he activated the ADS rack.

The rack swung out and five ADS were separated with space between each other by an electronic system. "Okay, Charles and Quinn, get those suits. I'll take care of setting up the pool and the timer for the automated system before I join you," Amy said from a control panel.

Upchuck and Quinn were both fully suited by the time Amy had finished setting up the system, when they saw the door to the moon pool open and water began rushing in. Amy was knocked back by the water before she managed to catch a handle bar and pull herself up. She waded over to the door as quickly as she could and slammed her fist on the controls, closing the door.

She was about to make her way over to an ADS when she saw the red form rising out of the water on multiple legs, with a strange lobster-like tail. The compound eyes, two of which were on stalks while the rest were stuck on the face, stared at her as its mandibles opened with a hiss.

Amy quickly backed up over to a set of stairs that led up to a catwalk. She made a mad rush up the stairs and ran over to the control panel in the middle of the walk-way. " _Amy, what are you doing!?_ " Quinn shouted as Amy started the process for the ADS being dipped into the pool. The creature turned to look at them as the noise of the machine caught its attention.

As the creature turned and made its way to the pool, Amy grabbed a metal rod and banged on the walk rails to get its attention. The creature's antennae became rigid for a few seconds before it began stalking towards her. Amy looked around and ran toward a ladder, climbing up to the next catwalk level as one of the legs of the creature stabbed at the wall below her.

Amy adjusted her glasses as she climbed out onto the next catwalk and ran over to a holding unit containing a stun rod. She engaged the extender on it and looked down below, watching the creature as it began climbing up to get her. She ran over to the other end of catwalk as she saw the ADS system completely submerge itself in the pool.

* * *

 Dr. Quinn and Upchuck slowly made their way out of the airlock tunnel in the moon pool and began their trek outside. Quinn had attached a cable between his and Upchuck's suits.

* * *

 Amy jabbed the stun rod into the creature's mouth, causing it to stumble back. One of its legs caught the catwalk and tugged on it, jostling Amy and sending the rod out of her hands and falling into the water below. She quickly ran over to the ladder and climbed down before racing over to a cabinet holding tools. She opened it and grabbed a flare gun, listening as the ADS deployment system began ascending out of the water.

She ran over to the catwalk edge and looked down at the round pedestal rising up out of the water. She saw that the creature was still immobile and ran down the stairs over to the controls and began setting up the system for one more deployment. The rack swung out again and attached itself to an empty slot on the pedestal, automatically adjusting the ADS based on the previous usage.

Amy heard the hiss of the creature before it dropped down into the water below. She ran back up the stairs and onto the catwalk as the creature rushed at her. She ducked as one of its legs swung forward and managed to start climbing the ladder up to the next level. She heard metal clanging as she looked down to see the creature following her. She ran over to the other end of the catwalk, counter-clockwise around the room.

She pulled out the flare gun and loaded it, aiming it at the creature as it came closer underneath the catwalk, before it slammed two legs against the bottom of it. Amy fell back as she fired the flare, sending it straight at the ceiling. The sprinkler system activated almost immediately.

Amy got back up as she saw a claw come up and grip the catwalk. She ran past it, grunting as another claw swept up and knocked her over. "Oof," she grunted before she got back up and ran over to the ladder. The creature was a fast learner, and it was already waiting for her.

"Shit!" Amy cried as she ran over to the other end of the catwalk. She looked around for something to use, listening as the creature tried crawling up through the space between the ladder and the catwalk, only to become wedged tightly in. Amy looked over at a mechanical arm for the ADS rack. She quickly got up onto the rail, almost slipping from the sprinkler system, and reached out to a chain hanging down from the ceiling.

The creature banged against its holding between the ladder and the catwalk, causing Amy to drop forward. She grabbed the chain and held it as she swung over onto the mechanical arm, letting go of the chain and trying to hold onto the arm. The water made it difficult, and she soon found herself falling back onto the watery floor.

"Ah, fuck!" Amy said painfully as she rose out of the water. She saw the creature trying to wiggle its way out of the wedge. She quickly ran over to controls, stumbling on something in the water. She picked it up and saw that it was a holstered gun. She threw it at the creature as it hissed once more at her. She finally reached the controls and activated the ADS deployment.

Amy quickly rushed back over to the ADS and got inside of it, sealing it as she began to descend. "Great, my legs are soaked," she groaned as some water managed to get into the legs with her. Her griping was stopped when she heard and saw the creature finally manage to get loose from its confines and make its way toward her.

Amy took a deep breath as the creature moved forward, while the top of the ADS pole and pedestal lowered into the pool. The creature tried to stick its head into the space between the rim of the pool and the pool airlock doors, and managed to stall it, only for the weight pressing down to crush its head, sending goop and blood flying. One of its compound eyes landed on the helmet of Amy's ADS. "Yeah, fuck you too, buddy!"

* * *

 "I can't read anyone," Daria moped as she slumped against the console. "They're... they're dead," she said. "I tried to help them, but I couldn't! I... I couldn't save anyone!" Daria shuddered. "You did what you could. No one could have asked for anything more," Sparks said. Sparks was about to speak again when one of his monitors came to life. " _Commander, there's activity in the moon pool of Pod One, but we don't have any authorized dives today,_ " a maintenance worker said.

"Thanks, Crewman Lane. Send me footage of it," Sparks requested. Daria recognized the voice of Jane's brother as he spoke to Sparks. As Sparks looked at the footage, he grinned.

"Daria," he said, "Go to the moon pool. That's an order."

* * *

 "Just get me out of this thing," Amy said as she was pulled out of her ADS. Upchuck had a towel wrapped around him, while Dr. Quinn was busy helping Amy out of the ADS. The door to the moon pool opened and Amy looked over to see her niece staring at her with an unreadable expression on her face.

Amy watched as Daria slowly walked over to her, before forcing her aunt into a powerful hug. "Whoa! If I'd known you'd react this way, I would've placed myself in peril a lot more often," Amy said humorously. The door to the pool opened again and two adults ran inside. "Charles, what the hell happened to you!?" Upchuck's father cried as he ran over to his son.

"So... the sleaze-bag actually has parents," Daria said. "He isn't that sleazy. And anyway, he went though a lot, just like the rest of us," Amy said. "So, with Captain Murphy... dead, and Commander DeMartino dead... who's going to run Sealab?" Daria asked. "Captain Shanks will have to run the whole place until a replacement can be brought in. A lot people will need to be... replaced," Amy said quietly.

Amy put her arms around Daria and brought her into a close embrace. "Until all of that happens... Let's just go home and rest, okay?" Amy suggested. Daria nodded her head in agreement. "You can invite Jane and Tom, and just... say or do whatever you need to in order to get it all out. We'll take each step forward together. You, me, Quinn, and our friends," Amy said. "All of us. Together."

* * *

 Ending Theme: Symphony No. 2 The Romantic, by Howard Hanson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm glad I finally got that out of my system! Back to the land of drinking and revenge we go! Anyway, it helps to read the story while listening to the music scores from ALIEN (1979) and Leviathan (1989), both of which were composed by the late, great Jerry Goldsmith.
> 
> This story was inspired by several sources, mainly Alien (1979), Deepstar Six (1988), Leviathan (1989), and Deep Rising (1998).
> 
> In the next episode, the Sealab crew celebrates that magical time of year when gunslingers run free throughout the land, and whiskey and revolvers are the symbols of life and death. I am talking, of course, about The Feast of Alvis, although I personally prefer Pastafarianism. It's tastier, and less likely to get ya' shot! Yeehaw!


	14. The Feast Of Alvis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Murphy celebrates the birth of Alivs, the holiest man to drink whiskey and slap hard!

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

 

Opening Theme:

_Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

_I guess I'll have to be direct_

_If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

_Then you'd better check under the sea_

_Cause that is where you'll find me_

_Underneath the Sealab!_

_Underneath the water_

_Sealab!_

_At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Episode 1-14: The Feast of Alvis

* * *

Date: Saturday, November 7th, 2021

" _Long ago, on a frosty winter's night, a wagon appeared at the gates of Fort Klugman, carrying pioneers to the frontier. A young woman in the party, called Delia, was heavy with child. And though she had journeyed with the virile young men for nigh on one year, none had lain with her, though she was comely._ "

" _And on this frosty winter's night, Delia's water broke, almost freezing her to the seat of the wagon. And the pioneers beseeched the soldiers to give them entrance, so that she could give birth to her child in the hospital there. But, due to an outbreak of syphilis there among the soldiers, the hospital was full._ "

" _And so there in the stable among the feed and tack and the, um, the, uh... whatsits, Delia gave birth to a son, who she called Alvis, as was her won't. And since none of the men in the party were the father, it was decided that the birth of this child among them must truly be a miracle! And it was so, for above the fort, there suddenly appeared an awesome and mighty comet!_ "

" _And so brilliant was its light that there came from all the tribes which the soldiers had not yet decimated, Shamans! And they rode upon buffalo, as was their heathen custom, bearing gifts; offerings of whiskey and firearms. And when the shaman saw the child, they were in awe, for the he glowed in a light which was truly not of this world, so..._ "

"So," a stage-woman began. "So does little Cody glow by himself!?" Captain Murphy asked the stage-woman, named Shawna. " _Herself_ , and no, she doesn't," Shawna replied. "So plop her in there with the light bulbs underneath!" Murphy said. "Light bulbs are dangerous!" Shawna protested. "Oh, please, the swaths of clothes are asbestos!" Murphy retorted.

"Asbestos!?" Shawna replied, aghast. "And her pistol's just a little twenty-two, couldn't hurt a flea," Murphy said as Shawna retreated with her child. "Dammit, we'll have to use that electronic baby I stole from the high school," Murphy said to himself. Over by one of the ladders, Janet Barch turned her head and raised an eyebrow.

"Skinny, did you you hear what I just heard?" Janet and Timothy O'Neill. While both of them were teachers at the New Lawndale High School, only Janet Barch was a member of the Sealab Maintenance Crew, being the head of maintenance for pods 01-04, answering only to Lieutenant Commander Marco Marquez.

Murphy had convinced her to help set up stage decorations for his little holiday scene, with O'Neill being dragged in because of cultural studies or something like that. He was also fond of helping out with anything that involved stage props and theater work of any kind, so Captain Murphy was easily able to manipulate O'Neill into helping out, thus providing Barch with a reason to stick around.

Just as O'Neill was about to ask Barch what she had heard, one of the doors to the bridge slid open and Captain Shanks walked in. He was carrying several large empty containers, and he seemed to be looking at the buffet table with eager eyes. " _Jackpot,_ " he whispered to himself before he saw Captain Murphy talking to himself while Shawna quickly walked past him, clutching her daughter tightly to her chest as she exited the bridge.

"Hey, Murphy!" Captain Shanks said as he walked over to the older man. "Good to see you and the others alive again!" Shanks said to him. "Uh... yeah, sure," Murphy said, somewhat confused by Shanks' statement. "Well, anyway, I heard that you had a buffet up here, so I figured I'd check it out. I'm just gonna grab some food and then I'll be out of your way," Shanks said as he walked over to a work bench and placed his containers on a cart before wheeling it over to the buffet table.

Just then, one of the bridge doors opened as Daria Morgendorffer and Dr. Quinn entered the bridge. "Which is precisely why you should never mix those two chemicals together. Do you understand?" Dr. Quinn asked Daria. "Um, sure," Daria replied, having stopped listening to Dr. Quinn's lecture about an hour after he'd started repeating himself. She'd found it amusing at first, but it had quickly become annoying.

"Oh, finally! With the way that you weren't responding earlier, I was afraid that I'd gotten you confused," Dr. Quinn said with sincerity. Daria mentally slapped herself. _I could've avoided all of that headache if I'd just replied to him earlier,_ she noted ruefully.

"Oh, not this again," Quinn said as he looked around the room. "Um, Captain, what is going on here?" Daria asked Murphy. "Ah, Lieutenant Morgendorffer, it's the annual Feast of Alvis!" Murphy replied joyously. Daria raised an eyebrow. "The feast of who?" she asked him. "Alvis! The holiest man to ever swig whiskey and shoot a colt!" Murphy explained.

"Preach it!" Stormy said with a grin. "Besides, the people of other faiths get to celebrate their stuff! Remember when we had that feast for those, uh, Krebs or Shriekahs who were feasting?" Murphy asked. "They were _fasting!_ " Quinn replied. "And there were _plenty_ of leftovers!" Murphy retorted. "And don't forget about that Crimbus thing that those Timericsonians were celebrating with that thing they attached to their heads!" Murphy added. Quinn sighed.

"Captain, the last time you did this, you ended up with a concussion," Quinn said with a tone of mild disappointment. "What's your point?" Murphy asked him. "My point is that we've had this discussion before, Captain. Alvis time is frowned upon by much of the crew," Quinn replied.

"Um, why, exactly?" Daria asked. "Well, first of all, Alvis was a drunk redneck who shot anyone who disagreed with him and humped anything that moved," Sparks explained as he walked over to the group, sipping a soda. "Sparks, you're walking!" Quinn exclaimed.

"Um, yeah. What about it?" he asked. "Well... I've just never seen you get out of that chair," Quinn replied sheepishly. Shanks walked over to them with five large containers full of food on top of a cart, including ribs, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, polish and Italian sausages, deep fried steak and fried chicken.

"Hey, thanks for the food! I'll be going back to my cabin now," Shanks said as he left the bridge. "It's good to see most of them alive again," Shanks said as he ate an Italian sausage while pushing the cart. "Shame that I'm the only one who ever notices these things, though," he said to himself.

Back on the bridge, Murphy was discussing Alvis with the crew. "Once, while leading a group of cowboys on a path to greener pastures, he waved his hands and parted the Rio Grande! He's a miraculous miracle incarnate!" "Ha," Sparks said flatly. "Ha? What's that supposed to mean?" Murphy asked him. "Please, parting the Rio Grande and a miracle birth? It's a fairy-tale," Sparks said.

"Oh yeah? Well here's a non-fairy-tale: You're _fired!_ " Murphy retorted angrily. "You can't fire someone based on religious grounds!" Quinn exclaimed. "Well, what about my religious liberty or my freedoms!?" Murphy asked him. "Religious liberty doesn't give you the right to fire someone just because they don't follow your religion, nor does it give someone the right to fire you if your lifestyle is frowned upon by their own religious beliefs," Quin explained in a frustrated manner.

Hearing the way that the two men spoke gave Daria the feeling that this kind of situation had happened before. "Yeah, and how can you worship that guy anyway!? He killed a man!" Sparks exclaimed. "Sparks, you aren't help-" "Hey, only for revenge," Murphy replied. Quinn's words were ignored. "'Vengeance is mine!' Quoth Alvis. Then he shot that guy right in the freaking face!" Murphy exclaimed.

"He was a drunk and a criminal!" Sparks retorted. _Like you're one to talk, at least about the criminal part,_ Daria thought as she listened to the men argue. "Blasphemer! Alvis was the holiest man ever slap iron! He killed for your sins!" Murphy exclaimed.

"Most religions think Alvis's love of liquor and guns and revenge were, well..." "Creepy?" Daria suggested. "Sort of," Quinn replied. "Oh yeah? Well maybe most religions can hash it out in Hell for all eternity!" Murphy replied. "Alvis will smote those bitches!" Stormy commented proudly.

"Actually, you mean to say that Alvis will _smite_ those bitches," O'Neill said, before his eyes widened at the realization of the words that had left his mouth. "Skinny!" Barch blurted out in shock. Daria stared at O'Neill in disbelief. Her literature teacher, a man easily brought to tears by dark poetry and foul language, had just said 'bitches' without a second thought, and while explaining grammar to boot.

"I... I-I was, I was just... I only..." O'Neill was on the verge of tears now. "All right! Come on O'Neill, preach the word of Alvis!" Stormy said. "I wasn't preaching," O'Neil whispered quietly, with only Janet Barch being close enough to hear him.

"Shut up, Stormy," Sparks said. "Besides, Malkans don't believe in Hell," Sparks added with a smirk. "You're a _witch!?_ " Murphy asked him, clearly aghast. "Malk is not about witchcraft! It's about swindling and-" "Oh, no, no! You're fired! Get on your broom and get out of here!" Murphy told him.

"Captain, you _can't_ fire someone based on religious grounds!" Quinn repeated, again to his growing frustration. Just then, Amy and Debbie walked onto the bridge, followed by Marco and Jane. "-want you here again?" Debbie asked Amy. "He said he needed help with some lights," Amy said to Debbie before they stopped and looked at the sets and props around them. "Lights for-oh, great. It's just like three years ago," Debbie said as she looked around the bridge.

"And don't let Marco catch you on the way out! Thanics freak out about witches and crap," Murphy said to him. "Who are you calling Thonic?" Marco asked him. "Well, you! I mean, you're a Spaniard and-" "Oh, that does it!" Marco interjected. "Captain, I am _not_ from Spain! And not all Hispanic people are Cathonic!" he shouted.

"Wait, does this mean there are a whole bunch of non-Alvians on the station!?" Stormy asked in surprise and anger. "It seems that there are!" Murphy shouted. "Damn them!" Stormy growled angrily. "I'll go round them up, and then we can teach them the true meaning of Alvis!" Stormy said as he ran out of the room, drinking a full bottle of bourbon.

"Come on, O'Neill!" Stormy said as he jogged back into the room to grab O'Neill. "But, I don't want to hurt anybody," O'Neill protested. "But a few minutes ago you were preaching the word of Alvis!" Stormy said. "No, I was correcting your grammar," O'Neill retorted.

"Huh?" Stormy asked him. "You see, you used the word 'smote' in a future tense manner, while the word itself is past-tense. The correct word to use in your sentence should have been 'smite' as that carries the proper future-tense meaning. Do you understand what I'm saying?" O'Neill asked Stormy. "You're saying... that the time for _Alvis_ to smite people was in the past, but now it's time for his followers to smite people in the future! I got it!" Stormy said as he turned around and rushed out of the room.

"Wait, that's not what I meant!" O'Neill called out. "Come on, Janet! We have to stop him before he hurts somebody!" O'Neill said as he pulled Barch along and they both exited the bridge in pursuit of Stormy. "Skinny, slow down!" Barch cried as the door closed.

"Um, what the hell was that all about?" Jane asked Daria. "Something extremely stupid, trust me," Daria said just as Hesh walked over to the group. "Captain, Hesh ain't feeling so well! Someone crapped the buffet table!" Hesh said before puking his guts out. "Oh, that's just lovely," Murphy grumbled.

"Say, where's Tom?" Daria asked Jane. "He's on his way. He just got held up by his parents this morning because they found me in bed with him," Jane said with a proud smirk on her face. "What? They didn't know that you two were, you know... screwing?" Daria asked her.

"Hmm, I don't know. I think it has more to do with me not being a rich girl than anything else, especially since we've been going out for so long. I guess they thought that I was just a fling or something for him until he found someone who happens to be more upper-class." "Because there are non-Alvians tainting the food!" they heard Murphy shout.

"No, there really does appear to be contamination of some kind. Look at all of the people throwing up!" Quinn said, pointing at the various people on the bridge who were doubled over and crying as their stomachs rebelled against them. "Oh god! What did I bleaaarrrggh!" Upchuck cried as he performed his nickname. "Um, what is Upchuck doing here anyway?" Jane asked.

"He's part of the stage crew for the set!" Murphy replied. "Now, Jane, didn't you say that you'd make a painting for this occasion?" Murphy asked her. "Um, you asked me if I could paint something, but you weren't very specific about it. In fact, you weren't very coherent either. I think you were drunk," Jane replied.

"I was getting into the Alvistide spirit!" Murphy declared with a smile. "Help me! Someone, help me!" Upchuck cried. "Father, help me!" he rasped with a hand in the air. "I'll go take him to Dr. Virjay," Debbie said as she walked over and dragged Upchuck out of the room.

"Captain, those rafters and lights don't look very stable," Jane said as she stared at the sets that had been built on the bridge. "Oh, those are fine! Besides, I called you here to _paint_ , not to build stuff," Murphy retorted.

"Well, what exactly did you want me to paint?" Jane asked him. "I wish for you to paint the holy gunslinger Alvis! Alvians don't have a problem with images of their holy people, unlike _some religions_ ," Murphy said. "Um, right. What did he look like?" Jane asked him. "Well, I want you to draw him as a baby," Murphy explained.

"Sounds simple enough," Jane replied. "Yep. Draw him the way he was born... with a cowboy hat on his head, a bottle of whiskey in one hand, and a Colt .45 in the other, staring down death in the face and daring it to take him!" Murphy said with a maniacal grin. "Huh?" Jane asked him.

* * *

 

** Meanwhile, In Some Other Part Of Sealab... **

"You know, you don't have to follow me," Tom Sloane said to his younger sister, Elsie. " _ **It was requested by Mother that I do so,**_ " Elsie responded through her voice modulator. "I know that Mom is having some... odd feelings regarding me and Jane, especially since she and Dad don't actually seem to agree with each other this time, but just because she says it _might_ be nice to spend time with me doesn't mean that she wants you to follow me around all day," Tom said.

"Besides, I'm going to see Jane on the bridge, where _a lot_ of people will be located. I'm not sure that all of them will be immune to your voice. I know that Daria and Jane will be immune, since they've spent enough time around you, but the others... well, I'm don't want to take that risk. It's better if you spend time with someone else," Tom said.

" _ **Jane has become immune to my voice through repeatedly having relations with you, dear brother,**_ " Elsie replied. "What? I thought that she simply spent enough time around you to become immune," Tom said in response. Up ahead, he saw Mack McKenzie and Jodie Landon walking together. " _ **No. By being physically intimate with a member of our family, she has become permanently immune to my voice. Just as I had slipped my tongue into Daria's mouth to ensure her continued immunity after the incident with Val, you have slipped your tongue and more into her, and not just in her mouth,**_ " Elsie said.

Tom's eyes had widened. "You... kissed Daria?" he asked, ignoring the other things his sister had said. " _ **Yes. While I had used my voice to strike down that vapid shallow consumerist whore, I had forgotten about Daria's presence momentarily, and I wished to ensure that she would not suffer,**_ " Elsie explained. "But, Daria is naturally immune to your voice, just like her aunt. Remember when they both heard it by accident when they first met you and neither of them suffered?"

" _ **Daria and her aunt are indeed immune naturally, but I had forgotten that fact, so I attempted to be safe. Better safe than sorry, correct?**_ " Elsie asked her brother. He nodded in reply. " _ **There, so a quick lip-lock session ensued,**_ " Elsie said.

"Um... so, a quick kiss and that was that?" Tom asked. " _ **Goodness, no! I slipped her the tongue! She seemed appreciate it, especially if her-**_ " "Okay, I've heard plenty. I get it. You kissed a girl and you liked it," Tom said, rolling his eyes. " _ **I enjoyed it, yes, but no more than when I kiss a boy,**_ " Elsie replied.

"You've kissed a boy? Who was it?" Tom asked, becoming slightly protective of his sister. " _ **I believe his name was... Steve? There are a lot of guys named Steve in this place, especially at New Fielding and New Lawndale,**_ " Elsie replied thoughtfully.

"Um... sure," Tom replied, having met at least eight different Steves in just the first month of living in Sealab. "So, anyway-" " _ **Although, I am certain that your three-ways with Daria and Jane have most certainly ensured dual immunity for both of them,**_ " Elsie interrupted, just as they got within earshot of Jodie and Mack.

Both of them turned around to stare at Tom and Elsie. Mack gave him a thumbs-up, while Jodie just stared at him. "Um... hi, Mack. Hi, Miss Landon. Nice... um, hair?" Tom said nervously. "No, I will not get my father to give you a free folding coffee mug," Jodie said almost reflexively. "Huh? I, um, didn't say anything about coffee mugs," Tom replied.

"Oh. Force of habit," Jodie replied sheepishly. "So, um, you were saying-" " _In the name of Alvis!_ " they heard being shouted from the corridor ahead of them. "What the?" Jodie asked as she turned around and saw Stormy heading their way. He had a crazed look in his eye, and he had a large pipe in one hand and a bottle of bourbon in the other. He waved the pipe around crazily and violently.

"Is that Stormy?" Mack asked. "Smiting to the non-believers!" Stormy shouted before he stopped just a foot shy of the group. "Young Mack, does thou profess the love of whiskey and scotch!?" Stormy asked him with a smile. "Um... what?" Mack asked him, very confused. "Do you follow the ways of Alvis?" Stormy asked him.

"Who?" Mack asked. "Blasphemer!" Stormy shouted as he swung the pipe at Mack's stomach, causing the young man to double over in pain. "Mack! What the hell, you asshole!?" Jodie exclaimed. Stormy raised his pipe in the air with both hands and hollered at the top of his lungs in a manner not un-similar to that of Tarzan, before switching to a shout that was very reminiscent of Tatooine's Tusken Raiders, albeit with an inebriated tone.

"Who else dares to disgrace the sacred fountain of bullets and booze that is the life and way of Alvis!?" Stormy asked almost incoherently. " _ **Brother, help Jodie cover the ears of the one named McKenzie. I shall dispose of this threat,**_ " Elsie said in an authoritative tone. "Jodie, cover your ears, quickly!" Tom said as he pulled a package of earplugs out of his pocket.

"Put these in your ears, and put some in Mack's!" Tom said as he watched Elsie slowly detach her voice modulator in a manner similar to a Yautja [Predator] unmasking itself when facing a worthy foe [Austrian muscle-builders]. "Elsie is going to unleash her voice! You must wear these or else you'll go insane from hearing it!" Tom said frantically as Elsie removed the final part of her modulator.

Jodie had just managed to fit both earplugs into Mack's ears when Elsie spoke. " **Foolish mortal, relinquish your weapon and heed my words. Your beliefs a flawed an lack logic and reason! Throw away your foolish goal and accept... uh, Humanism, I guess? Maybe Pastafarianism? At least choose something considerably less stupid than Alvis,** " Elsie said with her arms spread in a wide and dramatic gesture.

"I don't understand anything you just said, but it sure made me angry!" Stormy exclaimed with a cross-eyed look on his face. " **No! He's too stupid for my voice to work on him!** " Elsie exclaimed in realization. "Now, face the mighty smiting wrath of... face the wrath of... face... face the... I... oh... I don't... I... eeeaaaaaarrrrghhhh!" Stormy cried as blood began to seep from his nose, mouth, ears, and eyes. His eyes then rolled back into his head and he collapsed to the floor, screaming, " _Whhyyyyyyyyyy!?_ " He was then silent.

Meanwhile, Janet Barch was lying on the floor in a fetal position, with only one earplug in an ear, while Timothy O'Neill had suffered the same effect as Stormy, only his screams had been silent. Janet made a gurgling sound as she clawed at the floor.

"Uh-oh," Jodie said as she pointed at the quivering and shuddering bodies of Janet Barch and Timothy O'Neill on the floor. "Oh shit!" Tom exclaimed. It was then that he noticed that Jodie had not used any earplugs. She also had not been affected by Elsie's voice. Tom knew that there were some individuals with a natural immunity to Elsie's voice, such as Daria and her aunt, but Tom had never seen Jodie interact with his sister before now.

"Jodie... how are you immune to my sister's voice?" Tom asked her. Jodie gulped. "Um... well, you see, a few weeks ago, she and I bumped into each other in the hallway and... um... she _drugged me!_ She drugged me, and that machine was _awesome!_ " Jodie exclaimed with a red face of embarrassment.

"M-Machine?" Tom asked her. " _ **Yes,**_ " Elsie said as she finished reattaching her voice modulator. " _ **I shared with her the joys of my sy-**_ " "What happened out here!?" shouted David Van Driessen as he entered the corridor. "Um... Stormy got into a fight with Miss Barch, and Mack and O'Neil tried to break it up, but Stormy beat them both, and he and Barch had really violent fight!" Jodie lied on the spot.

"Jodie..." Van Driessen said, "Miss Barch doesn't look very bruised or injured. I'm not as oblivious to the obvious as some individuals, and while I may humor my students at times in order to make things easier for them, I certainly do not think that this is an appropriate time to do so. Now, please, tell me the truth," David requested.

" _ **I used my voice to quell the violent rage of Lieutenant Derek Waters, for he was being a religious extremist, not to mention a drunken asshole,**_ " Elsie explained calmly. "Oh, Elsie...you know that you aren't supposed to use your real voice in a public area like this. Was Stormy really violent enough to warrant it?" David asked her. " _ **Look at Mr. McKenzie,**_ " Elsie said as she pointed at the young man still lying down.

"My stomach hurts," Mack groaned out while Jodie rubbed his back gently.

* * *

 

"That's not a Colt .45!" Murphy exclaimed. "I'm... not exactly familiar with the more intimate details of different guns," Jane said. "Okay, just... draw the shamans on their buffalo as they traveled to Fort Klugman," Murphy said. "Their... buffalo?" Jane asked. "Yes. It was their heathen custom to travel on buffalo while carrying whiskey and firearms! Don't you kids learn _anything_ in school?" Murphy retorted.

"Captain MURPHY!" Commander DeMartino said as he entered the bridge. "When you said that you were throwing together a LITTLE celebration, I sort of ASSUMED that it was going to be, oh, what's the word? LITTLE!" DeMartino exclaimed. "Oh, relax. I've got Stormy outside smiting all of the non-Alvians, so we don't have to worry about anyone making fun of the size of the decorations," Murphy replied.

One of DeMartino's eyes almost popped out of his head. "WHAT did you JUST SAY!?" he demanded. "You think I should have done it myself? I guess Stormy _is_ rather inept at this kind of thing," Murphy replied thoughtfully. "What the HELL is WRONG with YOU!?" DeMartino screamed at him. "Look, cheese logs!" Murphy said, pointing at the buffet table.

"That won't work on me _THIS TIME!_ " DeMartino replied. "I've TRAINED myself to RECOGNIZE the DELICIOUS AROMA of the LIFE-GIVING snack known as the CHEESE LOG! I do _NOT_ smell that ANYWHERE in HERE!" DeMartino explained. _This time? So, Captain Murphy has tried to use Commander DeMartino's weakness against him before,_ Daria thought as she listened to DeMartino yelling at Murphy.

"Now, I know for a fact that sending out subordinates to perform religious bigotry is clearly a violation of the Sealab charter, not to mention an abuse of power," DeMartino said. "What's your point?" Murphy asked him. "Don't bother trying to reason with him, Commander," Quinn said as he walked over.

Over at Sparks' console, Dr. Virjay's face showed up. " _Um, I am running out of room in my infirmary for all of the people who have been sickened by the bad food. Is Captain Murphy trying to throw another Alvis time celebration?_ " Virjay asked. "Yes, unfortunately," Sparks replied. " _I only hope that I have a spare bed for him when_ _ **he**_ _arrives, as he inevitably will,_ " Virjay said before hanging up.

A few minutes later, Tom and Elsie Sloane entered the bridge. "Tom!" Jane called out with a smile. "I was beginning to think that you wouldn't make it," she said as she walked over to him. " _ **Where is the beautiful one? I mean, where is Daria?**_ " Elsie asked with a blush. Jane raised an eyebrow.

"Daria's... over at her work station," Jane said. Elsie quickly walked over to Daria's station and began conversing with her. Jane looked at Tom. "So, what happened to you on the way here?" Jane asked Tom. "We were accosted by... Stormy. Elsie used her voice to neutralize him," Tom explained.

"Hmm, was anyone else within earshot of her?" Jane asked. "Only Jodie Landon, Mack McKenzie, Miss Barch and Mister O'Neil," Tom replied. "Oh no. Jodie and Mack...are they okay?" Jane asked. "Actually, they're fine. Jodie managed to get a pair of earplugs into Mack's ears before Elsie could speak, and apparently Elsie has spent some... "quality time" with Jodie at some point," Tom said, making quotes in the air with his fingers.

"Elsie... with Jodie Landon? When? How?" Jane asked. "I have no idea, but apparently it involved some kind of... _machine_ that... makes women feel good," Tom replied, not entirely comfortable thinking about his sister's sex life. "Oh, wow," Jane said with wide eyes. "That's... um, uh, I don't know what to say," she added.

Just then, there was a creaking noise. "Hey, do you hear that?" Tom asked. "Hear what?" Jane asked him. "That," Tom said as the creaking noise got louder, along with a buckling sound as something snapped. A light fell to the floor and broke. "The set pieces! They're unstable and the electric equipment is going haywire!" Amy cried out after unsuccessfully trying to unplug everything. She gave up and proceeded to gather everyone away form the bridge.

"No! The feast of Alvis must go on!" Murphy declared. Everyone left the bridge as one of the props of a buffalo caught on fire, and several metal rods came falling down around the place. The eggnog on the main table was untouched, but the buffet had been ruined even further.

"Wait," Daria said as she turned around to see Captain Murphy sobbing. "Captain Murphy, we need to get out of here! This place is dangerous!" she called out to him. Murphy didn't seem to hear her. "Captain, please! You can't stay in here! Captain!" Daria called out as a light exploded and a bar fell down to the floor.

"Come on, Captain!" Commander DeMartino called out. "No, just leave me! Let me be!" Murphy cried out after he got hit in the head with a falling light. "Oh, why did this happen again!?" he cried as he soon found himself alone on the bridge.

As he looked on with despair at the ruined celebration of his feast, he heard a sound and looked to see a shimmering figure appear in the air before him. Dressed up in pioneer-era military clothing with two holstered revolvers at his side was a man with short black hair and a mustache, along with a light glowing from behind him and a halo around his head. "Al-Alvis?" Murphy asked reverently. The apparition smirked and nodded his head.

"Alvis! Alvis, I always believed in you! But, the celebration! The feast in your honor! It was all ruined by the heathens!" Murphy exclaimed. Alvis shook his head. "Naw. My faithful follower, you are forgetting the true meaning of Alvis time!" Murphy raised his head and his eyes widened.

"The... the true meaning?" Murphy asked him. "Neither is it ham nor pomp. Nay, the true meaning of Alvis time is _drinking!_ Drinking... and revenge," Alvis said with a southern accent that carried sweetly through the air to Murphy's ears. "Well, uh, I have some eggnog, but I don't think it's enough to get really loaded," Murphy said.

"Crap screamer!?" Alvis asked. "More of a _liquor,_ " Murphy explained. "Behold," Alvis said as he waved an arm. The eggnog magically transformed into a dozen bottles of whiskey before Murphy's eyes. "It's a _miracle!_ Truly, an Alvis time miracle!" Murphy declared happily.

"Now drink with me deeply of the bourbon, scotch and rye until such time as we are fighting drunk! Then we will find and beat the asses of the non-believers who ruined my feast!" Alvis said. "Especially whoever crapped the buffet!" Murphy added. "No, no sir, that was me," Alvis admitted. "Alvis bless us, everyone!" Murphy said sincerely. "Damn straight he does," Alvis said.

And then Murphy's world went black.

* * *

 

"Oh good, you're awake," Dr. Virjay said. Murphy slowly rose up from the bed inside the infirmary. "W-Wha? What happened?" he asked. "You had a concussion. Luckily for you, Lieutenant Morgendorffer and Commander DeMartino decided to haul your fat ass all the way here from the bridge," Dr. Virjay said.

"But, what about Alvis? He and I were drinking! And there was a buffalo on fire! And I heard angels singing!" Murphy said. "Hmm, yes, that is quite indicative of a hallucination caused by a concussion mixed with alcohol and a light amount of psychotropic drugs. There were mushrooms growing underneath some of the food in your buffet," Virjay said.

"Oh no!" Murphy declared as he laid back down. "My faith was unrewarded!" "As most faiths usually are," Daria said as she stepped into view. "Lieutenant Morgendorffer, why are you here?" Murphy asked. "Closure. I needed to make sure I actually was able to save someone's life, especially after some confusing nightmares I had this week about a giant spider shrimp monster running loose in Sealab," Daria said.

"Uh, a what?" Murphy asked. "I don't get it either," Daria said with a shrug. "Oh my stomach," they heard Captain Shanks moan from another bed. "Shanks?" Murphy asked. "Yup. Turns out I never even got to finish the food from your buffet. That stuff was poisoned or something!" Shanks said.

"Well, I'd better get going," Daria said as she turned to leave. "I have a special bonding session with Tom and Jane tonight, and it's going to be quite exhausting," she finished. "Um... a what?" Murphy asked her. "An orgy. I'm having a three-way orgy with Tom and Jane," Daria said as she left the room.

"Man... I must still be high from those ribs!" Shanks said as he laid back down. "No... no, I think that actually happened," Murphy said. "Oh," replied Shanks. "Well, roll credits," Shanks said.

* * *

 

Ending Theme: You're Standing On My Neck, by Splendora. You know where it's from.

* * *

Character Alter-Egos:

Captain Murphy as Captain Jean Luc Picard.

Stacey Rowe as a Viking warrior.

Daria Morgendorffer as Ellen Ripley [Nostromo uniform and flamethrower].

Jane Lane as Lara Croft.

Quinn Morgendorffer as She-Ra.

Captain Shanks as Captain Kirk [post-The Voyage Home Movie era].

Amy Barksdale and Jodene Sparks as Mr. & Mrs. Smith [Amy with pants and Jodene with dress].

Janet Barch as Pinhead [Hellraiser].

Timothy O'Neill as Shinji Ikari [any incarnation of Evangelion].

Elsie Sloane as the Metatron [from DOGMA].

Tom Sloane as Isamu Dyson [From Macross Plus]

Anthony DeMartino as John McClane [Die Hard With a Vengeance appearance].

Michael "Mack" McKenzie as Agent J.

Jodie Landon as Priss Asagiri [From Bubblegum Crisis - original OVA].

David Van Driessen as Tommy Chong [just... Tommy Chong, man].

Angela Li as Daria Morgendorffer [Didn't expect THAT ONE, did ya!?].

Derek "Stormy" Waters as a brain surgeon.

Kevin Thompson as Kenny McCormick.

Brittany Taylor as Motoko Kusanagi [Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex].

Beavis and Butthead as God and Adam from that Michelangelo painting.

Quentin Q. Quinn as Lavernius Tucker [Red vs. Blue].

Debbie Dupree as a Playboy playmate.

Tommy Sherman as Robocop [the original one].

Jamie White as a scientist at NASA.

Jeffy and Joey as Tom and Jerry.

Jake and Helen Morgendorffer and Red and Kitty Forman [That 70's Show].

Dr. Virjay as Ashley J. Williams.

Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III as Son Goku [Do I really need to explain that one?].

Tiffany Blum-Deckler as Mikasa Ackerman [Attack On Titan].

Sandi Griffin as Wendy Testaberger [South Park].

Linda Griffin as a Ghostbuster.

Hesh Hepplewhite as Betelgeuse [Say his name three times. I dare ya].

Marco Marquez as Batman [1989 Movie version].

Kay Sloane as Catwoman [Michelle Pfeiffer version].

Angier Sloane as Cornholio.

Claire Defoe as Jane Lane.

Diane Bennett as Wonder Woman.

Debbie Love as Princess Leia [The Empire Strikes Back attire].

Vincent and Amanda Lane as Korben Dallas and Leeloo [The Fifth Element].

Andrea as Lydia Deetz.

Trent Lane as Shotaro Kaneda [From AKIRA].

Jessie Moreno as Snake Plissken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is. The season finale of Season One. I hope you all had fun reading this.
> 
> See you later, space cowboys and cowgirls.


End file.
